Stand-Up Comedy II
Here it comes, atcha again. More comedy I'm considering putting into the book.
"High school is the best time of your life." You've heard that, right? Ha! Bullshit. I remember I was going to see a friend in the hospital. He was there for colon, lung, AND brain cancer, so basically, he had a negative chance of survival, right? Well, when they go to operate, someone fucks up the charts. Seems, he got set up with a sex change. Of course, it's only the first of the operations, so he ends up losing his manhood and has nothing to replace it with. So, he's lying there on his death bed, in complete shock at what's happened. He's got no chance to live and no chance to get laid again. Y'know what he tells me? "Could be worse. I could still be in English IV."
Let's talk about sex. That got your attention, didn't it? Sex. It's beautiful, it's sweaty, it's primal. And, if done right, it's fucking hilarious. Seriously. Doggy style, froggy style... What am I, making love or going on safari?
So, I'm starting my own religion, working on the commandments. "Thou shalt not worship false idols." Fuck that! You could worship a twig, for all I care, 'long as you come to my shows. "Thou shalt not steal." Ain't gonna happen. How else am I supposed to get cheap video games? In my bible, drugs aren't prohibited. In fact, they're condoned. I mean, it's all here on Earth isn't it? What sick bastard God would put something on Earth and say, "See that? Yeah, it'll make you feel wonderful. You'll be happy and at peace, and if you do the right ones, you may even get to talk to me. But, guess what. You can't touch it! Ha ha!"? No, I encourage drug use. Especially weed. So, I'm working on my bible. Only one problem, though. I keep having to stop to find something to snack on.
Weed, man. It changes you. I'm not preaching here, 'cause I love the stuff, but it'll change who you are. Look at me. I flunked outta college 'cause of it. Before I discovered the wonders of weed, and this is high school, I was on the honor role. It changes you. Look at me now. Back then, I was making straight As, I was in peak physical condition, I was my parents favorite kid... I was a beautiful woman. Look at me now.
Rain storms are proof God hates the epileptic. What? I'm serious. I was down in the French Quarter the other day and WHOOSH! Flash flood. Stobe lights were going off in the sky, there were beautiful women all wet in white shirts and no bras. I thought I was in a rock video. Only thing is, there were none of those annoying blur marks. I though, "Fuck yeah!" Then I realized they were all lesbians. And I thought, "Fuck yeah!"
I'm a smoker, and funny thing about smokers are, we aren't allowed inside. What commie right-wing bastard created this rule? "No. No smoking in this restaurant. It ruins the meal for all our fat, arrogant, steak-eating customers. Go outside and smoke and kill all the people jogging and getting healthy with your second hand smoke. We fat slobs don't like it." This is there punishment. We're banned outside. Like nature's their way of punishing us. "Oh no, cute little squirrels! Don't run by us!" But I tell you what, being a smoker sucks in the winter. We're all outside in the freezing cold, smoking away, making our bodies more susceptible to the cold. And you know what we do? We look at each other, scowling, thinking, "Jesus Christ! Why aren't I warming up?!"
Ever seen a pretty girl with an ugly smile? There out there, don't act like they aren't. I was talking to this girl, beautiful girl, and we're having a good time. Well, being me, I make her laugh, and what I saw horrified me. Her lip curled up all the way to her nose, her nose lifted up, and her eyes rolled back in her head. I'm like "Jesus Christ! It's a pig-monster!" Seriously! She looked like something out of The Amityville Horror! Or, you can go the other way. You see a girl smiling at you from across the bar. Most beautiful smile you've ever seen. When you get over there, the smile drops. Her eyes are all crooked, her mouth doesn't close on one side. She's a fucking monster's what she is. I think this is God's way of telling us to compromise. You can't have a pretty girl all the time, right? That's not true. I dated both of them. When I was with the first one, I'd make her sad all the time, that way she'd stay pretty. "I love you." "I--I killed your dog today." The other, I made laugh all the time. Don't talk to me about compromise.
