Little turdy birdie feet...
You know, I probably should be hard at work - not that I couldn't finish all my paperwork in less than an hour anyway. That's not the point. I should be working hard, and the days that require me to do so have, so far, been few and far between. If it were me here by myself every day, I know that I could handle this job, no problem. That's not ipugning Guryne's work, because she's fabulous at her job. Luckily it's not going to be too much longer until Cassie goes on maternity leave (her baby belly is so cute!), and then I'll have more of a workload and begin to feel like I'm really pulling my weight around here. It's sort of like I'm a temp catching up on drips of work.
So as a result, I take a lot of time on my files. However, I know that I can do a whole new file within 15-20 minutes. It's NOT difficult work. I just wish I could be better utilized, I guess. Not that I want to do something I find boring, I just want more of my own work to do.
I saw Freedom Writers on Tuesday. It was fabulous. It really got me thinking about how unimportant all these past grudges I've been holding really are.
And of course, when I get all insightful, I feel the need to make unnecessarily long journal entries.
Becky:
A lot of my past damage has to do with her. I've been thinking about everything that's happened within the past couple of years... From the letter I wrote to her, to the fact that I had to make the first contact to reconcile, to her making half-assed attempts to make herself feel better about her life. I completely understand, now, that she had to give me up after I was born. That doesn't bother me any more. Now the only part that's bothered me was seeing her with my brothers and knowing how good of a mother she could be when she wanted to be; and that she never seemed to want to make that attempt with me. What was it about me? Why didn't she love me, too? She and I got together not long after Evan and I moved out and she told me how she had a bad relationship with her dad after her mom died. How she reconciled with her father. And all I could think of was, "Why not with me?" She managed to remember my birthday this year, and called me just to tell me all about her, not even asking about me or Caden or how we were doing. It's rather sad that she hasn't had anything to do with Caden since a week after he was born. She barely even held him when she came into town after he was born, and she hasn't seen him since. What can ya do? It's sad because Caden is such a wonderful child, and I definitely think I'm worth getting to know, too. I mean, for goodness sake, I gave up everything - and made Evan leave his family, too - to move a state away and get to know her. Moving to a new town and having the only family you've got there act distant isn't pleasant. My Stepfather, Don, acted like he cared about me more than she did. I gave her plenty of chances. Plenty. But once again, she made me feel like I was just inconvenient. *sigh*
Mistakes I made in Fargo:
So, I'm not taking 100% responsibility for this problem, and if I had known better I would have taken all the infinitely wise advice people gave me by telling me to pay up rent a few months ahead. It's not that we couldn't have afforded the apartment we were in, even though by Fargo standards it was higher-priced, but we weren't responsible about our finances. We spent money like it was going out of style, and if we would have just used the extra money to pay ourselves ahead and pay off our credit cards and other stuff, we would still be in Fargo now instead of in a shithole apartment. We'd doing just fine. Granted, the fact that Lifetouch and Paul both screwed us royally didn't help matters at all (how can you live off of $100 a week each when you're traveling all the time?), but I digress. We would have had no money left if we were to pay our rent, and up until around July/August, we had stayed current on our rent with no problems. It wasn't until Paul sent us to the fucking Sons Of Norway that we got screwed. Poor Evan and Jessica had them as their first job, and it destroyed any chance they had at thinking they could do their jobs well. Jessica also got them kicked out of so many churches, it made my head spin. Then Mike and I got stuck as the 'healing' team. So that screwed with our sales. *sigh*
Evan's mom's death:
Not like this was anything preventable, of course. But it really took a toll on our relationship. He was so destroyed for so long that I'm still amazed to this day that I stuck by his side through the whole ordeal. He's still having troubles with it all. He feels that if he hadn't moved out when Jessi moved in that his mom would have still been alive, or that she at least wouldn't have died in such horrible circumstances. He's also upset that he's still gotten no resolution as to what happened the night she died; neither his dad or Jessi has given him a straight story. We know the bare fact that she died of a massive heart attack, but as for the events leading up to the heart attack; nothing.
My Crazy Family:
My family has so many skeletons in their closet they could donate a few to science and never miss them. I know you're supposed to love and cherish your family, but all mine seems to do is invent new ways to stab each other in the back and weasel out of responsibility. I do love my family, there's no denying that, but it hurts to watch them try and tear each other to peices. Just knowing that there has been so much secrecy about everyone's pasts (which I respect - it's their past, not mine) and the way in which these issues were forced into the light... When I was told all the things I know now, they were more or less presented in a way to try and make me think less of the person who had done wrong. Not as an informational, this-is-something-you-should-know way. More of a, "Look at what he/she did!" And my grandmother's denial of everything drives me up the wall. It's like she thinks that by pretending the horrible things have never happened, they don't exist. But they do. And if she could just come to terms with it and try and work through this by talking to my father, my life would be exponentially improved. I can't even have my own son's birthday party without worrying that someone's going to say/do something and ruin it all. The first time that happens will be the last. The only thing that keeps me from just having private holidays is the hope that my family cares enough about Caden to keep that from happening.
