spelling doesn't matter if you mean it.
recently, i've had my eyes opened. i woke to the reality of my own passivity. this situation i've found myself in is entirely of my own creation. for the better part of six years (almost seven) working at sobey's has been "good enough". i've allowed myself to settle and worked myself into a deep, dissatisfying, albeit comfortable rut. i actually believed that i liked my job simply because it was something that i excelled at. simply because i could in a sense, view myself as a martyr.
by this, i mean that i found a certain romance in being a cog in a giant machine. toiling away, working extreme hours and literally working myself sick on more than one occasion. second year, after exams, i collapsed due to exhaustion and dehydration. i liked the envy, i accepted the pity, and drew a sick satisfaction from the aches at the end of a twelve hour day. i defined myself by my value to the Great Grocery Gods.
recently, i've realized i mistook value of quality for value of bargain. I viewed myself as the former, my bosses as the latter. i do good work. honest work. regardless of my penchant fo the finer things a high end grocery store can offer. they viewed me like a garage sale find. "look at what we got!" and "it works better than anything you can but new," they'd muse, "and my how cheap we got it" I'm realizing a parallel in my life and the jewelery from claire's you get complimented on. the perfect disposable investment.
this came to a head last friday. and every 10 hour shift since has tested my patience and self respect. last friday, i called in sick. i had been up all night, and was feeling better, but not enough to go to work. while i was at home, my boss was talking shit about me. to paraphrase, he brought up my rampant alcoholism. if you are my friend reading this, i ask you, how many times have i left you at a bar or club because i had to work in the morning? how many times have you seen me drunk when i have to work the next day? you can count them on one hand can't you? i thought so. if you ae my friend, you also know about my andid nature. ask me a question, and i'll tell you no lies. since i spend 50hours a week at work, they know everything that has happened to me in the last 7 years. my boss listed my drug and alcohol problems (i drink, i do drugs, i only knew of 2 people who thought i had a problem) as being the root cause for my financial problems. not my low paying job, rent, osap payment, hydro, cell phone, and credit card payments. my need to eat at least once a day, or my knowledge that some people need my money more than i do.
i can handle him saying this. in the heat of the moment, i'd forgive him. see it as a compliment to my work. i'd think, "wow... they NEED me that bad!" then my boss did the unforgivable. i'll quote to the best of my abilities here, "you'd think he'd know better, that he'd have learned something from that loser father of his." adding that "with a brother in prison for drugs and an alcoholic father, all the shit he does when he's off work,no wonder he was too fucking stupid to finish school."
i have never been so insulted, so disrespected and offended in my life. i made a conscious decision to fogive my dad of what he's done, and who he'd been. without getting into it here, he got a raw deal, and did the best he could with what he had and who he was. i do believe foriveness is something you do. not something that happens with time. my dad was not a good dad. but he did a huge deal of good to people he knew and didn't know through his work, and is involvment in organizations before he got sick. my brother has made a lot of mistakes. a lot. but everyday is a step, and hes made a lot of steps in the right direction in the last 2 years. he didn't shy away from what he did. he owned up, and is serving his time. unortunately due to the state of courts, he had a lot of freedom to change before his sentance started. now, when he made the most progess, he's in the middle of an 18month sentance.
i'm proud to be who i am, and to be from where i came.
but now, everyday at work is making me more and more angry. i see how i am being mistreatd with every hour that passes. i can't confront my boss. not yet. he's the only reference i have for the last 7 years of my life. i need a new job first. thats the killer, since he doesn't know that i know what was said, he is acting like everything is normal. and for him, it is. i need out before i go crazy. i need to be smart, and responsible about this. as smart and responsible as a 23year old drug addict alcoholic can be.
as i see it, worst case scenario, my ast day at sobey's will be august 19th. teleperformance is hiring for the week of july 23rd, but because of my sisters wedding, i'll miss 3 training shifts for the engagement dinner, rehersal dinner, and wedding, over the 2 week training. the second set of hiring starts august 20th. i'm not willing to take a pay cut. $10.00 /hr isn't much, but is hard to find as a starting wage, and i'm not wasting another 7 years to get it.
