Karma Karma Karma Chameleon
There are times in life when karma gives you a big fat return in your favor and you just have to grin. I'm currently living in one of those moments and I'm savoring it like the chocolates I get shipped to me from Germany every Christmas. Not an ounce of this little ball of happiness is going to go to waste
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2. I'm gonna fill in a few of the blanks that I had in my entry. I'm doing it here so that the actual subjects of my post don't see it.
The entry wasn't about my friends as an entire group. It was about exboyfriends that I still have feelings for, but can't seem to shake. And guys that I never had anything with, but can't seem to get over. I care about them dearly, and value their friendship. But lately, being around them just reminds me of why they didn't think it would work out between us. I keep remembering all of the reasons that my love wasn't enough, why I wasn't attractive enough, or not well-read enough. They drone on about the guys they date and I try to be a good friend, and it was going well. But in the past few weeks everything resurfaced and I find it harder to maintain.
Keegan hugged me the other day and I wanted to die. He's one of my best friends, and he's also one of my worst traitors. Reconciling those two halves isn't going to happen. So I've got to deal with the fact that I care deeply about someone who doesn't want me as more than a friend, and isn't even a good friend to me on top of that. I was so desperately to remove him from my life, but I can't.
Josue is damn near perfect for me, but I'm nothing that he wants out of a partner and being around him just stings. I love having him here, and he's leaving soon for study abroad. I don't know when he's coming back, or how things will be when he does so it's killing me ot know that someone who's become a dear friend to me might simply disappear after next week. I'm not ready to say goodby to him.
All of this was stuff I thought I'd dealt with, but somehow it's crept back in on me. I can't talk to THEM about it, I can't talk to my roommate because I know she won't be of any help, and I feel stupid mooning to my friends about a relationship that ended almost a year ago, and one that never happened. I feel like my emotions aren't even valid- and regardless of that, I don't have any practical ways to deal with this. I simply have to sit it out.
It's very clear that my friendship with Keegan should be over, but I can't let go. And my friendship with Josue, which was off to a great start, might be ending too since he's about to leave for 8 months. Two people I really liked having as parts of my life, who I could talk to about all manner of things, are effectively gone- and it feels like the end of the world.
That's what the entry is really about.
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