A look back....
I just looked through a box of memorablilia from junior high and high school, and I made a few observations about myself:
1.) I was a huge dork back in the day (some may argue this has not changed)
2.) I didn't know shit about life. I was perfectly content being popular, and I thought that would sustain me.
3.) I was a horrible songwriter. Not that I think I'm the best now, but I have grown.
4.) I've managed to look younger as I've gotten older.
5.) Of all the people in my graduating class that I said would be a part of my life forever, 2 of them are.
It's funny now to think that I wasn't gay in high school. I mean, I was, but I spent so much time and energy trying to prove that I wasn't. I just wanted to be like everybody else, which baffles my mind these days. For so long, conformity seemed like the best possible solution, but now it just annoys me. I pride myself on being an idividual. Granted, I still enjoy nice things and name brands, but I don't have to wear a T-shirt with an obscure band on it to be an individual.
I also knew absolutely nothing about heartache. My greatest fear in high school besides my normal teen angst was losing my Daddy. It was something I thought about, cried about, prayed about, and got angry about every day. I didn't know what it felt like to lose someone you love, but I knew what that iminent fear felt like. Now I can say I know what those things feel like. I have lost people I love, I've had my heart broken, I've been used and I am still here. I'm not sure how, and I don't know how unaffected I am by these events, but nonetheless, I am here.
I found out tonight that a friend from Huntington was killed in Iraq over the weekend. Senseless. My momma also told me that my aunt was sent home from the hospital today so she could die peacefully at home. I'm really just kind of numb to both of these things because I've yet to get over the shock of my grandmother's death. I honestly don't know how much we're supposed to endure in this lifetime, and what we're supposed to gain from it. All this makes me think of two quotes:
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
"God will never put more on you than you can endure."
Well, what if what doesn't kill us doesn't make us any stronger; it only makes us crazy. That's how I feel. I feel like even though I've managed to come through some of these trials of life, I haven't walked away unscathed and without my share of battle scars. I feel like when I lost those pieces of my heart, it took a little bit of my mind with it. I'm not the same as I was before April 6. I lost my source of unconditional love and support. I lost the one person that always made me feel special, the one who wanted my dreams to come true as badly as I did, the one person who took up for me no matter what...I lost the one person who I loved more than anything in this world, and with that, I lost my mind.
I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what path to take, or if I've fallen so far off the road that I have no hope of getting back on.
"Time is a healer, but we can't see how.
When we're caught in the moment, and the hurting is now."
I really hope this is true, but I have my doubts. It's been over 4 years since I lost my Daddy, but time hasn't done much to close that wound. Maybe I'm just the one that can't be fixed. Maybe God intends to use me as an example for others to show how much one person can endure before they break. I don't have the answers. I don't even know all the questions. All I know is that right now, all I pray for is one good day. One day when my heart doesn't ache for anything, when my world and my life feels complete. I don't know.
I just don't know.
1.) I was a huge dork back in the day (some may argue this has not changed)
2.) I didn't know shit about life. I was perfectly content being popular, and I thought that would sustain me.
3.) I was a horrible songwriter. Not that I think I'm the best now, but I have grown.
4.) I've managed to look younger as I've gotten older.
5.) Of all the people in my graduating class that I said would be a part of my life forever, 2 of them are.
It's funny now to think that I wasn't gay in high school. I mean, I was, but I spent so much time and energy trying to prove that I wasn't. I just wanted to be like everybody else, which baffles my mind these days. For so long, conformity seemed like the best possible solution, but now it just annoys me. I pride myself on being an idividual. Granted, I still enjoy nice things and name brands, but I don't have to wear a T-shirt with an obscure band on it to be an individual.
I also knew absolutely nothing about heartache. My greatest fear in high school besides my normal teen angst was losing my Daddy. It was something I thought about, cried about, prayed about, and got angry about every day. I didn't know what it felt like to lose someone you love, but I knew what that iminent fear felt like. Now I can say I know what those things feel like. I have lost people I love, I've had my heart broken, I've been used and I am still here. I'm not sure how, and I don't know how unaffected I am by these events, but nonetheless, I am here.
I found out tonight that a friend from Huntington was killed in Iraq over the weekend. Senseless. My momma also told me that my aunt was sent home from the hospital today so she could die peacefully at home. I'm really just kind of numb to both of these things because I've yet to get over the shock of my grandmother's death. I honestly don't know how much we're supposed to endure in this lifetime, and what we're supposed to gain from it. All this makes me think of two quotes:
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
"God will never put more on you than you can endure."
Well, what if what doesn't kill us doesn't make us any stronger; it only makes us crazy. That's how I feel. I feel like even though I've managed to come through some of these trials of life, I haven't walked away unscathed and without my share of battle scars. I feel like when I lost those pieces of my heart, it took a little bit of my mind with it. I'm not the same as I was before April 6. I lost my source of unconditional love and support. I lost the one person that always made me feel special, the one who wanted my dreams to come true as badly as I did, the one person who took up for me no matter what...I lost the one person who I loved more than anything in this world, and with that, I lost my mind.
I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what path to take, or if I've fallen so far off the road that I have no hope of getting back on.
"Time is a healer, but we can't see how.
When we're caught in the moment, and the hurting is now."
I really hope this is true, but I have my doubts. It's been over 4 years since I lost my Daddy, but time hasn't done much to close that wound. Maybe I'm just the one that can't be fixed. Maybe God intends to use me as an example for others to show how much one person can endure before they break. I don't have the answers. I don't even know all the questions. All I know is that right now, all I pray for is one good day. One day when my heart doesn't ache for anything, when my world and my life feels complete. I don't know.
I just don't know.