I'm so hot
First..I would like to say that CR Tan is a bit ridiculous at times. I had to wait a half hour to tan. Then when I got into the bed, it was so hot that my calves feel like they were burned..not sun tan burn..burn burn. I am so fricken hot and sweaty.
Ok. Well. I did it again. We aren't together, but we're still going to prom. I totally appreciate that he still wants to go with me. I didn't think he would, but he's not being a dick about it and is being a really great guy. So yeah. We all knew that I was going to do it eventually. I just didn't think it would be this soon. Yesterday we got into this stupid and completely ridiculous argument. That was kind of the last straw for me. I just told him that we had to be over. We argued and screamed and cried and yelled a lot after that. It wasn't a pretty site.
My dad just called and I had to tell him about this weekend and Matty and how much fun we had. I couldn't tell him about what happened because he would have been gay so now I'm upset. My mom just pissed me off too. Like wtf.
So anyway. I told Matty that I did not think we were good together as a couple. That we just don't mesh. I still have feelings for him and I really care about him. That's what makes this so hard. I know we aren't right together, but I want to be with him. I don't know. Maybe I just need someone in general. But he wasn't the guy. I don't think I was the right girl for him either. I'm really lonely. I saw him today to talk about prom and stuff. We picked out my flowers and talked about things. When I'm with him I'm so comfortable and everything seems ok. I like when he holds me and hugs me. But we fight over stupid things, he's overprotective and gets quite jealous. I question my decision because it hurts not to be with him. I really want to be though. We both agreed to be friends for awhile. He doesn't want to get hurt again, either. I don't blame him. This is the second time I did this to him. When we were talking and stuff today, it didn't feel all that awkward so I don't think prom is going to be a huge problem. I did tell him that he is my date and I will be paying my full attention to him and not any other guy. I think he appreciated that. The other thing that we talked about was me. About the fact that I'm probably not in the position to be in a relationship because I'm still in the process of accepting and "finding" myself. I don't deny or doubt that. I'm just so damn lonely. I don't think that's all because of him. I'm just more aware of it because I don't have anyone close to me anymore. I don't know why I feel like this..I don't like it. I think he understands the real reason behind all of this. He certainly doesn't like not being with me..but it has to be done.
My mom isn't helping either. Monday she finally admitted something was wrong with her. We were talking and she doesn't have the feeling that it's something serious. But you never know and that scares me. I can't lose her. She's my mom. She's everything to me. But she doesn't make things easy on me. She has issues and doesn't like it when people take care of her, but she's going to try. Now I have to assume the role of mother..in a way. It just gives me a lot more responsibilities that I don't need. It also makes me worry a lot more. She's probably not going back to work for awhile. We're going to have to sell the durango for money. Just now she was sitting on the porch waiting for Mark to come home from Finn's obiendience class. She was almost asleep so I asked her to go lie down. She wouldn't. Like what am I supposed to do? She won't listen to me and I want her to be better. I want her to take care of herself or listen to those trying to take care of her.
My heart hurts so much right now. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok and not to worry. The only thing is..I don't have anyone to do that and I know everything might not be ok. The really shitty thing is, I have to go to my dad's in a little over a week. Who's going to watch my mom? Who am I going to turn to when he gets to me? Why does everything have to be so hard?
Ok. Well. I did it again. We aren't together, but we're still going to prom. I totally appreciate that he still wants to go with me. I didn't think he would, but he's not being a dick about it and is being a really great guy. So yeah. We all knew that I was going to do it eventually. I just didn't think it would be this soon. Yesterday we got into this stupid and completely ridiculous argument. That was kind of the last straw for me. I just told him that we had to be over. We argued and screamed and cried and yelled a lot after that. It wasn't a pretty site.
My dad just called and I had to tell him about this weekend and Matty and how much fun we had. I couldn't tell him about what happened because he would have been gay so now I'm upset. My mom just pissed me off too. Like wtf.
So anyway. I told Matty that I did not think we were good together as a couple. That we just don't mesh. I still have feelings for him and I really care about him. That's what makes this so hard. I know we aren't right together, but I want to be with him. I don't know. Maybe I just need someone in general. But he wasn't the guy. I don't think I was the right girl for him either. I'm really lonely. I saw him today to talk about prom and stuff. We picked out my flowers and talked about things. When I'm with him I'm so comfortable and everything seems ok. I like when he holds me and hugs me. But we fight over stupid things, he's overprotective and gets quite jealous. I question my decision because it hurts not to be with him. I really want to be though. We both agreed to be friends for awhile. He doesn't want to get hurt again, either. I don't blame him. This is the second time I did this to him. When we were talking and stuff today, it didn't feel all that awkward so I don't think prom is going to be a huge problem. I did tell him that he is my date and I will be paying my full attention to him and not any other guy. I think he appreciated that. The other thing that we talked about was me. About the fact that I'm probably not in the position to be in a relationship because I'm still in the process of accepting and "finding" myself. I don't deny or doubt that. I'm just so damn lonely. I don't think that's all because of him. I'm just more aware of it because I don't have anyone close to me anymore. I don't know why I feel like this..I don't like it. I think he understands the real reason behind all of this. He certainly doesn't like not being with me..but it has to be done.
My mom isn't helping either. Monday she finally admitted something was wrong with her. We were talking and she doesn't have the feeling that it's something serious. But you never know and that scares me. I can't lose her. She's my mom. She's everything to me. But she doesn't make things easy on me. She has issues and doesn't like it when people take care of her, but she's going to try. Now I have to assume the role of mother..in a way. It just gives me a lot more responsibilities that I don't need. It also makes me worry a lot more. She's probably not going back to work for awhile. We're going to have to sell the durango for money. Just now she was sitting on the porch waiting for Mark to come home from Finn's obiendience class. She was almost asleep so I asked her to go lie down. She wouldn't. Like what am I supposed to do? She won't listen to me and I want her to be better. I want her to take care of herself or listen to those trying to take care of her.
My heart hurts so much right now. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok and not to worry. The only thing is..I don't have anyone to do that and I know everything might not be ok. The really shitty thing is, I have to go to my dad's in a little over a week. Who's going to watch my mom? Who am I going to turn to when he gets to me? Why does everything have to be so hard?