One year ago.
The past few days have been rough. Emotionally, mentally, physically...I'm exhausted. My heart hurts, my mind is spinning, and my body aches. I really don't know if there's anything I can do to make things better...I guess this is one of those moments in life when you realize if the road you're on is the one you want to stay on. I hope to God he decides that this journey we're embarking on is worth it. I love him with all my heart...and to know he's in so much pain and that I only make it worse kills me. Is it possible to love someone too much?
On a different note...today has been rough for another reason that has nothing to do with him...but with Kenny. You see...it was almost exactly one year ago today that everything him and I had built together fell apart. He caught me totally off guard earlier today. And he called me. I think my heart actually caught in my chest when I saw it was him. And for once, it actually went pretty well. Rude comments weren't shared and for a second...we both caught a glimpse of what was there once upon a time. He just wanted to see how I was doing...if I was holding up okay being home after Florida. He apologized for the things he's done wrong in the recent past...and again for cheating on me a year ago. We talked about the past. The future. Everything. And I spilled my guts to him about the situation with Rayne...and ironically, he gave me some solid advice. He told me that what Rayne is going through is exactly what he went through when him and I ended and he was trying to move on. It was a weird feeling...getting relationship advice from the guy I was engaged to. But it gave me hope in some strange way. Kenny survived moving on...so maybe Rayne will. I don't know... And you know what's strange? I try to tell myself over and over again that I didn't love Kenny...because if I think that, then the pain over what he did to me doesn't hurt as badly. I don't focus on the fact that I wasn't enough for him. Or that I somehow did something to make him to cheat on me...But who am I kidding? I did love him. And he loved me. And it was real. Those months that him and I were together were freeing...comforting...relaxing. It was like someone wrapped a warm blanket around me and I was safe for awhile. Yes it wasn't perfect...but nothing in this life is.
And so I write this to Kenny. I know you read this. There are things I've wanted to say to you for a long time. Things I've wanted to let you know that I will never forget. You were a big part of my past. You taught me about love and what we had was so brilliant, so pure, so wonderful, that I will never forget it. And I'm glad we've agreed to be friends again. A year has gone by..and it's time we let each other get close once more. So...let's take a walk down memory lane. Be prepared for some laughter. Some tears. How strange is it that the anniversary of the day you broke my heart is the time when I become all nostalgic. Here goes nothing...
I've found that life goes on without you...
But I remember.
I remember the first time I saw you.
Blonde hair. Ice blue eys. Lanky and tall.
You took my breath away.
Your smile melted my heart.
Instantly, you made me want what I didn't think was obtainable.
You.
I remember the first time we talked.
The way you just had an air of confidence I found so appealing.
How, when you looked at me, I felt like the only girl in the room.
How the shyness melted away and chemistry burned between us.
And how we sat there, caught up in the rush of meeting someone new.
Time stood still for us that night.
Six hours. In that place. In that room.
It was only me and you.
I remember your face when you looked at the clock and saw how late it was.
The pure agony that washed over it when you realized you had to leave me.
And the sparkle that danced in those eyes when you coyly asked for my number.
And how we swapped phones to exchange numbers simultaneously.
I remember the feel of the smile that flashed across my face when you promised you'd call me.
And I remember walking away with hope that I would hear from you in a few days.
But it only took thirty minutes.
I remember hearing my phone ring and seeing it was you.
And how you said, "Hello, stranger."
And I laughed.
I remember sitting in my chair and losing myself again in conversation with you.
Getting ready for bed and realizing that I still wasn't bored.
Topic after topic sailed through the phone lines from our lips.
Brutal honesty prevailed.
I remember talking about our pasts, favorites, wants, needs and all the ridiculous stuff we found we had in common.
I remember being so open with you and knowing you were doing the same.
Just wanting you to know that "Hey, this is me. Yes, I'm screwed up. Take it or leave it."
And five hours later...we finally said goodbye.
I remember feeling so strongly for you.
And how I laughed again when I realized we had just talked for eleven hours.
