15 year old mee!
I have today off to finish my HR & PR course for the end of the month.. I told myself I'd start at 9 but here it is, nearly 12, and I havent even touched my books yet. I'm the ideal role model for all procrastinators. I'll even understand if you dont add me as a friend 'till later. (See what I did there?)
Sooo, I stumbled across a very, very old blog of mine last night from nearly 7 years ago. Reading some of the posts have me embarassed as all hell. I was a snarky, stuck up, "everything in my life is wrong" kind of teeny bopper. There's some posts that make me laugh too, but mostly I'm just kind of like... Helllll no. I had it all wrong. Hahaha.
Some excerpts:
":] I have a secret. It's on my neck and I have to cover it with my hair.
Anyway. Brandyn came over.. 10:30am - 2pm. It had to be that early because he has a job AND he has baseball practices and games so we never spend enough time together. He had to work at 3. So we tried to put in a little together time before he had his shift. And it worked. ;P
Tomorrow's Mothers Day. :) Fun fun. Which means I'll probably spend the whole day with Mom. ;)
Tiffany was suspended for 4 days for punching me in the face, twice. And now the whole school hates her."
^ That's a funny ass story. The only time I've ever been punched. I called her a crackwhore in the middle of French Class after she started ripping out her hair because I told her we couldn't be friends. So she punched my face into the radiator, at which point I laughed (which you never do at a crackwhore, apparently) and then she found me later and punched me again. It's the same week I started dating her ex boyfriend. Bahaha. I was a terrible tween!
"He came over. Jess called. She couldn't believe us, but we convinced her in the end. Then she called Tiffany and told her, who in turn called me and this is how our convo went:
Tiff: So, I heard about you two.
Me: Hmm?
Tiff: You and Brandyn. Thanks alot, Steph. Thanks alot.
Me: You're welcome? (Keep in mind I was extrmely happy before I received that call and kind of dazed when she started to.. Put me down.)
Tiff: You're a bitch.
And then she hung up, only to call back again.
Tiff: (She's obviously crying and at a restaurant. Oops.) How could you, Steph? Friends dont do that to friends.
Me: You're being a hypocrite. You've never been a real friend to me.
Tiff: (Who's still sobbing.) How could you? You know how I felt about him, how could you!?
Me: YOU dumped HIM.
Tiff: But you still knew! (Cries some more.) You're a whore.
And then she hung up again.
But I got a call back. Eric. Tiffany had told him. I knew it was going to happen.
Eric: Do you think I'm fucking stupid?
Me: No
Eric: No? Then why'd you do it? I liked all your lies yesterday.
Me: They werent lies. I had no intentions of something like this happening and everything I said to you was completely honest and truthful.
Eric: He's lucky he's not in front of me right now. He's fucking lucky. I'm coming to your school on Monday.
Me: Why?
Eric: Why? To beat that fucking kids ass. When I leave, his head will be smashed against the cement and you'll know it was your fault. Do you think I'm a fool?
Me: You're certainly acting like one. You're being stupid and irrational.
Eric: I was played like a fool, but I'm not a fool.
And yadayadyadadayadyad, until I hung up on him after I called him a psycho. Which he is, because then he got Brandyn's number and planned to get his adress. But, I called Eric and let him talk to Brandyn.. Brandyn's a smooth guy. They talked it out, but I still dont know 100% of what happened. But Eric isn't planning on coming to our school on Monday anymore."
"Tara came to school one day and was really excited. She had tried ecstasy for the first time, and she started telling me all about it. Imagine being told that, for a few hours, you can literally throw every bothersome thing aside and experience nothing but COMPLETE, TOTAL PEACE AND HAPPINESS. Just imagine. If you imagine enough, and kind of get flutters inside your chest or a butterfly-like feeling, then you've imagined what it's like to be tempted to try a drug that's 10X the feeling your feeling now. The opportunity was waved in my face.
