& hope fills you up, makes you believe you can fly. but don't you know? you're only going to | die.
so, I was going to post about the crap fest my life has been for the past week. because honestly it truly was. I've literally reached by breaking point. I can't even cry about it anymore. suffice it to say that just when I thought my life couldn't get anymore twisted, mangled, or broken, life took a look and went You think this is broken, you think you hate yourself now? I just got started sweetheart, and this isn't even the icing on the cake, it's like the sprinkle. Here I thought that icebergs were only in the arctic, man was I wrong. Life's just getting to the point where I've started to question why I even bother. Literally everything is crumbling in my hands, I wish I could say that I wanted to try and fix things. Because guess what? I don't. I don't care anymore, I'm sick of being blamed, I'm sick of being hurt, I'm sick of being stuck. It hurts when you watch people leave you, it always does. Every single step is like a dagger to the heart. Especially when you know, in your heart, that you deserve it. When you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you deserve it. But still holding onto a sliver of hope, that things will change. That you'll get a chance to fix your mistakes, but knowing that this time? you won't. but it isn't just that, because when it rains it doesn't just pour, it monsoons. It's everything, it's my whole world, and everyone in it. Each, insignificant speck of my life has begun to disappear, and it's not going into the light, it's fading away. slowly but surely, each piece taking a little more of me, and now? I'm at the point where the only reason I'm upset is because I know I should be. I've reached the end of my emotional rope. Literally. It's sad, and it's pathetic, and it's stupid, but that doesn't make it go away. I can't make it go away. This isn't a story in a book, there will be no 3rd act twist, no magic cure. And it was foolish and childish to believe that real life can be that way. It can't, it isn't, not even close. Life is awful, and it's long, and it hurts, but I'm still not giving up. But I'm not wishing and hoping either, because I've been burned to many times to stick my hand on the stove again. In less, crappy news, I wrote something. I have no idea what it is. It just happened. I guess it's a poem? Or something. It's below. but I don't know about it. On the writing front? FML. This crap has taken my enthusiasm for writing and ruined it. Made the one thing that never hurt me, and twisted it up, and made it disappear. Like all the other things that made me happy. Made me whole. And I hate it. More than anything else.
Give me reason, give me choice, but I'll just make the same mistake again. - 'Same Mistake' by James Blunt.
did you know? your dreams they have wings, and they can help, they can save.
they can take the hand of fate, and change it, no matter how much you know.
so you must reach, reach for your stars, you must fly. and as hard as you try, as much as you believe,
flying kites high in the sky, taking leaps of faith through the trees. don't you know?
one day you'll miss, you'll fall to the ground. surrounding yourself with people with gold in their hair.
with those who smile with closed teeth, hide their claws, their daggers, the inhuman beasts.
hiding the truth, faking their care. saying they love, they adore. and then they share, weaving lies with a silver tounge,
always wanting more. hiding their true colors, with deciet, ivory coated smoked mirrors below,
with cold-hate where their hearts should go. and each touch a poison that is worse than a pill,
a poison that makes you submit to their will. they weave you stories, tell you tales,
about lion-hearted heroes who didn't give up, who kept going no matter what.
they'll keep patching you up, they'll wipe all your tears, then hand you rope that will only disappear.
pushing and pushing you to be strong, while secretly they just want you to drown.
don't let them fool you, don't let them win. but don't give up, and check yourself in.
for if you do, if you quit, and decide, that life's better when when you are safe,
that's why you hide. and then in your fear you go one step more,
you let the hope right out of it's drawer. and un-light the candle extinguish your flame,
submitting to what they want, what they told. as you disappear, and begin to blame,
you start throwing rocks and then you throw flames. slowly becoming the hate that did you in,
changing the person you were, like putting on a play. then soon, in your gilded tower, made of hate,
you'll come to see, that one day you'll be broken, one day you'll be sad. one day, and soon,
you'll look in a mirror, you'll miss what you had, and you'll know the truth, stuffed deep in your soul.
that dreams have turned to paper cranes, left out in the snow. that hope has deserted you. that your despair has grown.
grown up through your heart, shattering like stone, making you whither, and harder to see.
as you look in the mirror, you'll find that it's true. that dead person, my dear, that dead person's you.