i deserve better. and i will find it.
by this, i mean that i found a certain romance in being a cog in a giant machine. toiling away, working extreme hours and literally working myself sick on more than one occasion. second year, after exams, i collapsed due to exhaustion and dehydration. i liked the envy, i accepted the pity, and drew a sick satisfaction from the aches at the end of a twelve hour day. i defined myself by my value to the Great Grocery Gods.
recently, i've realized i mistook value of quality for value of bargain. I viewed myself as the former, my bosses as the latter. i do good work. honest work. regardless of my penchant fo the finer things a high end grocery store can offer. they viewed me like a garage sale find. "look at what we got!" and "it works better than anything you can but new," they'd muse, "and my how cheap we got it" I'm realizing a parallel in my life and the jewelery from claire's you get complimented on. the perfect disposable investment.
this came to a head last friday. and every 10 hour shift since has tested my patience and self respect. last friday, i called in sick. i had been up all night, and was feeling better, but not enough to go to work. while i was at home, my boss was talking shit about me. to paraphrase, he brought up my rampant alcoholism. if you are my friend reading this, i ask you, how many times have i left you at a bar or club because i had to work in the morning? how many times have you seen me drunk when i have to work the next day? you can count them on one hand can't you? i thought so. if you ae my friend, you also know about my andid nature. ask me a question, and i'll tell you no lies. since i spend 50hours a week at work, they know everything that has happened to me in the last 7 years. my boss listed my drug and alcohol problems (i drink, i do drugs, i only knew of 2 people who thought i had a problem) as being the root cause for my financial problems. not my low paying job, rent, osap payment, hydro, cell phone, and credit card payments. my need to eat at least once a day, or my knowledge that some people need my money more than i do.
i can handle him saying this. in the heat of the moment, i'd forgive him. see it as a compliment to my work. i'd think, "wow... they NEED me that bad!" then my boss did the unforgivable. i'll quote to the best of my abilities here, "you'd think he'd know better, that he'd have learned something from that loser father of his." adding that "with a brother in prison for drugs and an alcoholic father, all the shit he does when he's off work,no wonder he was too fucking stupid to finish school."
i have never been so insulted, so disrespected and offended in my life. i made a conscious decision to fogive my dad of what he's done, and who he'd been. without getting into it here, he got a raw deal, and did the best he could with what he had and who he was. i do believe foriveness is something you do. not something that happens with time. my dad was not a good dad. but he did a huge deal of good to people he knew and didn't know through his work, and is involvment in organizations before he got sick. my brother has made a lot of mistakes. a lot. but everyday is a step, and hes made a lot of steps in the right direction in the last 2 years. he didn't shy away from what he did. he owned up, and is serving his time. unortunately due to the state of courts, he had a lot of freedom to change before his sentance started. now, when he made the most progess, he's in the middle of an 18month sentance.
i'm proud to be who i am, and to be from where i came.
but now, everyday at work is making me more and more angry. i see how i am being mistreatd with every hour that passes. i can't confront my boss. not yet. he's the only reference i have for the last 7 years of my life. i need a new job first. thats the killer, since he doesn't know that i know what was said, he is acting like everything is normal. and for him, it is. i need out before i go crazy. i need to be smart, and responsible about this. as smart and responsible as a 23year old drug addict alcoholic can be.
as i see it, worst case scenario, my ast day at sobey's will be august 19th. teleperformance is hiring for the week of july 23rd, but because of my sisters wedding, i'll miss 3 training shifts for the engagement dinner, rehersal dinner, and wedding, over the 2 week training. the second set of hiring starts august 20th. i'm not willing to take a pay cut. $10.00 /hr isn't much, but is hard to find as a starting wage, and i'm not wasting another 7 years to get it.
i deserve better. and i will find it.