I remember the promise to meet in the morning for breakfast.
And the way you wrapped your arms around me when you saw me.
The way your hair had that "I-just-crawled-out-of-bed" look.
How the conversation just flowed like water between the two of us still.
The warmth of your hand when it brushed against mine.
The intensity of the gaze in your eyes when you looked at me.
I remember knowing what you were thinking.
And it excited me.
But still...we waited.
I remember the next four days filled entirely with you.
And how the shiver went up my spine when you said my name or brushed against me.
Or when you told me that you told your best friend Josh that you were going to marry me.
You hadn't even asked me out.
But you did.
In your own Kenny way.
I remember being nervous because it was the first time you had seen my dorm room.
And how you were looking at the stuff on my walls.
My pictures. Posters. Books.
The things that prove how big of a loser I am.
And I remember how you were standing by the window with me, looking outside at the stars.
And you reached in to touch my cheek.
And you kissed me.
So softly, so gently.
And I remember how you whispered that if I agreed to be your girlfriend, you'd kiss me again.
And I did.
And you did.
Time disappeared once again for you and me.
I remember the first time you met my family.
And the way you and my Dad clicked right away because of your similar love of sports.
And how my Mom thought you were the greatest thing since sliced bread and couldn't stop saying how handsome you were.
And how Amanda and Kayla were so jealous of me for finding you.
And how we all watched Mystic River that night after we came home from going out to eat.
I remember thinking how great you fit in with my family.
And how proud I was of you.
I remember when Grandma was put in the hopsital while I was at home one weekend without you.
And I didn't even have to tell you on the phone what was wrong.
And how you were there in a heartbeat at the hospital with us.
And the strength in your arms when I crawled into your lap crying.
And how you tried your best to comfort me and soothe my tears.
I remember your arms around my waist when I said goodbye to her.
And the way you kissed away my tears.
And the horrible two hours as we waited for her to die after they shut the oxygen off.
I remember the moment when I looked across the waiting room and saw you playing with my little cousin Caleb.
And how I watched you make him laugh and giggle.
And how it made me smile.
And I remember knowing in that moment, admist all that heartache and pain, that I had fallen in love.
I remember the instant I realized that you had captured my heart completely.
I remember knowing that I could get through her funeral because you were there.
And how you were the one my eyes were locked on when I had to speak at the service.
And how yours was the hand I held when we said our final goodbyes.
And how you hugged my Dad when he was mourning his mom.
I remember watching tons of movies with you.
My favorite was The Notebook on Valentine's Day.
And how you got teary eyed, but tried to be all tough still.
And how we both realized we had an obsession for stupid, riciulous movies like Anchorman and Dodgeball.
And the time we found out we both had V-Tech phones and a crazy love for Easy Mac.
I remember taking care of you when you were sick.
And how I got you to take Vicks 44 and Nyquil, even though you hated the stuff.
And how I made you chicken noodle soup with stars.
And fed you crackers and you bit my finger.
And how, when it was my turn to be sick, you took care of me.
You didn't leave my side until I was better.
I remember our one month anniversary.
And how you kept squeezing that Care Bear and raving about the mixed tape.
And how you said no one had ever done something that special for you before.
And how you surprised me by attempting (yet failing) to cook me dinner.
And how you made up for it with kisses.
I remember falling asleep in your arms.
And how the only thing better than that was waking up in them.
And how you were too tall for my bed at college.
And shower, coffee, and robe time.
I remember how you could always get me to skip class and climb back in bed with you.
And the warmth of your body tangled with mine.
And the feel of your kisses on my body.
And the desire we both felt but managed to hold ourselves back from.
I remember the way you vented to me about your frustrations with school, your job, your friends, your life.
And how you listened when I did the same.
And how you were the one who could comfort me whenever something went wrong.
And how I was the one you could turn to for advice or help.
I remember our first fight.
And how silly it seems now that I look back on it.
And how we made up only an hour later.
I remember talking about our future family.
And the vivid dream I had about them that left me crying.
And how we argued about who was going to make our kids lunch.