"High school is the best time of your life." You've heard that, right? Ha! Bullshit. I remember I was going to see a friend in the hospital. He was there for colon, lung, AND brain cancer, so basically, he had a negative chance of survival, right? Well, when they go to operate, someone fucks up the charts. Seems, he got set up with a sex change. Of course, it's only the first of the operations, so he ends up losing his manhood and has nothing to replace it with. So, he's lying there on his death bed, in complete shock at what's happened. He's got no chance to live and no chance to get laid again. Y'know what he tells me? "Could be worse. I could still be in English IV."
Let's talk about sex. That got your attention, didn't it? Sex. It's beautiful, it's sweaty, it's primal. And, if done right, it's fucking hilarious. Seriously. Doggy style, froggy style... What am I, making love or going on safari?
So, I'm starting my own religion, working on the commandments. "Thou shalt not worship false idols." Fuck that! You could worship a twig, for all I care, 'long as you come to my shows. "Thou shalt not steal." Ain't gonna happen. How else am I supposed to get cheap video games? In my bible, drugs aren't prohibited. In fact, they're condoned. I mean, it's all here on Earth isn't it? What sick bastard God would put something on Earth and say, "See that? Yeah, it'll make you feel wonderful. You'll be happy and at peace, and if you do the right ones, you may even get to talk to me. But, guess what. You can't touch it! Ha ha!"? No, I encourage drug use. Especially weed. So, I'm working on my bible. Only one problem, though. I keep having to stop to find something to snack on.
Weed, man. It changes you. I'm not preaching here, 'cause I love the stuff, but it'll change who you are. Look at me. I flunked outta college 'cause of it. Before I discovered the wonders of weed, and this is high school, I was on the honor role. It changes you. Look at me now. Back then, I was making straight As, I was in peak physical condition, I was my parents favorite kid... I was a beautiful woman. Look at me now.
Rain storms are proof God hates the epileptic. What? I'm serious. I was down in the French Quarter the other day and WHOOSH! Flash flood. Stobe lights were going off in the sky, there were beautiful women all wet in white shirts and no bras. I thought I was in a rock video. Only thing is, there were none of those annoying blur marks. I though, "Fuck yeah!" Then I realized they were all lesbians. And I thought, "Fuck yeah!"
I'm a smoker, and funny thing about smokers are, we aren't allowed inside. What commie right-wing bastard created this rule? "No. No smoking in this restaurant. It ruins the meal for all our fat, arrogant, steak-eating customers. Go outside and smoke and kill all the people jogging and getting healthy with your second hand smoke. We fat slobs don't like it." This is there punishment. We're banned outside. Like nature's their way of punishing us. "Oh no, cute little squirrels! Don't run by us!" But I tell you what, being a smoker sucks in the winter. We're all outside in the freezing cold, smoking away, making our bodies more susceptible to the cold. And you know what we do? We look at each other, scowling, thinking, "Jesus Christ! Why aren't I warming up?!"
Ever seen a pretty girl with an ugly smile? There out there, don't act like they aren't. I was talking to this girl, beautiful girl, and we're having a good time. Well, being me, I make her laugh, and what I saw horrified me. Her lip curled up all the way to her nose, her nose lifted up, and her eyes rolled back in her head. I'm like "Jesus Christ! It's a pig-monster!" Seriously! She looked like something out of The Amityville Horror! Or, you can go the other way. You see a girl smiling at you from across the bar. Most beautiful smile you've ever seen. When you get over there, the smile drops. Her eyes are all crooked, her mouth doesn't close on one side. She's a fucking monster's what she is. I think this is God's way of telling us to compromise. You can't have a pretty girl all the time, right? That's not true. I dated both of them. When I was with the first one, I'd make her sad all the time, that way she'd stay pretty. "I love you." "I--I killed your dog today." The other, I made laugh all the time. Don't talk to me about compromise.