Undercurrents [S/A]
Title: Undercurrents
Author: Allie/ stfu_pwentzz
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
POV: Third
Wordcount: ~3,000
Summary: Months ahead of the break up Ryan had lists of lyrics for it. Brendon could come up with a scenario and Ryan already had a song written about it.
Disclaimer: I don’t own the boys. The lyrics belong to Panic at the Disco.
Author Notes: This entire fic is based on the line ”Diamonds do appear to be just like broken glass to me” in Northern Downpour
No one gave Ryan enough credit. Not even Brendon. Looking in Ryan’s notebook, Brendon had noticed something.
Months ahead of the break up Ryan had lists of lyrics for it. Brendon could come up with a scenario and Ryan already had a song written about it. Any situation, either of them initiating it, but the break up song was there. He had a song for pretty much everything, like if Keltie ever hated the rockstar life.
Brendon could tell that they spanned from three months into the relationship up to recently. Keltie got over Ryan’s drug use months ago so that song couldn’t be from that long ago. And they just fought about Ryan’s forgetfulness just the other day.
Ryan had written songs based on roughly fifty scenarios and Brendon thought when they broke up Ryan would be prepared.
Ryan wasn’t prepared lyrics-wise.
Brendon just wasn’t prepared.
Brendon blinked at him. “You cheated on her and she found out.”
It didn’t make any sense, Ryan wasn’t one to cheat and get caught. Ryan was methodical, he planned every single step of his day. He should have thought through this enough not to get caught.
The cheating Brendon had some trouble wrapping around his head but mostly because Ryan always gave Brendon a look when he did it. A look that said how disappointed in Brendon he was. Brendon was better than that. But he could understand the need to feel loved and special. In Ryan’s case he wouldn’t be surprised if Ryan did it just to get out of the relationship.
The relationship that Ryan knew was going to end, even though he proposed to her.
Ryan shrugged. “Yeah, she found a message on my phone.” He didn’t seem to think it was a big deal, even though it really was.
Everything that Ryan did was a big deal but all he did was shrug. Brendon narrowed his eyes. “And you don’t care that it’s over?”
Ryan shrugged, that was all he could do recently. “It was going to end eventually. I knew that after I proposed.”
Brendon clenched his teeth together but he didn’t say a word. Ryan’s body language said more than enough. Ryan destroyed that relationship before it even really started. They fought so much because Ryan didn’t care enough to say that she was right. It was the unhealthiest relationship and they stayed together for almost three years.
And now it seemed as if Ryan didn’t even care. Didn’t care that the woman that he told Brendon endlessly that he loved, he loved her and that’s why he wrote off their relationship because he deserved so much better, was gone forever.
His need to fulfill his own prophecy was greater than his capacity to love someone and be loved in return. God knows that Keltie loved Ryan more than he deserved. Everyone loved Ryan more than he deserved in Ryan’s eyes.
“You don’t have a song,” Brendon rushed out not even thinking. He wasn’t even sure what that meant, but he was sure that it meant something.
Ryan looked at him straight in the eye and smiled. He smiled at the fact that he was lyrics-less for the situation that really happened. He had lyrics about what would happen if the plague hit and she left him. But he didn’t have lyrics about him cheating on her and finding out.
“Yeah.” Was all Ryan said. And that didn’t make any sense. This Ryan who had taken over his best friends’ body, Brendon did not like. He knew that his Ryan would write off the relationship but would never, ever, be so un-Ryan about it. Leave it out in the open. Give the girl his phone number to his sidekick, one of Ryan’s closest friends would have to pass a written test on the most obscure literature to even get the first three digits for his number and he was giving it out to random girls.
That was not his Ryan. That was someone that Brendon didn’t want to know. But when Ryan smiled at him, all cryptic, there was still an ounce of him left. Brendon didn’t know how much, but he knew that he was there.
Somehow, even though they were over for good, it felt as if Keltie still won.
