The Black Notebook V: Freudian Slip
Title: The Black Notebook V: Freudian Slip
Author: CeeKay Sheppard
Rating: T
Summary: I know I said I wouldn't do it, but here's the sequel to "Abandonment Issues." This grew out of a discussion sanssong and I were having in the comments to "AI" about John's so-called "kirking."
John Sheppard collapsed onto his bed with a deep sigh. He hadn't felt this miserably depressed since he'd been freed of the alien consciousness Thalan, only to find that he had earn back the trust of his team from the bottom up.
Come to think of it, he'd known that was coming. This… this was worse.
The black notebook on the night table caught his eye. He only wrote his most disturbing experiences in that journal, and he spent a moment waffling about whether or not this fit the bill.
Aw, hell, he finally thought, who's gonna see it, anyway? He grabbed the notebook and opened it to a clean page.
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Okay, I'm going to sound like I'm back in high school, moaning about girls. But this isn't about Kyri; it's about me, in the end, and what I've discovered about myself.
I'm getting really sick of these personal revelations.
Anyway, I had a… difficult confrontation with Teyla yesterday. God, I'm such an idiot… I accused her of using me to get sex, and I hit her. I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking that entire morning, apparently; otherwise I wouldn't have brought it up while we were sparring… It was really, really stupid. She let her guard down, I hit her, and she fell. And I… I'm ashamed to admit it, but after I stuttered some lame apology, I ran out on her. I should have stayed, should have walked her to the infirmary to make sure she wasn't hurt worse than a bruised chin and a split lip, should have let her explain herself…
But I didn't. I still feel like an ass.
Especially after what happened today.
My team Gated out to M5X-987 at 1400 hours this afternoon, and I still couldn't look Teyla in the eye. I was still embarrassed and angry. The thunderstorm raging outside matched my mood, but I tried to put on a good face for the team.
Gotta hand it to McKay, though - he's perceptive. The Stargate on 987 was about a mile from the nearest village, and he pestered me the entire way with "Are you okay? …Are you sure you're okay?"
I ignored him until I couldn't take it anymore. Finally, though, I turned around and snapped, "I'm fine."
McKay looked taken aback. "Well, I guess that answers my question," I heard him mutter. Somehow, I didn't think he believed me.
Teyla was unusually subdued that day - gee, I wonder why? - and stayed toward the back of the group near Ronon. I didn't know whether to be jealous, bitterly triumphant, or indifferent. I ended up ignoring them completely as we reached the village and were greeted by a middle-aged, round-faced man with a receding hairline and a friendly smile.
"Welcome, strangers!" he called out to us. "I am Dimitrios Thanatos, high priest of Eros."
I greeted him and introduced myself and my team. "Forgive me if this is a stupid question…" I began.
Dimitrios smiled beatifically. I knew then and there that this guy was going be grating on my nerves in a hurry. "There are no stupid questions, my friends, but those left unasked."
I smiled back as patiently as I could. "Is Eros the name of your God or your village?"
Dimitrios seemed momentarily shocked. "You have indeed come a long way… my, my… Eros is Lord and Father of us all." I briefly flashed back to my freshman psych class in college - in Freudian psychology, eros was the instinct for life; thanatos, the instinct for death, destruction. So here was a guy named Death who worshipped life. Weird. "Our humble village is called Teleopolis," Dimitrios continued. "You must be tired after your long journey. Come inside, and share a meal with me." He waved us toward the mud-brick house behind him.
Dimitrios summoned someone as we entered. "Kyri! Come, Kyri, we have guests!"
The dwelling was cozy enough, though it reminded me a bit too much of the village on M3X-666 to be entirely comfortable - but that's a really long story. A fire blazed merrily in what I took to be the kitchen, and the rooms were closed off by curtains. One of them was yanked aside from behind, and a woman - presumably Kyri - emerged.
She was gorgeous. Her thick hair was dark brown and curly, falling to her narrow shoulders. Her oval face was fair, making her full red lips and deep brown eyes stand out all the more. She was small and slender, delicate, but not fragile-looking. She wore a simple green dress, subtly patterned with a design like falling leaves. I had to remind myself to breathe, and momentarily forgot anyone else was there.
She looked at Dimitrios and did not speak. Taking a guess that he was in charge here, I asked him, "I take it this lovely lady is your wife?"
McKay rolled his eyes, but Dimitrios looked shocked and Kyri gasped, scandalized. "Priests do not marry," he said, perhaps a little harshly. "Kyrieleison is my sister."
