who knew i had so much on my mind?
sigh i'm sorry i am so rediculous sometimes. i'm sorry that i won't stop arguing until i win. i'm sorry i'm stubborn and i'm sorry i'm jealous.
boy oh boy i'm just a shitty person tonight.
minus going out to chinese food and watching the OC with dana which was mucho fun.
heyyyy my parents aren't home this weekend. party woooo. except the opposite could not have been more true. the one weekend i could take advantage of staying out partying and not sleeping at home or having to worry about making up an excuse, i do the most innocent things possible. cause oh wait, i don't really have access to do wild and crazy things anymore. i can't tell if i've just brought it upon myself because i somewhere deep inside believe i don't want to party or if i've just grown too far apart from my friends who do party. probably the later. i love my friends that i've been spending time with, but sometimes, i just want adventure. sometimes, i just need to be bad. i need to break the rules every so often. life has become too predictable for me. but then i find myself without anyone to talk to so often these days. i forgot how really my teachers are better friends than i ever could have imagined. i forgot how much i force myself to do the school work because i really don't have as many distractions as i think i do when it comes down to talking to friends from home. i have plenty of distractions during the day at winsor, but when it comes to night, i have basically one person. and when that one person goes away, i suddenly feel entirely lost. did i really just seperate myself from my old winsor friends for one person? yeah, i did. i hope it was worth it. and i hope any of my winsor friends reading this will give me a chance to be a part of their lives again, because i feel really removed from so many of you... but many of you from whom i feel most removed are the ones i expected always to have. have i totally fucked up?
i'm starting to feel the insecurity of middle school creeping back in...well, not quite so bad. goddamnit, i hate big changes. and being 20 minutes away isn't any comfort when i don't have the safety net of winsor to be able to see you every day. and it isn't any comfort when so many of you will be so far away, physically and personally.
i feel like the foundations of my life are slowly crumbling beneath me. right now though, i feel like there's nothing anywhere else that i would want to replace those pillars with. i don't want new MIT pillars. i want my old life's pillars. i truly hope some things will never change. it's weird to say, but i hope the comfort of matt never leaves. i think after 16 years of friendship, and yes, best friends, in a sense, we couldn't ever grow apart for good. i hope we will always end up back near to each other, being part of each other's lives...even if neither shares well. i hope cara never leaves, i would be lost. i hope W05 and winsor and EVERYONE never leaves. i would list everyone here if i had the energy. i don't like loss. i don't like leaving people behind just because our time is over, but hanging on to something fake is not satisfying either.
i wish i could argue my way out of change. why do i have to accept this? i feel like i'm losing so much more than i'll ever gain back, not in quantity, but in quality. not necessarily the quality of our friendship...some of you whom i will miss greatly are people i wasn't even close with. i'll miss the quality of who you are. of how you impact my environment, always for the better. in the long run, your impact is always for the better.
i suppose i've rambled myself out. i mean, i could keep going. i always can. but to keep going would be like to continuing to eat once you're full. i am full. thankyouverymuch.
boy oh boy i'm just a shitty person tonight.
minus going out to chinese food and watching the OC with dana which was mucho fun.
heyyyy my parents aren't home this weekend. party woooo. except the opposite could not have been more true. the one weekend i could take advantage of staying out partying and not sleeping at home or having to worry about making up an excuse, i do the most innocent things possible. cause oh wait, i don't really have access to do wild and crazy things anymore. i can't tell if i've just brought it upon myself because i somewhere deep inside believe i don't want to party or if i've just grown too far apart from my friends who do party. probably the later. i love my friends that i've been spending time with, but sometimes, i just want adventure. sometimes, i just need to be bad. i need to break the rules every so often. life has become too predictable for me. but then i find myself without anyone to talk to so often these days. i forgot how really my teachers are better friends than i ever could have imagined. i forgot how much i force myself to do the school work because i really don't have as many distractions as i think i do when it comes down to talking to friends from home. i have plenty of distractions during the day at winsor, but when it comes to night, i have basically one person. and when that one person goes away, i suddenly feel entirely lost. did i really just seperate myself from my old winsor friends for one person? yeah, i did. i hope it was worth it. and i hope any of my winsor friends reading this will give me a chance to be a part of their lives again, because i feel really removed from so many of you... but many of you from whom i feel most removed are the ones i expected always to have. have i totally fucked up?
i'm starting to feel the insecurity of middle school creeping back in...well, not quite so bad. goddamnit, i hate big changes. and being 20 minutes away isn't any comfort when i don't have the safety net of winsor to be able to see you every day. and it isn't any comfort when so many of you will be so far away, physically and personally.
i feel like the foundations of my life are slowly crumbling beneath me. right now though, i feel like there's nothing anywhere else that i would want to replace those pillars with. i don't want new MIT pillars. i want my old life's pillars. i truly hope some things will never change. it's weird to say, but i hope the comfort of matt never leaves. i think after 16 years of friendship, and yes, best friends, in a sense, we couldn't ever grow apart for good. i hope we will always end up back near to each other, being part of each other's lives...even if neither shares well. i hope cara never leaves, i would be lost. i hope W05 and winsor and EVERYONE never leaves. i would list everyone here if i had the energy. i don't like loss. i don't like leaving people behind just because our time is over, but hanging on to something fake is not satisfying either.
i wish i could argue my way out of change. why do i have to accept this? i feel like i'm losing so much more than i'll ever gain back, not in quantity, but in quality. not necessarily the quality of our friendship...some of you whom i will miss greatly are people i wasn't even close with. i'll miss the quality of who you are. of how you impact my environment, always for the better. in the long run, your impact is always for the better.
i suppose i've rambled myself out. i mean, i could keep going. i always can. but to keep going would be like to continuing to eat once you're full. i am full. thankyouverymuch.