(no subject)
Everyone has embarrassing moments. Sometimes it's silly things we do. And sometimes it's silly things we say. Most forget it as the day wears on. I used to be like that. I used to be able to shake it off and move on. However, somewhere along the line I stopped being able to do that. Whenever I do something embarrassing, it sticks in my mind constantly replaying over and over again making me cringe and causing a degree of anxiety for me.
In order for me to be able to regain a sense of calmness, I do one of two things. If the matter isn't very cringe worthy, I write down my feelings here. It helps me unload the anxious thoughts and makes it easier for me to live with what I had done. In a way, by putting the feelings into words I'm able to release a part of my emotions and slowly forget how embarrassing I was.
However, sometimes the feeling is too strong and I need an instant release from the thoughts that constantly run through my brain. Whenever that happens, I usually reach for a razor and cut a few lines into my arm. The sight of blood running from the small cuts seem to calm my anxiety and I'm actually able to think about the matter without cringing or feeling anxious. It's a horrible thing to do and I'm usually calm enough not to resort to cutting but some things make it hard for me to remain calm as it constantly runs in my brain. I did try to not cut myself and deal with the anxiety but it did not go away. I held fast for three days before I finally reached for the razor.
I carry the scars from the previous time I felt so anxious that I had to cut it out of me. And the fresh lines I'd cut are healing under the plaster I put over it from yesterday.
I hate having to lie about how I got the cuts but the cutting really takes the edge off and I'm able to face another day.
Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.