Oops… I could feel my cheeks get warm, and saw McKay stifling a laugh. I hid my discomfiture behind the most charming smile I could muster and said to Kyrieleison, "It's a pleasure to meet you. And I have to say, you have the most beautiful name."
"Thank you," she replied, and it was her turn to blush. She had a husky alto voice, warm and musical, and at the moment I wanted nothing more than to hear it again.
But, for the moment, that was not to be, as Dimitrios sent her to the kitchen to cook dinner. He gestured to a rectangular table, and the five of us sat around it and began to negotiate a trade agreement. He was surprised that we allowed women to participate in such "proceedings" - evidently, the society of Teleopolis was strictly patriarchal - but adjusted quickly to not only Teyla's presence, but also her leading role.
I'm ashamed to say it, but I'd almost forgotten Teyla was even there, so preoccupied was I with Kyrieleison. I found myself watching her as she prepared the meal. Her movements were so graceful, she almost seemed to dance around the small kitchen, humming as she worked. I had to wonder how she could sing when she was held down by her own people, and it made me a little sad to realize that she had never known anything else.
Just as she began to bring the dishes to the table, Teyla and Dimitrios reached an agreement they both found acceptable, and he declared an end to negotiations. "Let us now feast in celebration of our newfound friendship!"
It was turning out to be the smoothest first contact we'd ever made.
That alone should have made me suspicious.
But, no, I spent all of dinner flirting with Kyrieleison, who turned out not to be so much repressed as shy. But the more I talked to her, the more she opened up, end even flirted back a bit. There was something in her eyes, though… a sadness that made me want to hold her close and comfort her.
So when she invited me on a tour of the village after dinner, I deliberately put Teyla out of my mind and went with her.
It was a beautiful night. It was warm and a bit humid, but the breeze was cool. The stars shone brightly in alien constellations, and the air smelled faintly of something like apples. But none of it approached Kyrieleison's loveliness. She seemed an extension of the forest whose edge we skirted, a nymph, a goddess. We talked for a few hours about various harmless subjects, and it was she who turned the conversation to more serious things.
"Tell me, Colonel Sheppard-"
"Please, Kyrieleison," I interrupted, "call me John."
She smiled. "Very well, John. You may call me Kyri."
"Kyri. What did you want me to tell you?"
The smile fell from her face, and I could see something akin to fear in her eyes. "Have you ever - no, I have no right to ask you that." She closed her eyes, shaking her head as if to rid her mind of the question.
I probably should have let it go - but if I had, I wouldn't be writing this. If you haven't figured it out by now, I can't seem to do anything right. "What is it?" I pressed.
Kyri took a deep breath, and stared at the ground as she spoke. "Have you ever looked upon someone who was forbidden to you, and felt that she was… the only one?"
Well, that was the last thing I expected, and I was momentarily speechless. But what I said, what I did next… well, I wasn't thinking. What is it about me, that when I look at a woman, my brain turns off and I make a fool of myself?
So, anyway, I knew exactly what she meant, and I said, "I'm leaving tonight… nobody has to know." And I kissed her, long and hard and deep.
She returned the kiss for a moment, and that moment was pure bliss. Teyla was the farthest thing from my mind. It almost makes me sick to think how happy I was, for that one moment.
The Kyri pulled away and stared searchingly into my eyes. "We can't do this, John."
"Oh, no… not you, too…" The words slipped out of my mouth unbidden. Kyri was abandoning me, too…
A single tear slid slowly down her cheek. "You love someone else… I can tell."
"Oh, Kyri…" I moved to take her in my arms, but stepped back out of my reach. "She doesn't feel the same… I just…" I was fumbling for words, but Kyri drew her own conclusions.
"That makes no difference. What you sought from me was not companionship, but comfort. You're insecure." She staggered slightly, struck by a revelation. "You were using me!" Her whole body trembled as she fought to hold back tears.
I just about fell over. She was right. It was completely unconscious on my part, but she was right. Teyla wouldn't have me, so I had run to the first pair of welcoming arms I could find, to prove to myself that I still could. I mumbled my second lame apology of the day as Kyri left to return home.
Am I really that transparent? I certainly hope not… but if I am, it's no wonder Teyla doesn't want to be with me. I really have been a jerk. I can just hear McKay now: "Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here."
I can only hope I can make it up to Teyla somehow.
I have a lot to atone for.
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Sheppard stared at the pages for a moment, then neatly, carefully tore them out. He was disgusted enough with himself as it was; he didn't need to harp on the issue. He tossed the black notebook back onto the night table and turned off the light.
He fell asleep pondering ways to apologize to Teyla.
