Getting out of Hell - 4
“Now you just stay in bed let me know if you need anything. Just let me give Sandy a call and let him know we made it home and then I’ll make you a cup of tea.” Kirsten tells Ryan. Getting Ryan back to Newport hadn’t been the easiest trip with all of his injuries but now that he was resting in the guest room Kirsten was much happier.
Kirsten has a quick conversation with Sandy. He was still in New York visiting his mother. She had updated Sandy as much as she could while she was waiting at the airport before she actually saw Ryan and hadn’t had a chance to catch up with him and let him know that she had convinced him to come home. He let her know that his mother was doing much better and that he was going to be home Sunday evening. Once she hung up with Sandy she entered the kitchen and started working on the tea and mulling over the situation her son’s were in.
Its been 6 months since Summers announcement of her pregnancy and they have had several “mother-daughter” conversations about the future. Summer has informed Kirsten that the boys had been together at one point during their college years. She wasn’t sure how close they were but when Marissa had finally succeeded in ending her life Summer had called Seth for comfort and things progressed from there. Once she was back in his life he had never left and eventually asked her to marry him. Summer admitted that she had basically been living her life with blinders on when it came to Seth. She knew then and knows now that Seth had/has feeling for Ryan but that he was never going to openly admit that to anyone. Kirsten knows how miserable Seth was during those first few years of High School and a lot of that had to do with the homophobic attitudes of the other boys in school. Years of being bullied and called gay, queer, fag and every other possible derogatory name have obviously left their mark on her son. Summers’ discussed how she really needed Seth at first and was willing to maintain the status quo because they were both happy but lately that happiness just isn’t there. She’s even admitted that things would probably be better for them all if Seth would just get over his issues, admit his true feelings and allow them all to move on with life. Knowing this about Summer gives Kirsten the courage to succumb to her desire to meddle in her son’s marriage. She’s pretty sure she wouldn’t be considering doing so if she though she was interfering with a happy couple but given Summers feelings she’s OK with the fact that what she wants to do will end Seth’s marriage.
Noticing the pool house lights were on and realizing that with Seth and Ryan under the same roof she might have the ability to fix things starting now she picks up her tea and heads over to pool house. She notices that Seth is just leaning against the bed staring at a paused game on the TV, game controller in hand. Once again he’s got a bottle of Tequila next to him. She can see that he’s barely touched it so he hasn’t been here long enough to get drunk. She walks in and knocks on the door post as she passes it. A little startled Seth looks over his shoulder and sees it’s his mother.
“Sorry, what are you doing up so late. Didn’t mean to wake you”
“I’ve been on the phone with your Dad. He’s coming home on Sunday” she says and tells him some more about the conversation she’s had with Sandy about the Nana.
“Good, good to know” Seth runs down and continues to hold on to the game controller he had in his hands when she walked in, just kind of staring at the paused game on the screen.
Kirsten moves over to a chair and sits down. Neither of them say anything for over a minute. Kirsten thinks this is not the Seth that grew up in this house and could never not fill a silence.
“So….you miss Ryan?”
Seth sharply raises his head and stares at her. She points to the controller in his hand and raises her eyebrows. “Yeah, Yeah, I do” he finally responds.
“You guys use to be so close. I would never have imagined that you would get to the point where you barely talk to each other. What happened?” Kirsten asks hoping Seth will give her something to go on.
“He moved away…” Seth says hoping that’s enough of an answer for his mother. He’s had just enough to drink that he’s a little buzzed which could be dangerous. He’s not sure he likes where this conversation may go and the alcohol in his system may betray him once again. He’s learned over the years that when he drinks he lets his guard down and his natural tendency to speak whatever is on his mind takes over which is not something he should be doing. Definitely no to saying what he thinks. That’s why he almost never has more than a single drink when he’s out with friends and why he comes back to the pool house to be morose and get drunk. No danger of opening up to the wrong person here … expect now his mom is sitting right in front of him, asking dangerous questions.