---
The words were playing over and over in his head. They always belonged to one person. Keltie Colleen. Brendon generally liked Keltie, he knew that her and Ryan were never going to last, but he still liked her. She just had this thing about her.
She wanted so desperately to change Ryan. No matter what he did, it wasn’t good enough for her. Ryan changed his entire outlook on life and Brendon didn’t say anything. He grew wiser and started doing things for him and she disapproved.
Oh lord how she disapproved of the drugs that Ryan took. She would huff every time that he would take another puff. She didn’t like a lot of things about Ryan and she would try to change them. But Ryan would never change, that was one thing that Brendon loved about Ryan.
He wouldn’t change for anyone. Including Brendon. It was a bittersweet feeling. It felt nice to know that he wouldn’t change for him or Keltie. But Brendon didn’t want Ryan to change, he knew who Ryan was and loved him for it.
Ryan was an attention crazy pot head who secretly loved paying his bills late. He enjoyed when his landlord would turn everything off and he could just sit in the dark. Keltie loathed when he forgot to pay his bills. When she came the power was always off. It stayed off up until she glared at him and said “Pay your damn bills.”
He would listen to her but he always paid them late. She couldn’t change who he was. Ryan was a flake. Then Brendon was taken out of his thoughts by the vibrating of his phone. He looked down and it was a text message from Ryan.
The answer’s in Northern Downpour.
That was the weirdest text message he’s ever received from Ryan in the middle of the night. It shouldn’t be, but it just was. Ryan was hanging out with Pete and Ashlee, most likely getting drunk. He shouldn’t be sending out text messages that he couldn’t tell Brendon when he was straight.
Brendon sighed but he still dug his iPod out so he could check out this hidden meaning. Brendon was pretty sure that he was the only one who had their own songs on his iPod. It was the same thing as a doctor hanging all of his achievements in the hallway. To show anyone who cared to look see what I’ve accomplished?
The song turned on and Brendon put it on repeat, he waited for the lyrics to pop out to him. He knew exactly what kind of answers he needed. But he didn’t even know what to look for in the song.
As soon as the words in the first verse hit him he knew exactly what words he was looking for. Ryan was always good at foreshadowing his own downfalls. He rewound the song a little and just listened to himself sing the answer to him.
Fantastic posing greed then we should feed our jewelry to the sea. For diamonds do appear to be just like broken glass to me.
That was Ryan’s own way of saying diamonds were his own downfall, they cut into him like glass.
Ryan proposing was his own worst fear. He knew that he could never truly write someone off if they got married. So when he proposed to Keltie, he did everything in his power to destroy whatever they had.
He always had to destroy whatever good happened in his life. Brendon was on the receiving end on that self-destructing streak one too many times.
We need to talk. Pronto.
Brendon told Ryan long ago that it would end badly and it had. Brendon had his own self-destructive stream running for him. Most of the time it was caused by Ryan, but this time he needed to stop both of their streaks.
He sent the message right before he turned off his iPod but not before he had a game plan. He was going to talk to Ryan and Ryan was not going to be cryptic and for once Brendon was going to be in control.
---
Ryan didn’t want to be there. He really didn’t care about Brendon’s views on his life. “You knew exactly what was going to happy. The fulfilling prophecy, Ross,” Brendon told him. Ryan looked away and tried his best to seem like he didn’t know what Brendon was talking about. “You knew as soon as you popped the question you were going to do whatever you could to destroy it.”
Ryan was taken back. He didn’t cheat on Keltie on purpose. He couldn’t do that to her. It was an accident. He didn’t decide one day to cheat and get caught. He loved her. Brendon looked at him blankly. “You knew exactly what you were doing Ryan. You knew you had to mess up so bad that she wouldn’t want you back. She wouldn’t want to get married to you and you could rot by yourself. Diamonds do appear to be just like broken glass to me? You knew exactly what that line meant”
That was the moment that Ryan hated drunk texting. It did no good to anyone.
Ryan was surprised at Brendon’s calmness about the entire situation. Brendon, his best friend, should be the one to make him feel better about the situation. Not analyze every single fucking thing that Ryan’s ever said about Keltie in one of their songs. There was no foreshadowing in his own life.