Maybe I'll write more later, but that's enough for now. I'm going to lunch. Here I come McFries!
So as a result, I take a lot of time on my files. However, I know that I can do a whole new file within 15-20 minutes. It's NOT difficult work. I just wish I could be better utilized, I guess. Not that I want to do something I find boring, I just want more of my own work to do.
I saw Freedom Writers on Tuesday. It was fabulous. It really got me thinking about how unimportant all these past grudges I've been holding really are.
And of course, when I get all insightful, I feel the need to make unnecessarily long journal entries.
Becky:
A lot of my past damage has to do with her. I've been thinking about everything that's happened within the past couple of years... From the letter I wrote to her, to the fact that I had to make the first contact to reconcile, to her making half-assed attempts to make herself feel better about her life. I completely understand, now, that she had to give me up after I was born. That doesn't bother me any more. Now the only part that's bothered me was seeing her with my brothers and knowing how good of a mother she could be when she wanted to be; and that she never seemed to want to make that attempt with me. What was it about me? Why didn't she love me, too? She and I got together not long after Evan and I moved out and she told me how she had a bad relationship with her dad after her mom died. How she reconciled with her father. And all I could think of was, "Why not with me?" She managed to remember my birthday this year, and called me just to tell me all about her, not even asking about me or Caden or how we were doing. It's rather sad that she hasn't had anything to do with Caden since a week after he was born. She barely even held him when she came into town after he was born, and she hasn't seen him since. What can ya do? It's sad because Caden is such a wonderful child, and I definitely think I'm worth getting to know, too. I mean, for goodness sake, I gave up everything - and made Evan leave his family, too - to move a state away and get to know her. Moving to a new town and having the only family you've got there act distant isn't pleasant. My Stepfather, Don, acted like he cared about me more than she did. I gave her plenty of chances. Plenty. But once again, she made me feel like I was just inconvenient. *sigh*
Mistakes I made in Fargo:
So, I'm not taking 100% responsibility for this problem, and if I had known better I would have taken all the infinitely wise advice people gave me by telling me to pay up rent a few months ahead. It's not that we couldn't have afforded the apartment we were in, even though by Fargo standards it was higher-priced, but we weren't responsible about our finances. We spent money like it was going out of style, and if we would have just used the extra money to pay ourselves ahead and pay off our credit cards and other stuff, we would still be in Fargo now instead of in a shithole apartment. We'd doing just fine. Granted, the fact that Lifetouch and Paul both screwed us royally didn't help matters at all (how can you live off of $100 a week each when you're traveling all the time?), but I digress. We would have had no money left if we were to pay our rent, and up until around July/August, we had stayed current on our rent with no problems. It wasn't until Paul sent us to the fucking Sons Of Norway that we got screwed. Poor Evan and Jessica had them as their first job, and it destroyed any chance they had at thinking they could do their jobs well. Jessica also got them kicked out of so many churches, it made my head spin. Then Mike and I got stuck as the 'healing' team. So that screwed with our sales. *sigh*
Evan's mom's death:
Not like this was anything preventable, of course. But it really took a toll on our relationship. He was so destroyed for so long that I'm still amazed to this day that I stuck by his side through the whole ordeal. He's still having troubles with it all. He feels that if he hadn't moved out when Jessi moved in that his mom would have still been alive, or that she at least wouldn't have died in such horrible circumstances. He's also upset that he's still gotten no resolution as to what happened the night she died; neither his dad or Jessi has given him a straight story. We know the bare fact that she died of a massive heart attack, but as for the events leading up to the heart attack; nothing.
My Crazy Family:
My family has so many skeletons in their closet they could donate a few to science and never miss them. I know you're supposed to love and cherish your family, but all mine seems to do is invent new ways to stab each other in the back and weasel out of responsibility. I do love my family, there's no denying that, but it hurts to watch them try and tear each other to peices. Just knowing that there has been so much secrecy about everyone's pasts (which I respect - it's their past, not mine) and the way in which these issues were forced into the light... When I was told all the things I know now, they were more or less presented in a way to try and make me think less of the person who had done wrong. Not as an informational, this-is-something-you-should-know way. More of a, "Look at what he/she did!" And my grandmother's denial of everything drives me up the wall. It's like she thinks that by pretending the horrible things have never happened, they don't exist. But they do. And if she could just come to terms with it and try and work through this by talking to my father, my life would be exponentially improved. I can't even have my own son's birthday party without worrying that someone's going to say/do something and ruin it all. The first time that happens will be the last. The only thing that keeps me from just having private holidays is the hope that my family cares enough about Caden to keep that from happening.
Maybe I'll write more later, but that's enough for now. I'm going to lunch. Here I come McFries!