It's been a while
So it has been quite a while since my last update. I can start off by saying that I am a senior now, which is pretty damn cool. its also really weird at the same time because next year ill be at college and moving on with my life and closing one chapter while opening up another.
i can say that im feeling and doing a lot better since the entry i posted like a year ago about giving up. i must say that last school year was the worst year ever with everything in my life and i hope that i dont ever have to go through with it again. looking back on it, i was in an extremely dark and depressed state and i dont ever wanna go back to that state again. this year im focuing on myself and getting myself help and getting better. i cant say that things at home will ever be peachy keen like it was when i was little, but at least now im learning ways on how to deal with it. i have a car now so i can drive around if i just need to leave my house. i also have some pretty solid friends who i know are there for me and i can count on them no matter what. ive also learned that there is no point in trying to be friends with people and hang out with them if they make you feel like crap. no one is ever worthy of that treatment and they shouldnt have it. ive switched my group of friends yet again. it is sad though how the people who i used to be really good friends with in 8th, 9th, and 11th grade, ive lost touch with them really. it isnt that i havent tried to keep being friends with them but they have also decided to exclude and ostracize me and others. they will learn eventually that they cant go through life only hanging out with a certain group of people and that is it. i really hope that they can learn that lesson and learn it the hard way, but i cant focus on that because this year i am focusing on myself. ive learned not to care if i dont get invited to do stuff with that group of friends because all they seem to do is create drama for themselves and i am so beyond that because i have enough drama at home why would i want to go out and deal with drama with friends when all i want to do is go out and have a good time and not worry about my problems at home. it bothers me though how i dont hang out with a lot of people from verona and it is my senior year and i wont be with everyone next year. is it also only the second month of school so there is still time for me to form new friendships and hang out with people from the high school. ive recently become really good friends with the people that i worked with over the summer. in particular ive become really good friends with this girl rachel which is really cool because we have a lot of stuff in common. we have each gone through our dark phases and have messed up home lives so it is pretty cool to have a friend who knows and has gone though exactly what you have. it makes life a little easier knowing that there is someone who is going through the same stuff and thinks that same way as you so you dont feel like the only person in the world who feels that way. in a way it is comforting and gives me hope because she has made it through her hard times alright for the most part and is a junior in college and has the rest of her life ahead of her. when i hang out with my friends from the pool i feel like im wanted and fit in which is a really good thing for me. they call me and tell me about parties and invite me to go on trips with them. i have to say that this is probably one of the better things that has happened to me. ive found out also this past year that is it better to have friends all over the place than in just one town. it is so much better because you can get out of town and away from the drama and do what you want and not have to worry about people saying shit about you in the high school because they dont know the people who you hang out with and what you do on the weekends with them. you can also let the people from out of town know what you want them to know about you and they can form their own opinions of you on a clean slate without the influences of what others say about you based on what nonsense people say about you or what rumors have been spread around.
i cant say that things are getting better with my brother. i also cant say that things are getting much worse with him either. he seems to be stuck in one place but i am starting not to care nearly as much as i did last year. this year is my year and hopefully all the focus wont be placed on him again this year so i get put to the side. he is digging his own grave and he is going to have to lie in it eventually and deal with it. sooner or later he is going to learn that what he does has consequences and what he does not only hurts himself but hurts others around him. he'll learn eventually, i hope, to pick out the right group of friends and not hang out with the kids who get into trouble all the time and are going nowhere in life. whatever happens, happens with him. whether that be him finally getting his act together and going to school and stuff and not being destructive at home or going to a group home where he will hopefully really appreciate what he has and change his attitude and ways. it bothers me with him how he seems to have no concern or respect for anyone in our house. how he can stay out til all hours of the night or not come home at all at night and then sleep all day and eat all the food in the house. it also isnt fair for him to keep my mom and me awake at night by playing loud music, playing his bass guitar, talking on the phone, ect. god has a plan for him im sure.
im a firm believer in karma and what goes around comes around whether it be good or bad. im still waiting for my "good karma" to come back and reward me. maybe i wont get rewarded now or in the next year or so, but eventually in my life i will get rewarded. there is a saying that whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger. well, it almost has killed me, meaning me trying to kill myself twice, but ive come out of it and i feel that i am somewhat stronger. ive become strongre from my experiences and learned and grown from there. i have a different outlook on life than some people and i feel that i am more prepared for things than some people. lets face it, ive had to go through more shit in my life than a good amount of adults have and never will go through. the experiences ive had have made me more mature which is a good and a bad thing. its a bad thing because i dont feel like i can connect with many high schoolers because they can tend to be immature and have different outlooks on life and dont know what they want. it is a good thing because i get along with college kids and adults so i will be well off when i go to school next fall. i know what i want in life and what i want to do which is a good thing because i think that everyone should have an idea of what they want in life. im not saying that they have to plan it all out or anything like that but just know what they are doing. that could mean taking each day as it comes and living life to the fullest but that is also a plan.