Even if his subconscious thought so. It was a line in a song.
Ryan glared down at Brendon. “Fuck you,” he turned on his heel and Brendon grabbed his wrist, holding him back.
Brendon looked down at him. “You knew that you would do harm to yourself if you and Kelts ever got married. You popped the question fully knowing that fact. You want to be your own one and lonely. You want to be left alone for the rest of your life and I’ve accepted that. I’ve accepted you when you don’t even accept yourself.”
Ryan tried to pull his arm out of Brendon’s grip. Brendon wouldn’t let him. He didn’t want to stay with Brendon any longer. “It’s my turn to talk. I let you tell me every time what’s happening. I let you tell me you were dating Keltie. I let you tell me that we were going for a different feel. I let you tell me that we’re not enough for you. I’ve listened to all the hidden meanings. I’ve listened for too long, Ryan. It’s your turn”
Ryan was honestly afraid of Brendon at that moment. Maybe it was the fact that the love that was always in his eyes was mysteriously disappeared. Maybe it was Ryan’s vulnerability. Ryan didn’t know, but he didn’t like this Brendon.
“She wanted to change you Ryan. If you honestly loved her you would have let her. She didn’t like who you had become but she lived with it. She didn’t like how being famous made you. She didn’t like the drugs or alcohol but she lived with it. She seen you, who she thought you were. I knew better Ryan. I know who you are. You love the attention people give you. That’s why sometimes when we’re not on tour you’ll hang out with Pete. You want to hear people say “Holy shit, is that Ryan Ross?!” You’re a fucking stoner, and that’s who you are, Ryan. I know who you are.”
Ryan tried to ignore him, ignore all the truth that he was saying. He should have let Keltie change him, turn him into an honest man. He should have stayed faithful to her, and stayed at home with her instead of taking her out on the town. Keltie hated the drugs, so he should have stopped not sitting in Brendon’s apartment and smoked some more up.
He should have tried harder. Instead of writing break up songs that never happened he should have done something romantic for her. Instead of saying ‘I love you’ he should have meant it.
He loved her, there was no denying it. It just wasn’t the sane kind of love. He knew that he was messed up and that their relationship was messed up but he couldn’t do anything about it.
The love was suddenly back in Brendon’s eyes and he could see it. He could see it and he knew he wanted it but he couldn’t do it. “Ryan, I know who you are,” he whispered and that voice could get Ryan in a lot of trouble. It was longing and yearning and everything that he wanted and needed. “I love who you are.”
Either Ryan was imagining it or Brendon was slowly moving closer. Ryan knew exactly what Brendon wanted but he wasn’t sure that he could give it. Ryan was afraid that his mind wasn’t immediately writing this off. His mind was saying yes. Ryan’s mind never said yes, and that scared him more than it should.
Everything he’s ever known was telling him to say no, but his heart. His stupid fucking heart was trying to be heard over all of the shouts of yes. Brendon was the one who originally told him that he didn’t do relationships. It was right when he and Keltie first got together.
They were sitting on the back of the bus one day. Every minute more and more miles past beneath the wheels of the bus. Ryan and Brendon were sitting there watching a movie, but Ryan wasn’t really watching. He didn’t think Brendon was watching either. Ryan turned to look at Brendon and Brendon was looking at him. He looked like he was looking at him the entire time.
“It’s gonna end badly, Ryan.”
Ryan didn’t look away. But he did smile at Brendon. “Nah, it has Sandra Bullock in it. It’ll have a happy ending.”
Brendon didn’t even smile at his joke. He just shook his head sadly. Brendon looked away for a moment before looking back at Ryan, straight in the eyes. “No with this girl. It’s gonna end badly.”
Ryan’s eyes narrowed a little at his words. He had this weird buzz underneath his skin, and he just wanted to tear it all off. “Thanks for the support, Bren.” He muttered coldly. It was nice that one of his best friends didn’t think that he could be in a relationship.
