I'm writing again... these letters to you.
Holy shittttttt. Just busted out some Finch and started up the memory factory.
One after one, as these songs play through my brain, they activate the same neural pathways they did a decade back. According to current theories of the brain, they may in fact be stimulating the same exact neurons stimulated all those years ago. I wonder what else these brain cells have been stimulated by since then? Possibly nothing? Will their only function in their entire lifespan be to remember the screamy part to Grey Matter by Finch? That would be incredibly ironic and beautiful. There is no denying that they are inextricably linked with all kinds of teenage turmoil memory neurons. Just listening to these songs brings back all kinds of terribly confusing emotions. It's strange that I can think back to all kinds of situations from adolescence and realize how silly it all was. I can now recognize how terribly unequipped I was emotionally to deal with everything happening then! But even now, my brain feels the same confusion; it's almost a paralyzing sense of inadequacy. Even now, with a much more developed emotional toolkit, I can't help but feel all angsty inside. Even now! With so much more life experience under my belt! I can't escape the ultra destructive mayhem that these totally fucked up overwhelming emotions caused then! It's blowing my mind.
Livejournal. Fucking Livejournal. It's like a self performed longitudinal study on my own social/emotional development. Every time I get on here I end up thinking about my life as a larger entity rather than instantaneous bits. If my life were represented by a closed, filled polygon on a 2d plane, birth would be the origin x=y=0. Each life begins as a tiny circle around this starting point. Every moment of life is experienced at the very boundary of this shape. When something new is experienced or encountered you are pushing at the boundary and reshaping your entire existence shape. Sadness might be represented by a push along the vector x=y=-1. Happiness might be a push in the opposite direction, not necessarily cancelling out or removing the sadness but balancing or overwhelming it. I think there would be many things that don't change your shape at all. Among them: checking facebook, earning a paycheck, looking at pictures of cats on the internet. Extreme examples of shape change inducing events include the creation and destruction of life: birth and death of loved ones. Death of self doesn't change your shape, instead your shape is set into stone and placed among all the other shapes created by humans in the past. Every day is a toss up between living safely on the boundary or pushing against the edge.
It's easy to see the result of loving someone. Your shapes start to join at a lot of different points where you experience the same things together. As you live longer next to each other they start to become one large giant shape with very few holes or boundaries left. It's probably good to talk about any holes or boundaries that you notice on a daily basis. The topology of your joined shape will have fewer and fewer holes as you grow together. This analogy can go much further, but again it boils down to a daily decision of shape-changing vs stagnation.
It's hard to think this way while at the same time having a job I must go to all day every day and essentially do nothing to change my own shape. I'm not sure if every day shape-changing and the capitalist/consumerist society with live in are completely compatible. I would hope that there is a certain amount of overlap but it's hard to recognize on a daily basis. Maybe I should make a real hard push to write in this journal every day again?
It feels a bit like shape-changing to simply write this post.
Maybe it's a good place to (re)start.
One after one, as these songs play through my brain, they activate the same neural pathways they did a decade back. According to current theories of the brain, they may in fact be stimulating the same exact neurons stimulated all those years ago. I wonder what else these brain cells have been stimulated by since then? Possibly nothing? Will their only function in their entire lifespan be to remember the screamy part to Grey Matter by Finch? That would be incredibly ironic and beautiful. There is no denying that they are inextricably linked with all kinds of teenage turmoil memory neurons. Just listening to these songs brings back all kinds of terribly confusing emotions. It's strange that I can think back to all kinds of situations from adolescence and realize how silly it all was. I can now recognize how terribly unequipped I was emotionally to deal with everything happening then! But even now, my brain feels the same confusion; it's almost a paralyzing sense of inadequacy. Even now, with a much more developed emotional toolkit, I can't help but feel all angsty inside. Even now! With so much more life experience under my belt! I can't escape the ultra destructive mayhem that these totally fucked up overwhelming emotions caused then! It's blowing my mind.
Livejournal. Fucking Livejournal. It's like a self performed longitudinal study on my own social/emotional development. Every time I get on here I end up thinking about my life as a larger entity rather than instantaneous bits. If my life were represented by a closed, filled polygon on a 2d plane, birth would be the origin x=y=0. Each life begins as a tiny circle around this starting point. Every moment of life is experienced at the very boundary of this shape. When something new is experienced or encountered you are pushing at the boundary and reshaping your entire existence shape. Sadness might be represented by a push along the vector x=y=-1. Happiness might be a push in the opposite direction, not necessarily cancelling out or removing the sadness but balancing or overwhelming it. I think there would be many things that don't change your shape at all. Among them: checking facebook, earning a paycheck, looking at pictures of cats on the internet. Extreme examples of shape change inducing events include the creation and destruction of life: birth and death of loved ones. Death of self doesn't change your shape, instead your shape is set into stone and placed among all the other shapes created by humans in the past. Every day is a toss up between living safely on the boundary or pushing against the edge.
It's easy to see the result of loving someone. Your shapes start to join at a lot of different points where you experience the same things together. As you live longer next to each other they start to become one large giant shape with very few holes or boundaries left. It's probably good to talk about any holes or boundaries that you notice on a daily basis. The topology of your joined shape will have fewer and fewer holes as you grow together. This analogy can go much further, but again it boils down to a daily decision of shape-changing vs stagnation.
It's hard to think this way while at the same time having a job I must go to all day every day and essentially do nothing to change my own shape. I'm not sure if every day shape-changing and the capitalist/consumerist society with live in are completely compatible. I would hope that there is a certain amount of overlap but it's hard to recognize on a daily basis. Maybe I should make a real hard push to write in this journal every day again?
It feels a bit like shape-changing to simply write this post.
Maybe it's a good place to (re)start.