And the ball has dropped
have you ever staired at yourself in the mirror...and absolutely hated the person starting back at you?
i did that this morning.
i absolutly hate the reflection staring back at me.
so what if im not a nice person anymore. Nice people always finish last right? but i liked being nice. it fit me. maybe because when at work im asked to be freaking nice 24/7. well in my case 8.5/4 but still. being nice. it never pays off. all it lands you, is sitting at home alone on a friday night, drinking and taking pain pills, to try to help you froget why your so miserable. And then you realize the thing makeing you most miserable is staring you right in the face, and even talking to you online.
so what if im not funny or happy anymore. dont get me wrong. i was never the funnies or happiest. But i was funny and i was happy. maybe its because for two years i was in this make-belive world where i didnt feel, i didnt cry, i didnt hurt. So what happens when we dont feel, dont cry, and dont hurt? We pretend we're alright. We pretend we're happy. We pretend to be funny. Well, I cant pretend anymore. I cant feign being happy. I'll admit it for an entire month i was extremely happy. And then suddenly a switch went off and said..nope..no more happy. Steve, you've had to much happy. It feels like my entire lifetime has been laced with depression, sadness, and aloneness. Regret. Solitude. But never anger. Very Rarely do i ever get angry.
so what if im just ordinary. nothing special, nothing spectacular to offer someone. That maybe, i was programmed to be alone, because hey, someone should have let me know right? I dont do alone well. Well i dont konw where all this pain is coming from acutally... maybe its just because of all the uncertanty right now. maybe its because im falling for someone who almost seems to be pulling away. or maybe, i just read into things to much. maybe its me. its usually me. its almost always usually me. help.
Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.
i did that this morning.
i absolutly hate the reflection staring back at me.
so what if im not a nice person anymore. Nice people always finish last right? but i liked being nice. it fit me. maybe because when at work im asked to be freaking nice 24/7. well in my case 8.5/4 but still. being nice. it never pays off. all it lands you, is sitting at home alone on a friday night, drinking and taking pain pills, to try to help you froget why your so miserable. And then you realize the thing makeing you most miserable is staring you right in the face, and even talking to you online.
so what if im not funny or happy anymore. dont get me wrong. i was never the funnies or happiest. But i was funny and i was happy. maybe its because for two years i was in this make-belive world where i didnt feel, i didnt cry, i didnt hurt. So what happens when we dont feel, dont cry, and dont hurt? We pretend we're alright. We pretend we're happy. We pretend to be funny. Well, I cant pretend anymore. I cant feign being happy. I'll admit it for an entire month i was extremely happy. And then suddenly a switch went off and said..nope..no more happy. Steve, you've had to much happy. It feels like my entire lifetime has been laced with depression, sadness, and aloneness. Regret. Solitude. But never anger. Very Rarely do i ever get angry.
so what if im just ordinary. nothing special, nothing spectacular to offer someone. That maybe, i was programmed to be alone, because hey, someone should have let me know right? I dont do alone well. Well i dont konw where all this pain is coming from acutally... maybe its just because of all the uncertanty right now. maybe its because im falling for someone who almost seems to be pulling away. or maybe, i just read into things to much. maybe its me. its usually me. its almost always usually me. help.
Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.