Something.
Write something. Write... something.
It's been awhile since I've written. I kind of think that nobody reads LJ anymore. Actually, maybe I'm hoping that's the case. I dunno. Either way. I just need to get back into the habit of writing. Expressing. Identifying my feelings. Phil is what made me think of it. It's so amazing to watch him growing and changing. Supposedly I've played some part in that. I hope so. It's nice to think that I could make someone better rather than just leaving a trail of destruction. I feel that way sometimes, that perhaps I'm toxic.
Phil. I love him. I do. But I don't know how or why. I can't understand it, but I know that I love him deeply. Kinda scary, really. After all, we have almost no chance of making it. Here's the really awful part: I don't know if I would want to. Not want to. That's the wrong word. I WANT it to work, I just can't imagine it. I can't imagine him coming to lamaze classes with me. I don't see him picking the kids up from school, or going to our daughter's dance recital, or kissing them goodnight and then spending an hour of coveted alone time with me. I just don't see the softness. Sometimes he strikes me as vulnerable, but even in his vulnerability there is a danger. Like a wounded animal that is somehow even more dangerous and combative in it's weakened state. He has this INTENSITY. He loves me, I know. But he loves me ferociously, not gently. I feel sometimes that he would devour me if he could.
The thing is, I certainly need that intensity. The passion. I want to be overpowered. But I also need tenderness. Man this is sappy. But it's true. I know that I would go crazy in a "normal" relationship. Phillip and I share something so unique in my world. He knows the deep dark parts of me, and appreciates them. My dirty secrets don't scare him. They can be brought to light with him and I fear no judgment or repercussion. He needs me. But does he ever just want to protect me? To hold me and let me fall apart and cry? Or could I ever be that for him?? I want him to collapse into me. I want us each to be stronger together. I'm losing my mind now. It's too late and I'm too tired. But at least I'm writing.
Monogamy. 48 hours have gone by since we first discussed the idea of being monogamous. Since then I have fooled around with B. It's tearing me apart, keeping this from Phil, but would he really want to know? And after all, I didn't have sex with B, and that was all Phil and I had 100% agreed to. I need to talk to him about this. Ask for specification, clarification. While I don't want either of us going out and fucking random strangers if we are to be together, I also don't know how I feel about the idea of neither of us being open to meeting other people. I'm 22 and we live on opposite sides of the continent. Is it realistic to assume that we'll end up together? Doubtful. Oh but I want him so. I want him. I want. I. I. I. This doesn't seem fair to Phil. He could go to Europe. He could meet someone prettier and smarter and more successful. What do I have to offer? What will I ever have to offer? Can this ever be a 50/50 partnership?? He's 28 and a successful businessman and an adult. So smart. So so smart. And funny. And beautiful. What am I? A 22 year old college student already thousands of dollars in debt living off of Daddy with plans to be philanthropic and make very little money. It's been almost 2 years now. 2 YEARS!! And we neither of us planned for this to last. I was supposed to leave. It was supposed to end, But that morning... those damn doves got involved. And now it's over. I'm his and there is nothing else I want to be. If it means losing me and never having what I thought I wanted, at least I'll have Him.
It's late. This is dramatic and silly. And I love him. And it hurts. And I wrote something.
It's been awhile since I've written. I kind of think that nobody reads LJ anymore. Actually, maybe I'm hoping that's the case. I dunno. Either way. I just need to get back into the habit of writing. Expressing. Identifying my feelings. Phil is what made me think of it. It's so amazing to watch him growing and changing. Supposedly I've played some part in that. I hope so. It's nice to think that I could make someone better rather than just leaving a trail of destruction. I feel that way sometimes, that perhaps I'm toxic.
Phil. I love him. I do. But I don't know how or why. I can't understand it, but I know that I love him deeply. Kinda scary, really. After all, we have almost no chance of making it. Here's the really awful part: I don't know if I would want to. Not want to. That's the wrong word. I WANT it to work, I just can't imagine it. I can't imagine him coming to lamaze classes with me. I don't see him picking the kids up from school, or going to our daughter's dance recital, or kissing them goodnight and then spending an hour of coveted alone time with me. I just don't see the softness. Sometimes he strikes me as vulnerable, but even in his vulnerability there is a danger. Like a wounded animal that is somehow even more dangerous and combative in it's weakened state. He has this INTENSITY. He loves me, I know. But he loves me ferociously, not gently. I feel sometimes that he would devour me if he could.
The thing is, I certainly need that intensity. The passion. I want to be overpowered. But I also need tenderness. Man this is sappy. But it's true. I know that I would go crazy in a "normal" relationship. Phillip and I share something so unique in my world. He knows the deep dark parts of me, and appreciates them. My dirty secrets don't scare him. They can be brought to light with him and I fear no judgment or repercussion. He needs me. But does he ever just want to protect me? To hold me and let me fall apart and cry? Or could I ever be that for him?? I want him to collapse into me. I want us each to be stronger together. I'm losing my mind now. It's too late and I'm too tired. But at least I'm writing.
Monogamy. 48 hours have gone by since we first discussed the idea of being monogamous. Since then I have fooled around with B. It's tearing me apart, keeping this from Phil, but would he really want to know? And after all, I didn't have sex with B, and that was all Phil and I had 100% agreed to. I need to talk to him about this. Ask for specification, clarification. While I don't want either of us going out and fucking random strangers if we are to be together, I also don't know how I feel about the idea of neither of us being open to meeting other people. I'm 22 and we live on opposite sides of the continent. Is it realistic to assume that we'll end up together? Doubtful. Oh but I want him so. I want him. I want. I. I. I. This doesn't seem fair to Phil. He could go to Europe. He could meet someone prettier and smarter and more successful. What do I have to offer? What will I ever have to offer? Can this ever be a 50/50 partnership?? He's 28 and a successful businessman and an adult. So smart. So so smart. And funny. And beautiful. What am I? A 22 year old college student already thousands of dollars in debt living off of Daddy with plans to be philanthropic and make very little money. It's been almost 2 years now. 2 YEARS!! And we neither of us planned for this to last. I was supposed to leave. It was supposed to end, But that morning... those damn doves got involved. And now it's over. I'm his and there is nothing else I want to be. If it means losing me and never having what I thought I wanted, at least I'll have Him.
It's late. This is dramatic and silly. And I love him. And it hurts. And I wrote something.