(no subject)
i swear the longer i go without writing the crazier i feel. i just need to set aside some sort of time every day. every hour. who the hell knows. i make up lists in my head throughout the day. some are basic to do lists that i memorize front & back, usually in alphabetical order. some are lists of things i need to concentrate on more. some are things i just need to forget. it never turns off, this is just a fact.
1. will someone please explain to me how to understand a boy while hes drunk? like am i supposed to disregard everything he says while intoxicated? weigh everything heavier than what he says sober? call bullshit on everything? i seriously though i had it under control, i mean i went to high school, right? everyone was always drunk. but i guess all of those friendships were so obligatory that we werent really drawn to each other like we are nowadays. like you actually have to want to get to know someone now. i dont know, my head is scattered and i am lacking sleep. i just want to know who im supposed to believe more, you, or you and a couple 40oz.
2. why do i even care? i mean the obvious answer is im way into him. but there is always that doubt that hes not into me. except for the fact that hes told me on numerous occasions. i just hate this fucking waiting. but what the fuck am i waiting for? what is my ultimate goal? i leave in august. and i hate myself for it, even though i know i am getting what i have wanted for five fucking years and its going to be amazing. it just sucks cause i like him so much. and when i was younger all i used to daydream about was someone who could tie me to this city. it just sucks that it had to come at the last minute.
3. i am so not into gray areas right now. i want a yes or a no. an on or an off. an in or an out. i cant handle small talk about shit that doesnt matter when my head is racing non fucking stop about everything were not saying. and yea, you say yr head never turns off either, but i wonder if you rly know what that means, or if its even on this scale. sometimes i like to imagine that yr veins are as electric as mine ans the static never pades from yr head. sometimes i smile thinking ive found someone who gets it so well. then i realize i am delusional and theres no way id ever be so lucky. this is how my head works. i wanna be able to feel like i deserve the good in my life, i really do, but itll take a while for me to come to that point. baby steps.
4. i just wanna know why i work the way i do, really.
5. the world record for longest time standing on one foot is 76 hours and 40 minutes. this is pretty irrelevant to everything ive said, but i was in the shower tonight, balancing on one foot so my tattoo didnt get too wet, and i wondered what the world record for balancing on one foot was. i figured it was probably only like 15 hours, seeing as i couldnt last more than six minutes. but 76 hours? thats kind of unbelievable. those are the kind of things i think about on a daily basis. i just want to know everything. but mostly the things that dont matter.
6. ive been listening to fucking "feeling this" by blink 182 on repeat for a while. i dont know why.
7. i swear in a couple days these stupid weird girly entries will stop. its not where i like my head. i like to be in control. i just need to get the keys back is all.
8. currently i am compiling a list of questions in my head that i will probably never ask, such as:what do you really want? when do you really tell the truth? how safe do you want to play it? where do you want this to go? what do i mean to you?
that last one scares me the most.
i shouldnt be thinking about things like this. i should be thinking about how i am about to embark on the most amazing chapter of my life ever. im going to finish watching this show on killer jellyfish and go to bed. i have a bunch of stuff ive been writing the past couple weeks that i never finished and actually serves a purpose, as opposed to ramblings of a girl who is far too into a boy. sometime.
1. will someone please explain to me how to understand a boy while hes drunk? like am i supposed to disregard everything he says while intoxicated? weigh everything heavier than what he says sober? call bullshit on everything? i seriously though i had it under control, i mean i went to high school, right? everyone was always drunk. but i guess all of those friendships were so obligatory that we werent really drawn to each other like we are nowadays. like you actually have to want to get to know someone now. i dont know, my head is scattered and i am lacking sleep. i just want to know who im supposed to believe more, you, or you and a couple 40oz.
2. why do i even care? i mean the obvious answer is im way into him. but there is always that doubt that hes not into me. except for the fact that hes told me on numerous occasions. i just hate this fucking waiting. but what the fuck am i waiting for? what is my ultimate goal? i leave in august. and i hate myself for it, even though i know i am getting what i have wanted for five fucking years and its going to be amazing. it just sucks cause i like him so much. and when i was younger all i used to daydream about was someone who could tie me to this city. it just sucks that it had to come at the last minute.
3. i am so not into gray areas right now. i want a yes or a no. an on or an off. an in or an out. i cant handle small talk about shit that doesnt matter when my head is racing non fucking stop about everything were not saying. and yea, you say yr head never turns off either, but i wonder if you rly know what that means, or if its even on this scale. sometimes i like to imagine that yr veins are as electric as mine ans the static never pades from yr head. sometimes i smile thinking ive found someone who gets it so well. then i realize i am delusional and theres no way id ever be so lucky. this is how my head works. i wanna be able to feel like i deserve the good in my life, i really do, but itll take a while for me to come to that point. baby steps.
4. i just wanna know why i work the way i do, really.
5. the world record for longest time standing on one foot is 76 hours and 40 minutes. this is pretty irrelevant to everything ive said, but i was in the shower tonight, balancing on one foot so my tattoo didnt get too wet, and i wondered what the world record for balancing on one foot was. i figured it was probably only like 15 hours, seeing as i couldnt last more than six minutes. but 76 hours? thats kind of unbelievable. those are the kind of things i think about on a daily basis. i just want to know everything. but mostly the things that dont matter.
6. ive been listening to fucking "feeling this" by blink 182 on repeat for a while. i dont know why.
7. i swear in a couple days these stupid weird girly entries will stop. its not where i like my head. i like to be in control. i just need to get the keys back is all.
8. currently i am compiling a list of questions in my head that i will probably never ask, such as:
that last one scares me the most.
i shouldnt be thinking about things like this. i should be thinking about how i am about to embark on the most amazing chapter of my life ever. im going to finish watching this show on killer jellyfish and go to bed. i have a bunch of stuff ive been writing the past couple weeks that i never finished and actually serves a purpose, as opposed to ramblings of a girl who is far too into a boy. sometime.