(no subject)
I find it pretty pathetic of myself having to keep venting in this journal. This isnt a game, and your more then just hurting me, your hurting my trust in everyone. If you don't love me, then why is this hard on you? The more I think about it, the more confused I get. I don't want to put this behind me without knowing the truth. The truth means the world to me. I don't know why you stayed with me on new years day if you didnt love me. I don't know why you iniated sex that day if you didn't love me. I think you do love me, but your afraid of getting hurt so you want to end it now, before bigger complications come into our lives. You want the easy way out. I can understand that you feel like theres things your not going to be abled to do with me if we were together. Your freaking out about the world coming to an end when really you have so much time ahead of you. It's like you used me to build you up, and now that you have confidence, you dont need me. So what is it? I want to know so I can bury this damn body before the smell kills us all. I don't want to leave this with me hating you, I want to leave this with me understanding and learning. I don't want to make this mistake again if it's something I did. We both have had our problems, so why is it that right now all of a sudden, when abosolutly nothing seems wrong you end us? I have a feeling we both feel the same somehow right now. When your gone off to University, I'm probably going to be gone too. That's it , you wont ever see me again. I don't want to feel this knot in my stomach for the rest of my life because of an incident I never got over, let alone known what caused it. So why can't you just end this pain for both of us and tell me why it is that you grew this way. Why were you at the airport with my dad when I came back from Calgary if you didnt love me? Why did you throw yourself into a fit of throwing up and crying when you thought I was breaking up with you before ( which I wasn't ). Your exact words we're ," what if we never get back together?" You were spasming into a coughing fit and nearly losing your insides, but now your perfectly calm and rational about it. So what am I missing? How am I supposed to feel about all of this? I don't hate you, and I don't wish down upon you. I still care for you, I just think I don't care about you the same after all of this. Theres this bitter taste in my mouth and I think now I miss what we had, and I don't miss you. I miss being in love. So please, give me some answers, talk to me, its all I want. I need to get over this now just as bad as you, and Im not going without the truth.