I guess that's when the angel and devil on my shoulders started taking over. Part of me was thinking that BRANDYN [and, GOSH!! I SMILE JUST THINKING OF HIM, EVEN UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.] would hate me, on top of hating myself. I'd let myself down, my friends down, my family down, and then be seriously screwed up in the head. Was it worth a few hours of fun?
Yes, yes, yes. Part of me was just like, "You've been through so much. You deserve these few hours of chemically inhanced happiness, since it's so obvious that you can't find it anywhere else."
So I did.
And me and Tara skipped 3rd and 4rth period to go to some guys house to buy Ecstasy. [They were both highschool drop outs.] From there, we went to some park and waited until this black SUV pulled up and then Eric and Josh went and made the deal.
ME and Tara left with 5 yellow crowns and 5 purple butterflies.
We crushed a purple butterfly and split it, and then had one full yellow crown each.
At first, I didnt really notice anything and I thought that we had been cheated. But then I found that I couldnt stop moving. I strated running around and screaming, "WHATS HAPPENING TO ME!? THIS CANT BE THE DRUG, DRUGS DONT WORK. TARAAAA WHY AM I SO LOUD?" Seriously. Up until then, drugs just seemed like a myth. Something that cocky, little attention-whore kids did and made up experiences about.
And then I couldnt walk. I'd try and get up, but I'd fall right back down. I crawled into the bathroom so I could look at my face, see if there was any mark of DRUG USE on my face, and I couldnt see the blue/grey in my eyes. Just black. It scared me so much that I crawled into the bath tub and started beating myself up. Well, I didnt know I was actually hurting myself. I couldnt feel anything. Imagine someone locked in a bathroom, screaming and laughing at the top of their lungs, while banging themselves repeatedly against the side of the bathtub and yelling, "TARA, HELP ME. gigglegigglelaughliaghlaughscream. I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS, WHATS WRONG WITH ME?"
Every act that I carried out that night, I saw from the eyes of someone else. Everytime I'd pull my hair out, or fall down the stairs, or scream and start kissing the floor and walls, a voice in my head, MY VOICE, would say, "Stephanuie, what are you doing? Stop being a little attention whore and acting out. Stop screaming. Your being stupid."
When I'd scream from Tara's help, it was because I acknowledged that and wanted to stop. But absolutely everything I did was exxagerated. Everything.
And then the fright scene was over. I just stopped caring. The only person in the house was Tara, besides me, and she was on the drug too. I can be the attention whore I want to be. That side of me that ALWAYS WON would be smothered, just for a few hours.
I strated hugging everything that was huggable, kissing the floor, running and jumping around. [And hurting myself pretty bad.] I was talking nonstop, saying the things I thought I'd NEVER hear myself say, but always things that lurked in the back of my mind.
I'm pretty sure I remember EVERYTHING that happened that night, and yet, two days later, at school, THERES A RUMOR GOING AROUND THAT I HAD BEEN RAPED.
And having all those bruises on my body wasn't going to disprove that.
Not to mention, I was still coming off the E. I was COMPLETELY OPPOSIT THE INITIAL REACTION TO THE DRUG. I was majorly depressed. Seriously, you'd never seen someone so down. And I was extremely paranoid, too. I was insane.
Brandyn was supportive. :( I think he was the one who gave me everything I both needed and wanted. He gave me space, but let me know he was able to talk and stuff. WHICH WAS WAY MORE THAN I EXPECTED FROM HIM, seeing as how I fucked him over and such. I was busy being grateful sometimes that I forgot about the whole new situation.
Thinking about everything just makes me want to cry.
I'm still depressed, and I dont even [well, hardly] talk to Brandyn. Ever since it all happened, I've been way too SHY and ASHAMED."
I'm going to have to post this and then edit it since for some stupid fucking reason, I can't get the italics to come off. Freaking LJ.
Here we are without the italics. :D Yay. On with my post.