He’s spent years wondering what would have happened if he just had the strength to deal with his true feelings, but no he’s still the scared little high school kid who’s been bullied all his life. He was sure that getting out of Newport with Ryan would be the life changing event it should have been and it started out that way. During their freshman year Ryan and Seth shared a room at Berkley and without the social constraints of dealing with his parents, Newport Society and most importantly his high school classmates he was finally able to let himself show his feelings for Ryan. Mostly anyway. He was never comfortable with public displays of affection but behind closed doors things were definitely different. He still dreams of Ryan’s body and all the things they did together.
That was the best year ever for Seth. He and Ryan were able to spend so much time together and not worry about what others were thinking. One of the great things about a college like Berkeley was that for the most part everyone was pretty tolerant of everyone else so no one made any assumptions about their relationship and he was able to be happy with his life. Even though Berkeley was ultra liberal Seth never officially came out of the closet. He and Ryan were together but mostly only out to each other. Seth was pretty sure that most of his acquaintances assumed he was straight but sure some of them did have a clue. However he was never able to get over his fear of rejection and actually find out. So while he and Ryan were happy together they were together alone most of the time. So yeah he was mostly a very happy guy. That is up until he ran into Jason Grasso. He hadn’t even known that Jason was going to Berkley as they’d hadn’t seen each other all year. Jason was one of the water polo jerks from High School. He was one of the ones who took great joy in peeing in Seth’s shoes along with the verbal attacks.
It was a Thursday. Ryan’s lab day and Seth liked to spend the afternoon at the Student Union coffee shop hanging out, doing a little homework and people watch. He was at a table by himself near the windows so he could see outside as well as inside. Not really paying attention at the time he heard a voice behind him that he had hoped he would never hear again.
“Well if it isn’t Newports biggest fag…where’s you boyfriend these days”
It was if he was right back in High School. Those words made him feel like he used to when they would slam him up against the lockers and taunt him.
“Good to know college hasn’t changed you Jason buddy” is his only response as he grabs his stuff and hurries out of the coffee shop before anything else can happen. So much for getting out of Newport he thinks as he’s heading back to the dorm. The run in with Jason brings back all his insecurities from High School. He can’t come out of the closet. His parents will hate him. What few friends he has will desert him and he’ll spend the rest of his life being lonely and miserable.
Seth spent the rest of the afternoon spiraling down the same paths he’s always travelled when it comes to thinking about coming out. He’s just too afraid. While moping in their room the phone rings, its Summer telling him that Marissa finally succeeded in committing suicide. She’s a wreak and the loss of her best friend is devastating. She doesn’t think she can handle being in Newport alone and wants to come back to Berkeley to visit Seth after the funeral. With Summer coming to visit there’s no way she could deal with Seth sharing a room with Ryan. So somewhere between telling Ryan that Marissa is gone, that Summer is coming to visit and being freaked out about his encounter with Jason which he never did tell Ryan about, he also decides that he’s moving back into his room. Looking back now he’s realized that was probably the biggest mistake of his life. Things went downhill from there with regards to him and Ryan. Ryan pulled back and he let Summer take over. Before he knew it Summer was completely back in his life and Ryan had transferred to a different school. He’ still not sure how he let that happen but in the end he was married to Summer and his relationship with Ryan was non-existent.
Focusing back to Kirsten he realizes that she’s not going to let his response be the end of the conversation.
“So why did he transfer schools? You guys never did give us a very good reason. I use to think it was because you couldn’t handle the fact that Ryan was gay”
"No, No it was never that. I don’t care who Ryan sleeps with . . .” he starts and then stops, because yes he does care about who Ryan sleeps with, he’s just not going to admit that. Starting back up “Its not about Ryan being gay or not gay” he finishes up knowing that what he’s just said is kind of a lie, but not really since the problem is not that Ryan is gay but that Seth is.
During this last part Kirsten sees movement in the kitchen and remembers she promised Ryan she was going to bring him some tea. He must have gotten tired of waiting for her and came looking for himself. Seeing the light in the pool house he made his way over, moving slowly due to his injuries. He’s concentrating on moving slowly and doesn’t realize that Seth was on the floor by the bed until he’s reached the door. Once he realizes that he’s hearing Seths voice he stops dead in his tracks and just stares at him while he continues to speak to Kirsten.
