I think the steve is broken
Just when i think things are okay... im all of a sudden sad again. This sucks. Like i don't even have a reason to be sad. Im just... broken. Which is really confusing me because yesterday was so awesome. I think i'll just skip the quick update. Not in the mood. So yesterday rocked. After wakin up, I went out to Breakfast/Dinner at McDonalds. It was me, Scott, and Karl, and we totally rocked the "not do anything" mojo. We drank from the fountain machine until we got sick, and then left. I cashed my check, and then we set up the night, which was going to be Bowling at Nine... and then like nothing else was planned.
Anyways... So Bowling was great. Lots of people, lots of laughter, lots of fun. I actually started to get a headache from laughing so much, and that was really nice. Plus it was totally a last school-year reunion... like everyone and their momma showed up. Lots of Hugs. So then we dropped off Angie, and it was Me, Scott, Karl, and Jason. We bought chips and soda, with the intent of going up to the mountain (possibly with girls) and then being scared of the lightning. Girls was wishful thinking.. but im a wishful thinker sometimes. So what actually happened was that I had to be at home, so we ended up sitting in my front yard in the Blazer and swapping stories. We totally just chilled out in the rain, (eventually we smarted up and got a tarp) and then just chilled. Then Zach L. and Nate H. showed up... and holy crap if things don't get awesome-er when Zach shows up. He's like... "i gotta take a crap" and let's just say that Spiderman Struck again. Oh man... someday over cards i'll tell you guys that story. p.s. Jerry's house got struck by lightning.
So i got in bed by like 2, and was up at 10 30. trying to get in a sane sleeping schedule. So i spent like my whole day cleaning... and im not really sure why. I guess telling stories with the guys reminded me a lot of Cari. I dunno. So instead of spending time with friends which would have made me feel better, i ended up sitting round and waiting to go to work. I spent a lot of time just chattin online, and that kinda make me feel worse. I deliberately talked to people about things that i knew what would make me feel bad, and so everything kind of went according to plan. All it did was make me feel really bad.. like someone was twisting my insides around. People tell me that this is how it's going to be for a very long time... and i don't really like it. I wish that i was all better... but just when things seem to be better i sink again. Like my happiness just comes in waves. Alternating days lol. So right now im kinda hurting... and even tho i know being with friends would make me feel better, i don't want to be a drag on the group. And plus it's like "brett's in town!" and i don't want to do anything to ruin the memory.
Lol.. like have feelings.
Im starting to realize that im not too rational during these low points. I seem to have been not too rational for a while now. Apparently the good feelings from the other day have worn off. I just kind of want things to not be like this. Just this horrifying uncomfortable silence. I want to talk to somebody. I need to be able to talk to someone who understands and will help me fix it. Because i don't know if im the kind of guy to just try and forget a problem, ignore it and it'll go away. And now i realize that im being bitter and trying to strike out at those who hurt me. Some part of me wants to make them feel bad so that they'll talk to me. GodDamnit. Am i that weak? Fuck Me i thought this was going to make me feel better lol. Well i think the biggest problem is that im not satisfied with how things are working out. Like there's something that hasn't been solved. Some Mystery that my mind will keep picking at until i get so depressed i lose it.
Fuck this... i can't keep typing.. Im going to say something stupid.. / stupider than what i've already said.
So far the highlight of my day has been some stick-on tattoo of a skull with angel wings i slapped on my fore-arm. lol... Looks tight.
anyways... G'Nite
~Steve~
Anyways... So Bowling was great. Lots of people, lots of laughter, lots of fun. I actually started to get a headache from laughing so much, and that was really nice. Plus it was totally a last school-year reunion... like everyone and their momma showed up. Lots of Hugs. So then we dropped off Angie, and it was Me, Scott, Karl, and Jason. We bought chips and soda, with the intent of going up to the mountain (possibly with girls) and then being scared of the lightning. Girls was wishful thinking.. but im a wishful thinker sometimes. So what actually happened was that I had to be at home, so we ended up sitting in my front yard in the Blazer and swapping stories. We totally just chilled out in the rain, (eventually we smarted up and got a tarp) and then just chilled. Then Zach L. and Nate H. showed up... and holy crap if things don't get awesome-er when Zach shows up. He's like... "i gotta take a crap" and let's just say that Spiderman Struck again. Oh man... someday over cards i'll tell you guys that story. p.s. Jerry's house got struck by lightning.
So i got in bed by like 2, and was up at 10 30. trying to get in a sane sleeping schedule. So i spent like my whole day cleaning... and im not really sure why. I guess telling stories with the guys reminded me a lot of Cari. I dunno. So instead of spending time with friends which would have made me feel better, i ended up sitting round and waiting to go to work. I spent a lot of time just chattin online, and that kinda make me feel worse. I deliberately talked to people about things that i knew what would make me feel bad, and so everything kind of went according to plan. All it did was make me feel really bad.. like someone was twisting my insides around. People tell me that this is how it's going to be for a very long time... and i don't really like it. I wish that i was all better... but just when things seem to be better i sink again. Like my happiness just comes in waves. Alternating days lol. So right now im kinda hurting... and even tho i know being with friends would make me feel better, i don't want to be a drag on the group. And plus it's like "brett's in town!" and i don't want to do anything to ruin the memory.
Lol.. like have feelings.
Im starting to realize that im not too rational during these low points. I seem to have been not too rational for a while now. Apparently the good feelings from the other day have worn off. I just kind of want things to not be like this. Just this horrifying uncomfortable silence. I want to talk to somebody. I need to be able to talk to someone who understands and will help me fix it. Because i don't know if im the kind of guy to just try and forget a problem, ignore it and it'll go away. And now i realize that im being bitter and trying to strike out at those who hurt me. Some part of me wants to make them feel bad so that they'll talk to me. GodDamnit. Am i that weak? Fuck Me i thought this was going to make me feel better lol. Well i think the biggest problem is that im not satisfied with how things are working out. Like there's something that hasn't been solved. Some Mystery that my mind will keep picking at until i get so depressed i lose it.
Fuck this... i can't keep typing.. Im going to say something stupid.. / stupider than what i've already said.
So far the highlight of my day has been some stick-on tattoo of a skull with angel wings i slapped on my fore-arm. lol... Looks tight.
anyways... G'Nite
~Steve~