He had a lot to atone for…
Author: CeeKay Sheppard
Rating: T
Summary: I know I said I wouldn't do it, but here's the sequel to "Abandonment Issues." This grew out of a discussion sanssong and I were having in the comments to "AI" about John's so-called "kirking."
John Sheppard collapsed onto his bed with a deep sigh. He hadn't felt this miserably depressed since he'd been freed of the alien consciousness Thalan, only to find that he had earn back the trust of his team from the bottom up.
Come to think of it, he'd known that was coming. This… this was worse.
The black notebook on the night table caught his eye. He only wrote his most disturbing experiences in that journal, and he spent a moment waffling about whether or not this fit the bill.
Aw, hell, he finally thought, who's gonna see it, anyway? He grabbed the notebook and opened it to a clean page.
--------------------------------------------------
Okay, I'm going to sound like I'm back in high school, moaning about girls. But this isn't about Kyri; it's about me, in the end, and what I've discovered about myself.
I'm getting really sick of these personal revelations.
Anyway, I had a… difficult confrontation with Teyla yesterday. God, I'm such an idiot… I accused her of using me to get sex, and I hit her. I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking that entire morning, apparently; otherwise I wouldn't have brought it up while we were sparring… It was really, really stupid. She let her guard down, I hit her, and she fell. And I… I'm ashamed to admit it, but after I stuttered some lame apology, I ran out on her. I should have stayed, should have walked her to the infirmary to make sure she wasn't hurt worse than a bruised chin and a split lip, should have let her explain herself…
But I didn't. I still feel like an ass.
Especially after what happened today.
My team Gated out to M5X-987 at 1400 hours this afternoon, and I still couldn't look Teyla in the eye. I was still embarrassed and angry. The thunderstorm raging outside matched my mood, but I tried to put on a good face for the team.
Gotta hand it to McKay, though - he's perceptive. The Stargate on 987 was about a mile from the nearest village, and he pestered me the entire way with "Are you okay? …Are you sure you're okay?"
I ignored him until I couldn't take it anymore. Finally, though, I turned around and snapped, "I'm fine."
McKay looked taken aback. "Well, I guess that answers my question," I heard him mutter. Somehow, I didn't think he believed me.
Teyla was unusually subdued that day - gee, I wonder why? - and stayed toward the back of the group near Ronon. I didn't know whether to be jealous, bitterly triumphant, or indifferent. I ended up ignoring them completely as we reached the village and were greeted by a middle-aged, round-faced man with a receding hairline and a friendly smile.
"Welcome, strangers!" he called out to us. "I am Dimitrios Thanatos, high priest of Eros."
I greeted him and introduced myself and my team. "Forgive me if this is a stupid question…" I began.
Dimitrios smiled beatifically. I knew then and there that this guy was going be grating on my nerves in a hurry. "There are no stupid questions, my friends, but those left unasked."
I smiled back as patiently as I could. "Is Eros the name of your God or your village?"
Dimitrios seemed momentarily shocked. "You have indeed come a long way… my, my… Eros is Lord and Father of us all." I briefly flashed back to my freshman psych class in college - in Freudian psychology, eros was the instinct for life; thanatos, the instinct for death, destruction. So here was a guy named Death who worshipped life. Weird. "Our humble village is called Teleopolis," Dimitrios continued. "You must be tired after your long journey. Come inside, and share a meal with me." He waved us toward the mud-brick house behind him.
Dimitrios summoned someone as we entered. "Kyri! Come, Kyri, we have guests!"
The dwelling was cozy enough, though it reminded me a bit too much of the village on M3X-666 to be entirely comfortable - but that's a really long story. A fire blazed merrily in what I took to be the kitchen, and the rooms were closed off by curtains. One of them was yanked aside from behind, and a woman - presumably Kyri - emerged.
She was gorgeous. Her thick hair was dark brown and curly, falling to her narrow shoulders. Her oval face was fair, making her full red lips and deep brown eyes stand out all the more. She was small and slender, delicate, but not fragile-looking. She wore a simple green dress, subtly patterned with a design like falling leaves. I had to remind myself to breathe, and momentarily forgot anyone else was there.
She looked at Dimitrios and did not speak. Taking a guess that he was in charge here, I asked him, "I take it this lovely lady is your wife?"
McKay rolled his eyes, but Dimitrios looked shocked and Kyri gasped, scandalized. "Priests do not marry," he said, perhaps a little harshly. "Kyrieleison is my sister."