“So….its about you being scared?”
“Scared? Scared of what?”
“Of being yourself?”
Huh?
“You’ve been hiding out here in the pool house off and on for months. Something is going on and you need to figure out how to deal with it. I don’t think there’s anything you could tell me that’s going to be all that big of a shock. You know that no matter what your dad and I will always love and support you.” Kirsten says.
Seth just stares at Kirsten in a state of semi-shock realizing that she has to know and that’s what this conversation is all about. Kirsten is waiting for him to say something, thinking its kind of funny in a way that she’s having the exact same conversation with Seth that she had with Ryan earlier in the day.
Finally “My life is a mess. I’ve made it a mess and I don’t know what to do.”
“You can start out by talking about it. Saying it out loud.”
Panicked, but thinking this is it. Based on everything his mom has said up to this point she already knows so if he doesn’t have the balls to say it now he’s never going to be able to do it.
“I’m gay and I should never have married Summer and now that she’s pregnant I really don’t know what to do. This is not her fault and its not fair to her. I can’t abandon her and the baby but …. “ he runs down
Kirsten lets that hang in the air for a few seconds and then “So…was that so hard to say”
“Yes, actually yes it is”
“You know we love you no matter what, Right?” Seth nods, and she continues “So lets just think about this a piece at a time. First of all Summer is not all that innocent in this situation and she and I have had a lot of talks over the last few months. She knew what she was getting into when she married you and this revelation is not news to her. Its not going to end either one of your lives or your relationship. Its just going to change the kind of relationship the two of you have.”
Several thoughts are hitting Seth all at the same time First of all he’s in shock that both his wife and his mother have been talking about his biggest fear and he has had no clue. What a moron he is. Then there is the fact that once again Seth is amazed at the ability his parents have at making things all right for him. He’s 25 years old and he still can’t believe how lucky he is to have been born to this family.
“Now, about Ryan” Kirsten continues
“You know about Ryan…how do you know about Ryan…what do you know about Ryan” he sputters.
“I think I kind of always knew about Ryan, or at least pretty much since about the time you ran off to Portland. The two of you always had something special going on and I assumed that you may have gotten together at some point. It was more of a shock to me that you were marrying Summer. I almost said something back then”
There’s so much going on in Seths head right now that he can’t think straight. His mom and Summer knows he’s gay. His mom knows about Ryan. His mom doesn’t care. His whole life picture is undergoing a radical earthquake and he’s realizing what an idiot he’s been all these years.
“I think I’ve always been in love with Ryan and was just too scared to admit it. I’ve never been happier than that year we were together at Berkeley. He makes my life complete. I know how minty that sounds but I never realized how true that statement could be until I’d lost him. I feel like I have such a huge hole in myself without him. I’m the one who screwed it all up, me and my insecurities. Things were going ok and then I ran into Jason Grasso the same day Marissa died and it went all downhill from there.
“Whats Jason got to do with anything?”
“He cornered me at the café and called me a fag which brought up all kinds of issues for me and then Summer called and Ryan was all freaked out about Marissa and instead of talking to him about it I just let things fall apart… I’m still not sure of why I did what I did, other than the fact that I’m an idiot, definitely a huge idiot”
“Why don’t you talk to him now then”
“Because he hates me and probably never wants to talk to me again after all that I’ve put him through”
“No, no he doesn’t” inserts Ryan
Seth is in complete shock at the sound of those words. He had no idea that Ryan was even in California, never mind in the pool house. Its been over 6 months since he’s seen or heard Ryan and he can’t believe they are in the same room. But then Ryan’s words hit him. Which statement was he responding to? So before turning around to look at Ryan he closes his eyes and says
“Doesn’t what? You don’t hate me or you don’t ever want to talk to me again?”
tbc
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A/N - Having trouble with the Seth/Ryan conversation so figured I’d put out what I had…. I hate it when I get involved in reading a story and it just ends but now that I’m trying to write one of my own I’m realizing how easy it can be to come to a point where you just aren’t sure how to continue…..