(no subject)
Hmm. Boring weekend. On Friday hung aorund with G, which is always good. Sat worked & went to a dull party. Today worked & did my homework.. I actually like the weekdays better than the weekends. I'd much rather go to school than work.
Lately, I don't know what's wrong with me but... to put it bluntly, I feel like shit. I'm just so tired of doing this on my own. I don't want to live by myself anymore. Not that I ever did, but I'm done. Gabriel & I are going to move out in June/July, but I'm really not sure I can hold out that long. Look what happened last term. Every day getting up gets harder & harder. &.. when I finally get to talk to/do something with Gabriel, all I can do is cry, because all day I'm walking around with a smile on my face, trying to mask the fact I'd rather just go home & sleep. & I feel so comfortable with him... it's really hard to explain. But we'll be talking, & he'll make me laugh, & that spark of feeling good feels so different in comparrison to how I've been all day that that it makes me realize how sad I am. Tonight he told me that if he's the one thing that makes me happy, I should be happy when I'm around him. But.. it's because he makes me feel good that I cry... & it's because I trust him that I show him how I really feel.
I think I'm going to have to pretend I'm happy when I'm around him too, just to spare his feelings.
I'm really trying to avoid this though.
Because if I don't have him to talk to... I have no one.
& I'm not sure I can handle that.
Anyway, tonight I did my math assignment & I actually am sure I'm going to get 100%. I've never felt like this about math before in my life. Hopefully it stays like that. But somehow, I sincerly doubt that's going to happen.
I really should go to bed, but I've been trying to download the video for Kyo's Je cours.. It's so great, it actually give me the shivers. & there's only 15 minutes left on the download.. If it cancels or doesn't end up working... I'll be throughly disapointed. But so what else is new.
Lately, I don't know what's wrong with me but... to put it bluntly, I feel like shit. I'm just so tired of doing this on my own. I don't want to live by myself anymore. Not that I ever did, but I'm done. Gabriel & I are going to move out in June/July, but I'm really not sure I can hold out that long. Look what happened last term. Every day getting up gets harder & harder. &.. when I finally get to talk to/do something with Gabriel, all I can do is cry, because all day I'm walking around with a smile on my face, trying to mask the fact I'd rather just go home & sleep. & I feel so comfortable with him... it's really hard to explain. But we'll be talking, & he'll make me laugh, & that spark of feeling good feels so different in comparrison to how I've been all day that that it makes me realize how sad I am. Tonight he told me that if he's the one thing that makes me happy, I should be happy when I'm around him. But.. it's because he makes me feel good that I cry... & it's because I trust him that I show him how I really feel.
I think I'm going to have to pretend I'm happy when I'm around him too, just to spare his feelings.
I'm really trying to avoid this though.
Because if I don't have him to talk to... I have no one.
& I'm not sure I can handle that.
Anyway, tonight I did my math assignment & I actually am sure I'm going to get 100%. I've never felt like this about math before in my life. Hopefully it stays like that. But somehow, I sincerly doubt that's going to happen.
I really should go to bed, but I've been trying to download the video for Kyo's Je cours.. It's so great, it actually give me the shivers. & there's only 15 minutes left on the download.. If it cancels or doesn't end up working... I'll be throughly disapointed. But so what else is new.