What I was made for
God made me this way for a reason. There's nothing I can really do about that, but I guess it's hard for me to see the reasons why. I don't know if I can come terms with it quite yet, but the only real thing keeping me going is knowing that God has a plan for all my foolishness. What that plan is...I do not know, but one day I will. What I do know is that I hate the way I currently am. A decade a ago I would have dreamed to be the way I am now in some respects, but what a foolish dream. More proof that it's really only God that knows what is best for us.
Tonight I tried to figure out why God has made me the way I am in my current state. Just as I hated the way I was in junior high and high school, and I find myself still hating myself despite the changes and (arguably) improvements in my life. I am now talented in ways I which I had once longed for, but now loathe. Life should not be this complicated, but our sinful nature has made it so. How does our sinful nature play into this? Well for one thing we end up wanting things that God does not want us to want. Our sinful natures also cause breakdowns in communication with other people because our pride prevents us from making stronger efforts towards understanding. Why would we expect others to understand our words and actions a certain way? It doesn't make any sense considering how differently our minds process events and situations. One might wonder why any of this matters. Well, the issue is that you can't ever really be yourself if you want your life to be drama free. So what's the solution to this if you can't be yourself without pissing someone off? That's what I'm trying to figure out now. Part of why I dislike myself is because of how it makes some people feel, but it wouldn't make sense to just hide who I really am either. God made me this way, and while He is still molding me due to my inherent imperfection, He can't really mold me without continued discipline. If I just do nothing there won't be much to discipline me for I suppose, but where does that leave me now? Guess I have to keep doing what I do, make mistakes, learn from mistakes and hope that I'm moving in the right direction. It almost feels like I'm doomed to a life of dissatisfaction with myself, but maybe that's what God is talking about in:
“He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this
world shall keep it unto life eternal" (John 12:25).
Heh guess the question that comes from that is if I really want to keep this life for eternity.
Tonight I tried to figure out why God has made me the way I am in my current state. Just as I hated the way I was in junior high and high school, and I find myself still hating myself despite the changes and (arguably) improvements in my life. I am now talented in ways I which I had once longed for, but now loathe. Life should not be this complicated, but our sinful nature has made it so. How does our sinful nature play into this? Well for one thing we end up wanting things that God does not want us to want. Our sinful natures also cause breakdowns in communication with other people because our pride prevents us from making stronger efforts towards understanding. Why would we expect others to understand our words and actions a certain way? It doesn't make any sense considering how differently our minds process events and situations. One might wonder why any of this matters. Well, the issue is that you can't ever really be yourself if you want your life to be drama free. So what's the solution to this if you can't be yourself without pissing someone off? That's what I'm trying to figure out now. Part of why I dislike myself is because of how it makes some people feel, but it wouldn't make sense to just hide who I really am either. God made me this way, and while He is still molding me due to my inherent imperfection, He can't really mold me without continued discipline. If I just do nothing there won't be much to discipline me for I suppose, but where does that leave me now? Guess I have to keep doing what I do, make mistakes, learn from mistakes and hope that I'm moving in the right direction. It almost feels like I'm doomed to a life of dissatisfaction with myself, but maybe that's what God is talking about in:
“He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this
world shall keep it unto life eternal" (John 12:25).
Heh guess the question that comes from that is if I really want to keep this life for eternity.