I Just Wanna Be Anywhere But Here
I just don't wanna be here anymore. I hate my life I hate everything about myself. I hate how i work at the theatre still, I love hairdressing but it's not gonna get me anywhere that i'm gonna make a lot of money have benifits etc. I feel like i'm going no where in life and my life is how it is gonna be for the rest of my life ALONE.
I have nobody here, and if it wasn't for skooter i wouldn't be here, who knows where i would be. He is the only thing that keeps me going, the only thing that makes me happy anymore.
I hate myself for how my life is, i hate myself for not going to BC when i had the chance, I hate myself for not being able to trust anyone, I hate myself for lying to myself everyday about how i feel, I hate myself for having to pretend every single day that i'm happy so people don't ask me questions about why i'm sad. I hate how it sometimes shows when i'm sad and then i have to answer a billion of questions. I hate how i am never going to be happy, I hate everything.
No wonder jamie didn't wanna be with me, How can i expect someone to love me if i don't even love myself. I was being selfish making him stay with me for 7 months. He could have been with someone else and have been much happier. I guess i just wanted to feel wanted, but that's not enough to make a relationship work. And i am sorry jamie for putting you through hell. I am an emotional person and you knew that before we went out but like you said you didn't relize how bad it was, and i'm sorry for not telling you. I really did love you, even though i regret the whole last month we were together but i did love you. have a nice life.
Sometimes i wish i could just go to sleep and not wake up, or wake up and be somebody else. Cause being someone else or not even being here would be a whole lot better than here and being me.
I go to work everyday so i can pretend to be someone i'm not. I tell my clients how i wish my life was, I pretend to be happy, and it's gotten so easy to pretend that i'm happy that sometimes i even believe that i am. Sylvia is always asking me if i wanna day off because i work everyday, and i say no i will tell her when i do, because i just don't wanna have to slip back into my own relatity for a day. If i am working i don't have to think i don't have to feel, i can pretend that i am happy and then i feel like everything is ok.
Last night i just drove around for 45 minutes just so i didn't have to feel. it was nice
I just don't know what to do
~*steph*~ xoxo