What a lot of people don't know about the evening I first tried E is that I actually ended up having sex with Tara. Maybe thats why I find lesbians so fascinating, although I don't consider myself to be a lesbian. I had barely even ever kissed a boy before that happened. I never talked to her again. We made promises to be "girlfriends" at our highschool and we wouldn't be ashamed of it, but of course.. I came down and there was no way in hell I'd ever be caught dating a girl back then.
I look back now and realize that the drugs, and the lesbian experience, and the shame I felt because of those experiences combined, were pretty overwhelming for 15 year old me.
I'd still hit my 15 year old self, though, because I was clearly a fucking idiot. And idiots should be smacked. #wayoflife
Finding and re-reading my old blog has been bitter sweet. It's cool 'cause I see how I am today and how different it varies from who I was back then.
Now, I smoke cigarettes, but I sure as hell don't do drugs. I don't even smoke weed! Someone comes up to me at the bar and goes, "I'm high on XTC," and I just roll my eyes. Good for you bud, you're clearly going places.
Now, I have a best friend who's one of the only people aware of what really happened that night between me and Tara, and she accepted me, and she didn't judge me, and she gets me. :) I did tell another close friend at the time who used it against me when we got into a fight. Of course, I denied, denied, denied. Back then it was so important to have a lot of friends versus a few very good friends. Now I just love that I have two of the greatest people in my life - my best friend and my boyfriend.
Now it's not really something for me to ashamed of, ahahaha. A few more people know now because we drink and play the never-have-i-ever game and "slept with someone of the same sex" always comes up and I always put a finger down and take a drink for that one. No one has to know the messy business of the time I slept with someone same gender as me, but it happened, and it made me who I am, and it's not really a big deal anymore.
I don't know what happened to Tara. I started ignoring her my first day back to school after that night. We had history together but she never went, and from my understanding, she got expelled for missing too many classes. As the year progressed, a mutual friend Chelsea, told me Tara was gettng into needles and shit. I wonder what she was going through.
I'm going to continue reading about my little 15, 14, 13 year old self.. there's some really happy memories in there, too. Some of them make me giggle a bit.
Sooo, I stumbled across a very, very old blog of mine last night from nearly 7 years ago. Reading some of the posts have me embarassed as all hell. I was a snarky, stuck up, "everything in my life is wrong" kind of teeny bopper. There's some posts that make me laugh too, but mostly I'm just kind of like... Helllll no. I had it all wrong. Hahaha.
Some excerpts:
":] I have a secret. It's on my neck and I have to cover it with my hair.
Anyway. Brandyn came over.. 10:30am - 2pm. It had to be that early because he has a job AND he has baseball practices and games so we never spend enough time together. He had to work at 3. So we tried to put in a little together time before he had his shift. And it worked. ;P
Tomorrow's Mothers Day. :) Fun fun. Which means I'll probably spend the whole day with Mom. ;)
Tiffany was suspended for 4 days for punching me in the face, twice. And now the whole school hates her."
^ That's a funny ass story. The only time I've ever been punched. I called her a crackwhore in the middle of French Class after she started ripping out her hair because I told her we couldn't be friends. So she punched my face into the radiator, at which point I laughed (which you never do at a crackwhore, apparently) and then she found me later and punched me again. It's the same week I started dating her ex boyfriend. Bahaha. I was a terrible tween!
"He came over. Jess called. She couldn't believe us, but we convinced her in the end. Then she called Tiffany and told her, who in turn called me and this is how our convo went:
Tiff: So, I heard about you two.
Me: Hmm?
Tiff: You and Brandyn. Thanks alot, Steph. Thanks alot.
Me: You're welcome? (Keep in mind I was extrmely happy before I received that call and kind of dazed when she started to.. Put me down.)
Tiff: You're a bitch.
And then she hung up, only to call back again.
Tiff: (She's obviously crying and at a restaurant. Oops.) How could you, Steph? Friends dont do that to friends.