He shook his head a little, but this time he cracked a small, sad smile. He placed his hand on Ryan’s shoulder and the buzzing left. “You know I’ll always have your back, I’m just stating facts. You don’t do relationships.”
Ryan could shrug his shoulder out of Brendon’s grasp and say something along the lines of “Yeah, you’re the best person to talk about relationships.” He could tell him to get over himself. But he didn’t because he couldn’t deny something that was true. He wasn’t good with relationships. But he didn’t say it was going to end badly before it even really began. He wasn’t that much of a pessimist.
He waited a few months before he did.
Ryan knew he had some problems, problems that run deep, but he didn’t write everything off as soon as it happened. Brendon did that. Ryan truly envied Brendon for his outlook on life. Act all happy, have a good time and write off anything good that may happen to you.
He doesn’t get hurt, but he doesn’t get what he truly wants.
“The point is she doesn’t want to be dating an A-list star with an ego. She doesn’t want to date the entire music industry. She wants to date a normal guy, and I don’t think you can be that. You can’t be the guy to sit down and settle down. If you ever get married, or get engaged you’ll do anything you can to destroy it.”
Ryan felt his skin crawl again and he just wanted to get out of here. Brendon knew him better than anyone. But his bunk was too cramped and he doesn’t think that he can leave Brendon’s side. Brendon nudges his shoulder affectionately to let Ryan know that he everything was okay.
Ryan sighed and laid his head down on Brendon’s shoulder and just wanted to sleep. And when he hears Brendon say “I’ll take you as you are,” right before Ryan falls asleep, he pretends he already was.
Ryan knew exactly what Brendon was asking. The under current of please, Ry was still there. The buzzing was underneath his skin. His mind had officially shut down. He was torn. He was used to saying no to Brendon but he’s never wanted to say yes so bad.
He looked in Brendon’s eyes and was afraid of what laid there. He could see how the scene would play out.
Ryan would say he needed time to think and Brendon would sigh and he would give Ryan time. But that would be the last time. He could see it. Brendon wouldn’t wait forever for Ryan. He would move on, he would act like friends with Ryan and Ryan didn’t know if he could act like that to Brendon.
He loved Brendon. He loved him to say no every single time. But maybe it was time to stop writing everything off, and the same for Brendon.
“I don’t have lyrics,” he blurted out. Brendon blinked and the hearts in his eyes hit the back burner to the confusion clouding his vision. Ryan could see the question in his eyes. “I don’t have lyrics for this. I.” He looked away nervously. “I’ve written at least seven songs and I don’t have a single one for this moment.”
Brendon blinked at him and took a step away from him. Ryan didn’t like this. He felt anxious and the buzzing only got louder. Brendon was saying no. Brendon was going to say no because Ryan was going to say yes.
This was a horrible idea.
“You don’t write love songs. Not like that.” Brendon stated. “And you never say yes.”
Ryan smiled. “I’ve never had to. I’ve never had a reason to do either.”
Brendon looked at Ryan and Ryan tried to gage whatever was going through his mind right at that moment. He couldn’t tell what his answer was. He was hoping, and that was new to him. Ryan, hoping.
Then Brendon blinked and all of the confusion and hesitation disappeared and his grin was all over his face. It was the face of someone who accepted Ryan for all of his flaws. All of them, and loved him for it. This was the first time that Ryan would say yes and this was the first time that Ryan wasn’t afraid of who he was.
“I’m saying yes as long as you don’t write us off.” Ryan wasn’t quite sure if that was directed at himself or Brendon but he knew they both got the message. He knew better than to write this off. He’s been writing Brendon off as far as he could remember.
Brendon smiled and took a few steps closer and wrapped his arms around Ryan. Ryan smiled into the embrace as he heard Brendon say “I could never write you off.”
Ryan held on tighter, and he made a mental note to never destroy this. Brendon obviously heard the message in the silence. “I won’t let you destroy us.” And that was the best thing that he could have said.