And how you were going to make them triple decker PBJs.
And how we were going to go play putt-putt with the kids.
And how I laughed forever when we talked about the tutu.
I remember how you were going to kidnap "Zoooey."
And how you asked if I had a cage to carry her away in.
And how you promised Kayla and her team you were going to beat them single handledly in basketball.
And how I always schooled you in tennis.
And when you showed me the engagement ring.
And how you wanted to torture our future children by putting bread between their toes and owning a bunch of ducks.
And how my mom said that sounded like a good idea.
I remember how I was your small town Iowa girl.
And you were my big city Texas boy.
And how you'd laugh when I didn't know what you were talking about.
And how you'd always use sarcasm to confuse the heck out of me.
And how you'd use silly phrases like "Curbcheck your face" and "Whatnot" or "I'm gonna kick yo ass."
And how we were dorks and you were muffin and I was cupcake.
I remember the first time I said "I love you" and the first time you said it back.
I remember exactly where we were and the look in your eyes.
I remember our plans for the summer, the future, our lives.
I remember talking of our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our passions, our failures...
I remember the sound of your voice, the touch of your hand, the light in your eyes.
I remember the night my heart fell for you.
And I remember the morning that I lost you.
And I remember knowing, like I do now, that nothing will ever be the same.
Kenny...no matter where this road takes us in this life...I want you to know that I've been changed forever because I knew you. What we shared, what we had together, I do not regret. You helped prepare me for what was to come...and I know I did the same for you. No, this is not me saying that I want you back, because there's no way we could ever go back to what once was. I'm a different person now and so are you. And in all honestly, I don't want that anymore. I found something better. Something stronger. Something more than you ever gave me with Rayne. This is me saying that I cherish our past...I cherish the moments we were together. Thank you for everyone of them...and I have forgiven you for everything that went wrong. I know I share some blame, too. But maybe we can build a friendship again. You know we were great friends. I hope we will be once again.
And just for the record...after writing all that...
I really miss Rayne. I just want to tell him how much I love him...how I'm grateful for everything I've learned in the past...and how I will fight for him and never let him go. But I'm not going to break my promise and try to get in touch with him. He'll come to me when he wants to. But Rayne...if you do read this...I love you.
On a different note...today has been rough for another reason that has nothing to do with him...but with Kenny. You see...it was almost exactly one year ago today that everything him and I had built together fell apart. He caught me totally off guard earlier today. And he called me. I think my heart actually caught in my chest when I saw it was him. And for once, it actually went pretty well. Rude comments weren't shared and for a second...we both caught a glimpse of what was there once upon a time. He just wanted to see how I was doing...if I was holding up okay being home after Florida. He apologized for the things he's done wrong in the recent past...and again for cheating on me a year ago. We talked about the past. The future. Everything. And I spilled my guts to him about the situation with Rayne...and ironically, he gave me some solid advice. He told me that what Rayne is going through is exactly what he went through when him and I ended and he was trying to move on. It was a weird feeling...getting relationship advice from the guy I was engaged to. But it gave me hope in some strange way. Kenny survived moving on...so maybe Rayne will. I don't know... And you know what's strange? I try to tell myself over and over again that I didn't love Kenny...because if I think that, then the pain over what he did to me doesn't hurt as badly. I don't focus on the fact that I wasn't enough for him. Or that I somehow did something to make him to cheat on me...But who am I kidding? I did love him. And he loved me. And it was real. Those months that him and I were together were freeing...comforting...relaxing. It was like someone wrapped a warm blanket around me and I was safe for awhile. Yes it wasn't perfect...but nothing in this life is.
And so I write this to Kenny. I know you read this. There are things I've wanted to say to you for a long time. Things I've wanted to let you know that I will never forget. You were a big part of my past. You taught me about love and what we had was so brilliant, so pure, so wonderful, that I will never forget it. And I'm glad we've agreed to be friends again. A year has gone by..and it's time we let each other get close once more. So...let's take a walk down memory lane. Be prepared for some laughter. Some tears. How strange is it that the anniversary of the day you broke my heart is the time when I become all nostalgic. Here goes nothing...