Me: You're being a hypocrite. You've never been a real friend to me.
Tiff: (Who's still sobbing.) How could you? You know how I felt about him, how could you!?
Me: YOU dumped HIM.
Tiff: But you still knew! (Cries some more.) You're a whore.
And then she hung up again.
But I got a call back. Eric. Tiffany had told him. I knew it was going to happen.
Eric: Do you think I'm fucking stupid?
Me: No
Eric: No? Then why'd you do it? I liked all your lies yesterday.
Me: They werent lies. I had no intentions of something like this happening and everything I said to you was completely honest and truthful.
Eric: He's lucky he's not in front of me right now. He's fucking lucky. I'm coming to your school on Monday.
Me: Why?
Eric: Why? To beat that fucking kids ass. When I leave, his head will be smashed against the cement and you'll know it was your fault. Do you think I'm a fool?
Me: You're certainly acting like one. You're being stupid and irrational.
Eric: I was played like a fool, but I'm not a fool.
And yadayadyadadayadyad, until I hung up on him after I called him a psycho. Which he is, because then he got Brandyn's number and planned to get his adress. But, I called Eric and let him talk to Brandyn.. Brandyn's a smooth guy. They talked it out, but I still dont know 100% of what happened. But Eric isn't planning on coming to our school on Monday anymore."
"Tara came to school one day and was really excited. She had tried ecstasy for the first time, and she started telling me all about it. Imagine being told that, for a few hours, you can literally throw every bothersome thing aside and experience nothing but COMPLETE, TOTAL PEACE AND HAPPINESS. Just imagine. If you imagine enough, and kind of get flutters inside your chest or a butterfly-like feeling, then you've imagined what it's like to be tempted to try a drug that's 10X the feeling your feeling now. The opportunity was waved in my face.
I guess that's when the angel and devil on my shoulders started taking over. Part of me was thinking that BRANDYN [and, GOSH!! I SMILE JUST THINKING OF HIM, EVEN UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.] would hate me, on top of hating myself. I'd let myself down, my friends down, my family down, and then be seriously screwed up in the head. Was it worth a few hours of fun?
Yes, yes, yes. Part of me was just like, "You've been through so much. You deserve these few hours of chemically inhanced happiness, since it's so obvious that you can't find it anywhere else."
So I did.
And me and Tara skipped 3rd and 4rth period to go to some guys house to buy Ecstasy. [They were both highschool drop outs.] From there, we went to some park and waited until this black SUV pulled up and then Eric and Josh went and made the deal.
ME and Tara left with 5 yellow crowns and 5 purple butterflies.
We crushed a purple butterfly and split it, and then had one full yellow crown each.
At first, I didnt really notice anything and I thought that we had been cheated. But then I found that I couldnt stop moving. I strated running around and screaming, "WHATS HAPPENING TO ME!? THIS CANT BE THE DRUG, DRUGS DONT WORK. TARAAAA WHY AM I SO LOUD?" Seriously. Up until then, drugs just seemed like a myth. Something that cocky, little attention-whore kids did and made up experiences about.
And then I couldnt walk. I'd try and get up, but I'd fall right back down. I crawled into the bathroom so I could look at my face, see if there was any mark of DRUG USE on my face, and I couldnt see the blue/grey in my eyes. Just black. It scared me so much that I crawled into the bath tub and started beating myself up. Well, I didnt know I was actually hurting myself. I couldnt feel anything. Imagine someone locked in a bathroom, screaming and laughing at the top of their lungs, while banging themselves repeatedly against the side of the bathtub and yelling, "TARA, HELP ME. gigglegigglelaughliaghlaughscream. I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS, WHATS WRONG WITH ME?"
Every act that I carried out that night, I saw from the eyes of someone else. Everytime I'd pull my hair out, or fall down the stairs, or scream and start kissing the floor and walls, a voice in my head, MY VOICE, would say, "Stephanuie, what are you doing? Stop being a little attention whore and acting out. Stop screaming. Your being stupid."
