i wont quit
from fatherbingo in bipolar_nomeds:
I feel like any pressure will crack me. I don't want to do anything. All I'm getting is love and support, but I feel so unworthy. I feel like I'm simply milking this; I think I want to be hated. After what I did? After how I let the monster out? "Oh, you were just being sick. We'll help you get back in shape." No! Call me on my bullshit! Tell me to suck it up, to get back to work, that I'm a faker and a slacker! Someone tell me that how I acted was wrong! Someone tell me I'm some kind of monster! Someone please validate this hatred I harbor toward myself!
I want to be tortured. I want to be banished. I want something so unquestionably wrong bestowed upon me that I will have no choice but to rise up against or fail. And if I fail, I want to fall so deep that I won't care about getting out, it'll just be all of me. I don't want that reasonable voice anymore. One or the other! The unreasonable one was winning two weeks ago, why did you have to even be there? But you were still there, so I must not have been crazy enough.
This recent manic episode "wasn't me."
But it was.
And I hate myself for it being me.
And I hate that the people that matter are okay with it being me.
its very strange to look back on my former self and still feel it. to still know its there and will most likely never go away. but i am so thankful every single day that i am getting better.
its just--if you know, you know. if you dont, i doubt you ever will.
but im no longer going to believe that im the only one. theres no use in feeling so alone when i know for a fact, now, that im not.
I feel like any pressure will crack me. I don't want to do anything. All I'm getting is love and support, but I feel so unworthy. I feel like I'm simply milking this; I think I want to be hated. After what I did? After how I let the monster out? "Oh, you were just being sick. We'll help you get back in shape." No! Call me on my bullshit! Tell me to suck it up, to get back to work, that I'm a faker and a slacker! Someone tell me that how I acted was wrong! Someone tell me I'm some kind of monster! Someone please validate this hatred I harbor toward myself!
I want to be tortured. I want to be banished. I want something so unquestionably wrong bestowed upon me that I will have no choice but to rise up against or fail. And if I fail, I want to fall so deep that I won't care about getting out, it'll just be all of me. I don't want that reasonable voice anymore. One or the other! The unreasonable one was winning two weeks ago, why did you have to even be there? But you were still there, so I must not have been crazy enough.
This recent manic episode "wasn't me."
But it was.
And I hate myself for it being me.
And I hate that the people that matter are okay with it being me.
its very strange to look back on my former self and still feel it. to still know its there and will most likely never go away. but i am so thankful every single day that i am getting better.
its just--if you know, you know. if you dont, i doubt you ever will.
but im no longer going to believe that im the only one. theres no use in feeling so alone when i know for a fact, now, that im not.