my heart break
sometimes i can relate to people of times long ago. before modern chaos. when the rich and boring ruled and the poor were shunned. when women were to dress a certain way. act a certain way. and if they did not abide by society's strict rules they were either out cast or looked upon as peculiar. women who rode horses, decided to think for themselves, and live in their own descions.
i was born into a wealthy family. not very wealthy. but in no way poor. my cousins and school mates of my financial status always combed their hair, wore the pretty prep clothes and never swore , had poor grades, or judged authority in anyway. even as a very young girl i have asked why. why? why did my teachers write home that i was hanging out with the "bad" , black children and not the nice white girls? why did i want to stick up for the poor ugly boy in class who never had money for lunch? why did i do so poorly and never finish my assignments like the other children? why did i draw a gruesome drawing on my yearbook instead of flowers? why did i get into fights and talk about sex and swearing? why? i dont know why but i did.
as i grew up my mother begged to take me shopping and buy me all the clothes from abercrombie and the gap. why was i so ackward? i had all the tools to fit in and look proper but i turned my back on every one. why did i not have any friends at school? why?
i guess i always glamorized the freaks and outcasts because deep down i knew i was one. i knew i was not like the others. i tried a few times. i did my make up nicely and wore a pretty dress to a polo match and talked to the popular girls from school. it was to late. they all despised me and talked harshly about me. i was strange.
i still am a weird girl. i am an ugly girl . in every way. to everyone else but myself.
i do not think i am special in any way. but i have always known i was different. i believe in myself , deep down i do.
i crave to meet another rebellious spirit to join my days with. sometimes i cry because it gets very lonely. especially when my heart goes to a boy that i know i may never have. a boy that has the same strange rebellion, intelligence and strength. but swallowed in a world i may never be accepted into. sometimes this heart break consumes me.
To be reasonable to the resources that have been offered to me, to make my life accepted.... this i cannot seem to master.
i have these people of normal lives and beautiful faces that want and accept me. maybe my attraction is thinking they must be freaks to appreciate a free spirit like me.
i know i am destined to not have the life i choose to live.
such sorrow. so much beauty in the ugly. why wont anyone look with me? such loneliness in pretty things. i am alone.
i was born into a wealthy family. not very wealthy. but in no way poor. my cousins and school mates of my financial status always combed their hair, wore the pretty prep clothes and never swore , had poor grades, or judged authority in anyway. even as a very young girl i have asked why. why? why did my teachers write home that i was hanging out with the "bad" , black children and not the nice white girls? why did i want to stick up for the poor ugly boy in class who never had money for lunch? why did i do so poorly and never finish my assignments like the other children? why did i draw a gruesome drawing on my yearbook instead of flowers? why did i get into fights and talk about sex and swearing? why? i dont know why but i did.
as i grew up my mother begged to take me shopping and buy me all the clothes from abercrombie and the gap. why was i so ackward? i had all the tools to fit in and look proper but i turned my back on every one. why did i not have any friends at school? why?
i guess i always glamorized the freaks and outcasts because deep down i knew i was one. i knew i was not like the others. i tried a few times. i did my make up nicely and wore a pretty dress to a polo match and talked to the popular girls from school. it was to late. they all despised me and talked harshly about me. i was strange.
i still am a weird girl. i am an ugly girl . in every way. to everyone else but myself.
i do not think i am special in any way. but i have always known i was different. i believe in myself , deep down i do.
i crave to meet another rebellious spirit to join my days with. sometimes i cry because it gets very lonely. especially when my heart goes to a boy that i know i may never have. a boy that has the same strange rebellion, intelligence and strength. but swallowed in a world i may never be accepted into. sometimes this heart break consumes me.
To be reasonable to the resources that have been offered to me, to make my life accepted.... this i cannot seem to master.
i have these people of normal lives and beautiful faces that want and accept me. maybe my attraction is thinking they must be freaks to appreciate a free spirit like me.
i know i am destined to not have the life i choose to live.
such sorrow. so much beauty in the ugly. why wont anyone look with me? such loneliness in pretty things. i am alone.