I've found that life goes on without you...
But I remember.
I remember the first time I saw you.
Blonde hair. Ice blue eys. Lanky and tall.
You took my breath away.
Your smile melted my heart.
Instantly, you made me want what I didn't think was obtainable.
You.
I remember the first time we talked.
The way you just had an air of confidence I found so appealing.
How, when you looked at me, I felt like the only girl in the room.
How the shyness melted away and chemistry burned between us.
And how we sat there, caught up in the rush of meeting someone new.
Time stood still for us that night.
Six hours. In that place. In that room.
It was only me and you.
I remember your face when you looked at the clock and saw how late it was.
The pure agony that washed over it when you realized you had to leave me.
And the sparkle that danced in those eyes when you coyly asked for my number.
And how we swapped phones to exchange numbers simultaneously.
I remember the feel of the smile that flashed across my face when you promised you'd call me.
And I remember walking away with hope that I would hear from you in a few days.
But it only took thirty minutes.
I remember hearing my phone ring and seeing it was you.
And how you said, "Hello, stranger."
And I laughed.
I remember sitting in my chair and losing myself again in conversation with you.
Getting ready for bed and realizing that I still wasn't bored.
Topic after topic sailed through the phone lines from our lips.
Brutal honesty prevailed.
I remember talking about our pasts, favorites, wants, needs and all the ridiculous stuff we found we had in common.
I remember being so open with you and knowing you were doing the same.
Just wanting you to know that "Hey, this is me. Yes, I'm screwed up. Take it or leave it."
And five hours later...we finally said goodbye.
I remember feeling so strongly for you.
And how I laughed again when I realized we had just talked for eleven hours.
I remember the promise to meet in the morning for breakfast.
And the way you wrapped your arms around me when you saw me.
The way your hair had that "I-just-crawled-out-of-bed" look.
How the conversation just flowed like water between the two of us still.
The warmth of your hand when it brushed against mine.
The intensity of the gaze in your eyes when you looked at me.
I remember knowing what you were thinking.
And it excited me.
But still...we waited.
I remember the next four days filled entirely with you.
And how the shiver went up my spine when you said my name or brushed against me.
Or when you told me that you told your best friend Josh that you were going to marry me.
You hadn't even asked me out.
But you did.
In your own Kenny way.
I remember being nervous because it was the first time you had seen my dorm room.
And how you were looking at the stuff on my walls.
My pictures. Posters. Books.
The things that prove how big of a loser I am.
And I remember how you were standing by the window with me, looking outside at the stars.
And you reached in to touch my cheek.
And you kissed me.
So softly, so gently.
And I remember how you whispered that if I agreed to be your girlfriend, you'd kiss me again.
And I did.
And you did.
Time disappeared once again for you and me.
I remember the first time you met my family.
And the way you and my Dad clicked right away because of your similar love of sports.
And how my Mom thought you were the greatest thing since sliced bread and couldn't stop saying how handsome you were.
And how Amanda and Kayla were so jealous of me for finding you.
And how we all watched Mystic River that night after we came home from going out to eat.
I remember thinking how great you fit in with my family.
And how proud I was of you.
I remember when Grandma was put in the hopsital while I was at home one weekend without you.
And I didn't even have to tell you on the phone what was wrong.
And how you were there in a heartbeat at the hospital with us.
And the strength in your arms when I crawled into your lap crying.
And how you tried your best to comfort me and soothe my tears.
I remember your arms around my waist when I said goodbye to her.
And the way you kissed away my tears.
And the horrible two hours as we waited for her to die after they shut the oxygen off.
I remember the moment when I looked across the waiting room and saw you playing with my little cousin Caleb.
And how I watched you make him laugh and giggle.
And how it made me smile.
And I remember knowing in that moment, admist all that heartache and pain, that I had fallen in love.
I remember the instant I realized that you had captured my heart completely.
I remember knowing that I could get through her funeral because you were there.
