..... i'm not gonna hold back anymore
i've been doing a lot of soul searching and self-reflection lately. actually, i do that a lot. but i think in this little episode i have been alarmingly realistic in my train of thought and the conclusions i've come to. i've decided to make some huge changes, and almost all of them are things that i know i should have done but couldn't bring myself to for the simple fact that i couldn't let go or i didn't want to change. but then you realise that we're all changing... every hour of the day miniscule alterations happen right under our noses and after these past three years one looks back and wonders where the time went and how we all changed so much from what we used to be. well - i don't like the changes, and its time for me to do something about it.
i am so exhausted with picking myself apart inside trying to figure out what i'm not doing right or what i'm not doing at all to get you to respond or love me back. maybe you do love me and you just don't say it - i say that because i can feel your feelings, but have never heard them uttered in the form of words. a year later, i still don't know what i did or didn't do - or if it was me at all. and still i can't totally convince myself that it's time to let go and move on - and there is a damn good reason for that and you know it. i have loved and cared about you fully and blindly with no hesitation and no regard for the pain it brings. i've driven up one side of the state and down the other more times than i can count on my hands and toes to see you, and never questioned why or whether it would be worth it in the end - because it was worth it at that moment. i backed off when you asked me to, and came back when you asked me to. when we had misunderstandings i was always straight with you; when rumors flew i told you the truth and i meant every word. silently i have carried the burden of dealing with losing a child because i didn't want to tell you like this, and it crushes me that it is coming out this way but i can't bottle it up like this - it is truly eating at me from inside out. and i am so sorry - with all my heart that if you see this at all that you found out in this manner... it is the last thing i ever wanted to do but i can't keep this to myself for 7 more months. and yet after it all, i don't regret a thing and i would do it all over again.
and this is not all your fault; i should have said something. realistically i should have said a lot of things, and only God knows why i didn't. but there were also many things i needed you to say, and you never did. why? one week we're too serious, then next week you're calling me half-drunk saying you love me and that we need to get married, but then the next day you didn't remember saying anything of the sort, "but the truth always comes out when we're in altered states of mind." i know there's something you never tell me - maybe that's my blind love talking again, too.. i go around and around with this in my head and it makes me dizzy. i will never forget the day you told me that "nobody said it was gonna be easy" on the phone. i took that to heart, and i told myself that even though it hurts me when you do things like that, and it hurts me when you contradict, and it would hurt most of all when you had to deploy again; i would stick it out. because nobody got to me like you and in my mind, the moments when i could look at you would far outweigh the hard stuff. nobody said it would be easy. but nobody ever said we had to make it hard either. so for a year i stayed patient, i did everything i could to make us possible and for the life of me i wouldn't and don't believe that the effort i made went unnoticed. i know you saw it.
i want you to do whats right for you, and if i'm not it... then i'm not it. but you gotta tell me - i can't read your mind.
i don't wanna go out like this... i just need to get things off my chest right now. i still wanna talk, i wanna be there for you, and i want us to spend time as whatever we may be. me writing isn't going to make things any easier, because whether or not you are mine isn't the issue... i will still stand by your side and wait for you to come home - alive. and when we do see each other, know that all the waiting and wishing and hard stuff was worth it for me. because some of my best moments were with you and it is still my hope that those won't be the only ones. but if they are, it was all worth it - and that is one thing in this life of mine that will never change.
i am so exhausted with picking myself apart inside trying to figure out what i'm not doing right or what i'm not doing at all to get you to respond or love me back. maybe you do love me and you just don't say it - i say that because i can feel your feelings, but have never heard them uttered in the form of words. a year later, i still don't know what i did or didn't do - or if it was me at all. and still i can't totally convince myself that it's time to let go and move on - and there is a damn good reason for that and you know it. i have loved and cared about you fully and blindly with no hesitation and no regard for the pain it brings. i've driven up one side of the state and down the other more times than i can count on my hands and toes to see you, and never questioned why or whether it would be worth it in the end - because it was worth it at that moment. i backed off when you asked me to, and came back when you asked me to. when we had misunderstandings i was always straight with you; when rumors flew i told you the truth and i meant every word. silently i have carried the burden of dealing with losing a child because i didn't want to tell you like this, and it crushes me that it is coming out this way but i can't bottle it up like this - it is truly eating at me from inside out. and i am so sorry - with all my heart that if you see this at all that you found out in this manner... it is the last thing i ever wanted to do but i can't keep this to myself for 7 more months. and yet after it all, i don't regret a thing and i would do it all over again.
and this is not all your fault; i should have said something. realistically i should have said a lot of things, and only God knows why i didn't. but there were also many things i needed you to say, and you never did. why? one week we're too serious, then next week you're calling me half-drunk saying you love me and that we need to get married, but then the next day you didn't remember saying anything of the sort, "but the truth always comes out when we're in altered states of mind." i know there's something you never tell me - maybe that's my blind love talking again, too.. i go around and around with this in my head and it makes me dizzy. i will never forget the day you told me that "nobody said it was gonna be easy" on the phone. i took that to heart, and i told myself that even though it hurts me when you do things like that, and it hurts me when you contradict, and it would hurt most of all when you had to deploy again; i would stick it out. because nobody got to me like you and in my mind, the moments when i could look at you would far outweigh the hard stuff. nobody said it would be easy. but nobody ever said we had to make it hard either. so for a year i stayed patient, i did everything i could to make us possible and for the life of me i wouldn't and don't believe that the effort i made went unnoticed. i know you saw it.
i want you to do whats right for you, and if i'm not it... then i'm not it. but you gotta tell me - i can't read your mind.
i don't wanna go out like this... i just need to get things off my chest right now. i still wanna talk, i wanna be there for you, and i want us to spend time as whatever we may be. me writing isn't going to make things any easier, because whether or not you are mine isn't the issue... i will still stand by your side and wait for you to come home - alive. and when we do see each other, know that all the waiting and wishing and hard stuff was worth it for me. because some of my best moments were with you and it is still my hope that those won't be the only ones. but if they are, it was all worth it - and that is one thing in this life of mine that will never change.