When I'd scream from Tara's help, it was because I acknowledged that and wanted to stop. But absolutely everything I did was exxagerated. Everything.
And then the fright scene was over. I just stopped caring. The only person in the house was Tara, besides me, and she was on the drug too. I can be the attention whore I want to be. That side of me that ALWAYS WON would be smothered, just for a few hours.
I strated hugging everything that was huggable, kissing the floor, running and jumping around. [And hurting myself pretty bad.] I was talking nonstop, saying the things I thought I'd NEVER hear myself say, but always things that lurked in the back of my mind.
I'm pretty sure I remember EVERYTHING that happened that night, and yet, two days later, at school, THERES A RUMOR GOING AROUND THAT I HAD BEEN RAPED.
And having all those bruises on my body wasn't going to disprove that.
Not to mention, I was still coming off the E. I was COMPLETELY OPPOSIT THE INITIAL REACTION TO THE DRUG. I was majorly depressed. Seriously, you'd never seen someone so down. And I was extremely paranoid, too. I was insane.
Brandyn was supportive. :( I think he was the one who gave me everything I both needed and wanted. He gave me space, but let me know he was able to talk and stuff. WHICH WAS WAY MORE THAN I EXPECTED FROM HIM, seeing as how I fucked him over and such. I was busy being grateful sometimes that I forgot about the whole new situation.
Thinking about everything just makes me want to cry.
I'm still depressed, and I dont even [well, hardly] talk to Brandyn. Ever since it all happened, I've been way too SHY and ASHAMED."
I'm going to have to post this and then edit it since for some stupid fucking reason, I can't get the italics to come off. Freaking LJ.
Here we are without the italics. :D Yay. On with my post.
What a lot of people don't know about the evening I first tried E is that I actually ended up having sex with Tara. Maybe thats why I find lesbians so fascinating, although I don't consider myself to be a lesbian. I had barely even ever kissed a boy before that happened. I never talked to her again. We made promises to be "girlfriends" at our highschool and we wouldn't be ashamed of it, but of course.. I came down and there was no way in hell I'd ever be caught dating a girl back then.
I look back now and realize that the drugs, and the lesbian experience, and the shame I felt because of those experiences combined, were pretty overwhelming for 15 year old me.
I'd still hit my 15 year old self, though, because I was clearly a fucking idiot. And idiots should be smacked. #wayoflife
Finding and re-reading my old blog has been bitter sweet. It's cool 'cause I see how I am today and how different it varies from who I was back then.
Now, I smoke cigarettes, but I sure as hell don't do drugs. I don't even smoke weed! Someone comes up to me at the bar and goes, "I'm high on XTC," and I just roll my eyes. Good for you bud, you're clearly going places.
Now, I have a best friend who's one of the only people aware of what really happened that night between me and Tara, and she accepted me, and she didn't judge me, and she gets me. :) I did tell another close friend at the time who used it against me when we got into a fight. Of course, I denied, denied, denied. Back then it was so important to have a lot of friends versus a few very good friends. Now I just love that I have two of the greatest people in my life - my best friend and my boyfriend.
Now it's not really something for me to ashamed of, ahahaha. A few more people know now because we drink and play the never-have-i-ever game and "slept with someone of the same sex" always comes up and I always put a finger down and take a drink for that one. No one has to know the messy business of the time I slept with someone same gender as me, but it happened, and it made me who I am, and it's not really a big deal anymore.
I don't know what happened to Tara. I started ignoring her my first day back to school after that night. We had history together but she never went, and from my understanding, she got expelled for missing too many classes. As the year progressed, a mutual friend Chelsea, told me Tara was gettng into needles and shit. I wonder what she was going through.
I'm going to continue reading about my little 15, 14, 13 year old self.. there's some really happy memories in there, too. Some of them make me giggle a bit.