And how you were the one my eyes were locked on when I had to speak at the service.
And how yours was the hand I held when we said our final goodbyes.
And how you hugged my Dad when he was mourning his mom.
I remember watching tons of movies with you.
My favorite was The Notebook on Valentine's Day.
And how you got teary eyed, but tried to be all tough still.
And how we both realized we had an obsession for stupid, riciulous movies like Anchorman and Dodgeball.
And the time we found out we both had V-Tech phones and a crazy love for Easy Mac.
I remember taking care of you when you were sick.
And how I got you to take Vicks 44 and Nyquil, even though you hated the stuff.
And how I made you chicken noodle soup with stars.
And fed you crackers and you bit my finger.
And how, when it was my turn to be sick, you took care of me.
You didn't leave my side until I was better.
I remember our one month anniversary.
And how you kept squeezing that Care Bear and raving about the mixed tape.
And how you said no one had ever done something that special for you before.
And how you surprised me by attempting (yet failing) to cook me dinner.
And how you made up for it with kisses.
I remember falling asleep in your arms.
And how the only thing better than that was waking up in them.
And how you were too tall for my bed at college.
And shower, coffee, and robe time.
I remember how you could always get me to skip class and climb back in bed with you.
And the warmth of your body tangled with mine.
And the feel of your kisses on my body.
And the desire we both felt but managed to hold ourselves back from.
I remember the way you vented to me about your frustrations with school, your job, your friends, your life.
And how you listened when I did the same.
And how you were the one who could comfort me whenever something went wrong.
And how I was the one you could turn to for advice or help.
I remember our first fight.
And how silly it seems now that I look back on it.
And how we made up only an hour later.
I remember talking about our future family.
And the vivid dream I had about them that left me crying.
And how we argued about who was going to make our kids lunch.
And how you were going to make them triple decker PBJs.
And how we were going to go play putt-putt with the kids.
And how I laughed forever when we talked about the tutu.
I remember how you were going to kidnap "Zoooey."
And how you asked if I had a cage to carry her away in.
And how you promised Kayla and her team you were going to beat them single handledly in basketball.
And how I always schooled you in tennis.
And when you showed me the engagement ring.
And how you wanted to torture our future children by putting bread between their toes and owning a bunch of ducks.
And how my mom said that sounded like a good idea.
I remember how I was your small town Iowa girl.
And you were my big city Texas boy.
And how you'd laugh when I didn't know what you were talking about.
And how you'd always use sarcasm to confuse the heck out of me.
And how you'd use silly phrases like "Curbcheck your face" and "Whatnot" or "I'm gonna kick yo ass."
And how we were dorks and you were muffin and I was cupcake.
I remember the first time I said "I love you" and the first time you said it back.
I remember exactly where we were and the look in your eyes.
I remember our plans for the summer, the future, our lives.
I remember talking of our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our passions, our failures...
I remember the sound of your voice, the touch of your hand, the light in your eyes.
I remember the night my heart fell for you.
And I remember the morning that I lost you.
And I remember knowing, like I do now, that nothing will ever be the same.
Kenny...no matter where this road takes us in this life...I want you to know that I've been changed forever because I knew you. What we shared, what we had together, I do not regret. You helped prepare me for what was to come...and I know I did the same for you. No, this is not me saying that I want you back, because there's no way we could ever go back to what once was. I'm a different person now and so are you. And in all honestly, I don't want that anymore. I found something better. Something stronger. Something more than you ever gave me with Rayne. This is me saying that I cherish our past...I cherish the moments we were together. Thank you for everyone of them...and I have forgiven you for everything that went wrong. I know I share some blame, too. But maybe we can build a friendship again. You know we were great friends. I hope we will be once again.
And just for the record...after writing all that...
I really miss Rayne. I just want to tell him how much I love him...how I'm grateful for everything I've learned in the past...and how I will fight for him and never let him go. But I'm not going to break my promise and try to get in touch with him. He'll come to me when he wants to. But Rayne...if you do read this...I love you.