its been a long time...
so its been forever since i have actually written something meaningful in this thing...i dont even know where to begin...
so the past couple of months have been crazy as hell...by far some of the best and worst times of my life...sure the partying was fun...the sex, the drugs, the drinking, late nights, the destruction, no sleep for days, loud music, the cops, the knives, the hospital, the friends...
but that has also been part of the problem...
the past 4-5 days i have been sober...and looking back...yea it was one big crazy party...filled with fun and excitement...but it has also taken its toll on me...i have learned alot over the past couple of months...i have learned who my real friends are...i have learned what i can and cant do...i have learned what i need to do...i have learned what i no longer want to do....
i dont regret a thing i did...it was all a learning experience...and im sorry if i hurt anyone in the process...but im only human...we all make mistakes...
the past 4 days i have realized that i no longer want to live my life like i have been...i no longer want to rely on drugs and alcohol to get through the day...i want to do it on my own...from here on out there is going to be a new jayson...a jayson that i no longer know... but i want to be again...the jayson that cares...the jayson that has feelings...
i just want to live...and i want to do it sober...yea i might drink every once in a while...but drugs are definitely out...i dont care what anyone says/does/thinks about it....im done with them...all they have ended up doing is hurting me and the people that i care about most...
ashlie i am sry that we havent hung out the past couple of days...i really do miss you...and i am happy to see that even though we are apart..we are making the same changes...and trying to get our lives straight...hopefully see you tommorrow?!?!?! i love you
friday night...definitely a great night...went to see the excorcism of emily rose...great movie by the way...with an amazing girl...mary...baywalk parking garage rooftop...where we began this new relationship...i dont care what anyone has to say about her...she is an amazing girl...and she makes me happy...and that is what matters most in life...i can have fun with her doing the simplest things...*10-07-05*...
so out of no where i decided to go to church today...and somehow i managed to get up with only like 2 hours of sleep...and for some reason i wasnt tired at all...it was a good feeling to go back and see so many familiar faces...i have never once in my life gone to church by choice...but for some reason i feel i need it in my life right now...i plan on going back next sunday...maybe i will try different churches later..find the right one for me...but for now...this one will do...
i know this entry was long...and i know half of my "friends" wont even bother to read it...but i am truly trying to get my life straight...tommorrow spc...i need to do something with my life...why not go to college...
well im gonna go to bed...because im exhausted and withdrawn...
hopefully tommorrow is filled with mary and ashlie...two of the best girls ever...
so the past couple of months have been crazy as hell...by far some of the best and worst times of my life...sure the partying was fun...the sex, the drugs, the drinking, late nights, the destruction, no sleep for days, loud music, the cops, the knives, the hospital, the friends...
but that has also been part of the problem...
the past 4-5 days i have been sober...and looking back...yea it was one big crazy party...filled with fun and excitement...but it has also taken its toll on me...i have learned alot over the past couple of months...i have learned who my real friends are...i have learned what i can and cant do...i have learned what i need to do...i have learned what i no longer want to do....
i dont regret a thing i did...it was all a learning experience...and im sorry if i hurt anyone in the process...but im only human...we all make mistakes...
the past 4 days i have realized that i no longer want to live my life like i have been...i no longer want to rely on drugs and alcohol to get through the day...i want to do it on my own...from here on out there is going to be a new jayson...a jayson that i no longer know... but i want to be again...the jayson that cares...the jayson that has feelings...
i just want to live...and i want to do it sober...yea i might drink every once in a while...but drugs are definitely out...i dont care what anyone says/does/thinks about it....im done with them...all they have ended up doing is hurting me and the people that i care about most...
ashlie i am sry that we havent hung out the past couple of days...i really do miss you...and i am happy to see that even though we are apart..we are making the same changes...and trying to get our lives straight...hopefully see you tommorrow?!?!?! i love you
friday night...definitely a great night...went to see the excorcism of emily rose...great movie by the way...with an amazing girl...mary...baywalk parking garage rooftop...where we began this new relationship...i dont care what anyone has to say about her...she is an amazing girl...and she makes me happy...and that is what matters most in life...i can have fun with her doing the simplest things...*10-07-05*...
so out of no where i decided to go to church today...and somehow i managed to get up with only like 2 hours of sleep...and for some reason i wasnt tired at all...it was a good feeling to go back and see so many familiar faces...i have never once in my life gone to church by choice...but for some reason i feel i need it in my life right now...i plan on going back next sunday...maybe i will try different churches later..find the right one for me...but for now...this one will do...
i know this entry was long...and i know half of my "friends" wont even bother to read it...but i am truly trying to get my life straight...tommorrow spc...i need to do something with my life...why not go to college...
well im gonna go to bed...because im exhausted and withdrawn...
hopefully tommorrow is filled with mary and ashlie...two of the best girls ever...