every single kid who didn't go to the Sadies Hawkins Dance in seventh grade
Alright, alright. I'm sick of seeing pictures of awesome fun frat/tech parties at SxSW. The truth is, even today, with beautiful aluminum and glass iPads and faded denim jackets with just the right amount of black mixed in so it isn't the same color of those stupid denim shorts that were so cool when you were in third grade, computers aren't cool. Trust me. I'm a living example. I'd much rather be having sex right now than typing this on my new laptop. I'd much rather be having sex right now than mentioning that I bought a new laptop because that'll subtly convey that I have some type of wealth. I want a gold-digging slutty hungry road-head giving girlfriend, not a Tumblr account, okay?
In reality, every single kid who didn't go to the Sadie Hawkins Dance in seventh grade because he wasn't invited spent that night on the computer, talking to the five people he knew (four male, one female, not hot, probably had a crush on you, you never ever would bang her, she knew everything about you, kind of mentally perfect you but just too fat, even though you don't think you're judgmental about that kind of stuff, i mean, you're not one of "those guys" are you? it's just THIS girl. i mean, she's your friend, right? you can't ever date her because that would fuck up the friendship. and, well, i mean... she's fat. i can't help it.) on AOL Instant Messenger and thinking that one day he'd be the guy who showed that computers can be cool and he'd have a sweet car, a vagina all to himself (that was part of another, living, person), and billions of dollars because computers aren't just for geeks now. Yeah, that happened already. It was called the late 1990s. Those guys were still complete nerds, they just had money, and no matter what the girl says, she's a gold digger. Okay? Maybe not all girls are gold diggers, but the ones who date millionaires are. It's never going to repeat itself again. The "dot-com boom" completely fucking destroyed the economy, let losers accumulate wealth that was wildly over-valued and over-inflated because the investment bankers that actually could fuck girls whenever they wanted without knowing how to use a computer (because they had money) were STILL MAKING MORE MONEY THAN THE NERDS and didn't want to stop the party. So, I think, it finally took Apple to release laptops that looked like toilet seats and for a company to seriously be called "Yahoo!" for people to be like "oh, whoa, whoa... holy shit, this is a little out of control." and then all the geeks quickly cashed in their stock options, traded in their Ferrari for a Hyundai Tiburon, and bought a decent-sized "manchion-ette" in the suburbs of Silicon Valley, and decided to launch the next Facebook killer. Every single one of them failed. The investment bankers are still having sex.
I guess I'm bitter. I haven't tried to write anything in months, I'm still a dead-inside emotionally scarred unemployed nerd who is hopelessly in love with his ex-girlfriend who probably thinks I overdosed by now and will never love me again. I have no skills that exist outside of this laptop, except maybe writing with pen and paper, and telling racist, mean, sarcastic jokes, but even those talents are really rusty because I've spent the last 2 years of my life "getting clean and sober from drugs" (there is no way to make that sound not-lame. every single way to phrase the act of not doing drugs anymore and becoming healthier is absolutely cringeworthy) and hoping my ex-girlfriend would miss me and come back. I also watched a lot of BBC America, gained weight, and had several bad haircuts and several drunk text-message conversations with what I thought were potential "getting over the ex-girlfriend" prospects, but in reality were girls I had crushes on before her who were already settled down and fucking the person they would for the rest of their lives (in reality: until they cheat on them. My graduating class was full of sluts. Yes, I'm only saying that because I didn't sleep with any of them.)
When will I learn that writing with comments in parenthesis isn't funny or cute or something I want to ever remember, that I'll be single forever, and that I probably should get a real job somewhere else because I'll never be that cool geek that fades into oblivion with a Hyundai Tiburon?
I say "hopefully I'll start writing more" to the two people who might still read this and haven't completely given up on me yet, but the reality is that I'll probably be suicidal and miserable for four more months before I even post an update to this thing again. I'm just not myself anymore. Steve Kudelko died on February 16, 2009 and whatever is in his old body will hopefully be dead soon too.
In reality, every single kid who didn't go to the Sadie Hawkins Dance in seventh grade because he wasn't invited spent that night on the computer, talking to the five people he knew (four male, one female, not hot, probably had a crush on you, you never ever would bang her, she knew everything about you, kind of mentally perfect you but just too fat, even though you don't think you're judgmental about that kind of stuff, i mean, you're not one of "those guys" are you? it's just THIS girl. i mean, she's your friend, right? you can't ever date her because that would fuck up the friendship. and, well, i mean... she's fat. i can't help it.) on AOL Instant Messenger and thinking that one day he'd be the guy who showed that computers can be cool and he'd have a sweet car, a vagina all to himself (that was part of another, living, person), and billions of dollars because computers aren't just for geeks now. Yeah, that happened already. It was called the late 1990s. Those guys were still complete nerds, they just had money, and no matter what the girl says, she's a gold digger. Okay? Maybe not all girls are gold diggers, but the ones who date millionaires are. It's never going to repeat itself again. The "dot-com boom" completely fucking destroyed the economy, let losers accumulate wealth that was wildly over-valued and over-inflated because the investment bankers that actually could fuck girls whenever they wanted without knowing how to use a computer (because they had money) were STILL MAKING MORE MONEY THAN THE NERDS and didn't want to stop the party. So, I think, it finally took Apple to release laptops that looked like toilet seats and for a company to seriously be called "Yahoo!" for people to be like "oh, whoa, whoa... holy shit, this is a little out of control." and then all the geeks quickly cashed in their stock options, traded in their Ferrari for a Hyundai Tiburon, and bought a decent-sized "manchion-ette" in the suburbs of Silicon Valley, and decided to launch the next Facebook killer. Every single one of them failed. The investment bankers are still having sex.
I guess I'm bitter. I haven't tried to write anything in months, I'm still a dead-inside emotionally scarred unemployed nerd who is hopelessly in love with his ex-girlfriend who probably thinks I overdosed by now and will never love me again. I have no skills that exist outside of this laptop, except maybe writing with pen and paper, and telling racist, mean, sarcastic jokes, but even those talents are really rusty because I've spent the last 2 years of my life "getting clean and sober from drugs" (there is no way to make that sound not-lame. every single way to phrase the act of not doing drugs anymore and becoming healthier is absolutely cringeworthy) and hoping my ex-girlfriend would miss me and come back. I also watched a lot of BBC America, gained weight, and had several bad haircuts and several drunk text-message conversations with what I thought were potential "getting over the ex-girlfriend" prospects, but in reality were girls I had crushes on before her who were already settled down and fucking the person they would for the rest of their lives (in reality: until they cheat on them. My graduating class was full of sluts. Yes, I'm only saying that because I didn't sleep with any of them.)
When will I learn that writing with comments in parenthesis isn't funny or cute or something I want to ever remember, that I'll be single forever, and that I probably should get a real job somewhere else because I'll never be that cool geek that fades into oblivion with a Hyundai Tiburon?
I say "hopefully I'll start writing more" to the two people who might still read this and haven't completely given up on me yet, but the reality is that I'll probably be suicidal and miserable for four more months before I even post an update to this thing again. I'm just not myself anymore. Steve Kudelko died on February 16, 2009 and whatever is in his old body will hopefully be dead soon too.