Oops… I could feel my cheeks get warm, and saw McKay stifling a laugh. I hid my discomfiture behind the most charming smile I could muster and said to Kyrieleison, "It's a pleasure to meet you. And I have to say, you have the most beautiful name."
"Thank you," she replied, and it was her turn to blush. She had a husky alto voice, warm and musical, and at the moment I wanted nothing more than to hear it again.
But, for the moment, that was not to be, as Dimitrios sent her to the kitchen to cook dinner. He gestured to a rectangular table, and the five of us sat around it and began to negotiate a trade agreement. He was surprised that we allowed women to participate in such "proceedings" - evidently, the society of Teleopolis was strictly patriarchal - but adjusted quickly to not only Teyla's presence, but also her leading role.
I'm ashamed to say it, but I'd almost forgotten Teyla was even there, so preoccupied was I with Kyrieleison. I found myself watching her as she prepared the meal. Her movements were so graceful, she almost seemed to dance around the small kitchen, humming as she worked. I had to wonder how she could sing when she was held down by her own people, and it made me a little sad to realize that she had never known anything else.
Just as she began to bring the dishes to the table, Teyla and Dimitrios reached an agreement they both found acceptable, and he declared an end to negotiations. "Let us now feast in celebration of our newfound friendship!"
It was turning out to be the smoothest first contact we'd ever made.
That alone should have made me suspicious.
But, no, I spent all of dinner flirting with Kyrieleison, who turned out not to be so much repressed as shy. But the more I talked to her, the more she opened up, end even flirted back a bit. There was something in her eyes, though… a sadness that made me want to hold her close and comfort her.
So when she invited me on a tour of the village after dinner, I deliberately put Teyla out of my mind and went with her.
It was a beautiful night. It was warm and a bit humid, but the breeze was cool. The stars shone brightly in alien constellations, and the air smelled faintly of something like apples. But none of it approached Kyrieleison's loveliness. She seemed an extension of the forest whose edge we skirted, a nymph, a goddess. We talked for a few hours about various harmless subjects, and it was she who turned the conversation to more serious things.
"Tell me, Colonel Sheppard-"
"Please, Kyrieleison," I interrupted, "call me John."
She smiled. "Very well, John. You may call me Kyri."
"Kyri. What did you want me to tell you?"
The smile fell from her face, and I could see something akin to fear in her eyes. "Have you ever - no, I have no right to ask you that." She closed her eyes, shaking her head as if to rid her mind of the question.
I probably should have let it go - but if I had, I wouldn't be writing this. If you haven't figured it out by now, I can't seem to do anything right. "What is it?" I pressed.
Kyri took a deep breath, and stared at the ground as she spoke. "Have you ever looked upon someone who was forbidden to you, and felt that she was… the only one?"
Well, that was the last thing I expected, and I was momentarily speechless. But what I said, what I did next… well, I wasn't thinking. What is it about me, that when I look at a woman, my brain turns off and I make a fool of myself?
So, anyway, I knew exactly what she meant, and I said, "I'm leaving tonight… nobody has to know." And I kissed her, long and hard and deep.
She returned the kiss for a moment, and that moment was pure bliss. Teyla was the farthest thing from my mind. It almost makes me sick to think how happy I was, for that one moment.
The Kyri pulled away and stared searchingly into my eyes. "We can't do this, John."
"Oh, no… not you, too…" The words slipped out of my mouth unbidden. Kyri was abandoning me, too…
A single tear slid slowly down her cheek. "You love someone else… I can tell."
"Oh, Kyri…" I moved to take her in my arms, but stepped back out of my reach. "She doesn't feel the same… I just…" I was fumbling for words, but Kyri drew her own conclusions.
"That makes no difference. What you sought from me was not companionship, but comfort. You're insecure." She staggered slightly, struck by a revelation. "You were using me!" Her whole body trembled as she fought to hold back tears.
I just about fell over. She was right. It was completely unconscious on my part, but she was right. Teyla wouldn't have me, so I had run to the first pair of welcoming arms I could find, to prove to myself that I still could. I mumbled my second lame apology of the day as Kyri left to return home.
Am I really that transparent? I certainly hope not… but if I am, it's no wonder Teyla doesn't want to be with me. I really have been a jerk. I can just hear McKay now: "Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here."
I can only hope I can make it up to Teyla somehow.
I have a lot to atone for.
--------------------------------------------------
Sheppard stared at the pages for a moment, then neatly, carefully tore them out. He was disgusted enough with himself as it was; he didn't need to harp on the issue. He tossed the black notebook back onto the night table and turned off the light.
He fell asleep pondering ways to apologize to Teyla.
He had a lot to atone for…