im really looking forward to this year and seeing how it turns out. im looking forward to seeing which colleges i get into and which one i will attend. im looking forward to the friendships ill make and possibly strengthen this year. im also looking forward to hopefully giving a talk at the insight retreat this year. i think it will be a really good thing for me because it will be like closing a chapter and starting a new one. i hope that by giving the talk i can give insight into the lives of some people. i will be a good thing because then i wont have to hide and lie anymore to people and maybe people will understand me more. they'll understand me more when i stress out and act nervous or act weird at times and have weird habits. all these things have a reason and hopefully people will understand. i hope that i can reach out to at least one person or know that there are people who are there for me and are really willing to listen.
i think that is a pretty good update for now with my thoughts. ill try to update again during the year with how i am doing and stuff.
peace.
i can say that im feeling and doing a lot better since the entry i posted like a year ago about giving up. i must say that last school year was the worst year ever with everything in my life and i hope that i dont ever have to go through with it again. looking back on it, i was in an extremely dark and depressed state and i dont ever wanna go back to that state again. this year im focuing on myself and getting myself help and getting better. i cant say that things at home will ever be peachy keen like it was when i was little, but at least now im learning ways on how to deal with it. i have a car now so i can drive around if i just need to leave my house. i also have some pretty solid friends who i know are there for me and i can count on them no matter what. ive also learned that there is no point in trying to be friends with people and hang out with them if they make you feel like crap. no one is ever worthy of that treatment and they shouldnt have it. ive switched my group of friends yet again. it is sad though how the people who i used to be really good friends with in 8th, 9th, and 11th grade, ive lost touch with them really. it isnt that i havent tried to keep being friends with them but they have also decided to exclude and ostracize me and others. they will learn eventually that they cant go through life only hanging out with a certain group of people and that is it. i really hope that they can learn that lesson and learn it the hard way, but i cant focus on that because this year i am focusing on myself. ive learned not to care if i dont get invited to do stuff with that group of friends because all they seem to do is create drama for themselves and i am so beyond that because i have enough drama at home why would i want to go out and deal with drama with friends when all i want to do is go out and have a good time and not worry about my problems at home. it bothers me though how i dont hang out with a lot of people from verona and it is my senior year and i wont be with everyone next year. is it also only the second month of school so there is still time for me to form new friendships and hang out with people from the high school. ive recently become really good friends with the people that i worked with over the summer. in particular ive become really good friends with this girl rachel which is really cool because we have a lot of stuff in common. we have each gone through our dark phases and have messed up home lives so it is pretty cool to have a friend who knows and has gone though exactly what you have. it makes life a little easier knowing that there is someone who is going through the same stuff and thinks that same way as you so you dont feel like the only person in the world who feels that way. in a way it is comforting and gives me hope because she has made it through her hard times alright for the most part and is a junior in college and has the rest of her life ahead of her. when i hang out with my friends from the pool i feel like im wanted and fit in which is a really good thing for me. they call me and tell me about parties and invite me to go on trips with them. i have to say that this is probably one of the better things that has happened to me. ive found out also this past year that is it better to have friends all over the place than in just one town. it is so much better because you can get out of town and away from the drama and do what you want and not have to worry about people saying shit about you in the high school because they dont know the people who you hang out with and what you do on the weekends with them. you can also let the people from out of town know what you want them to know about you and they can form their own opinions of you on a clean slate without the influences of what others say about you based on what nonsense people say about you or what rumors have been spread around.
i cant say that things are getting better with my brother. i also cant say that things are getting much worse with him either. he seems to be stuck in one place but i am starting not to care nearly as much as i did last year. this year is my year and hopefully all the focus wont be placed on him again this year so i get put to the side. he is digging his own grave and he is going to have to lie in it eventually and deal with it. sooner or later he is going to learn that what he does has consequences and what he does not only hurts himself but hurts others around him. he'll learn eventually, i hope, to pick out the right group of friends and not hang out with the kids who get into trouble all the time and are going nowhere in life. whatever happens, happens with him. whether that be him finally getting his act together and going to school and stuff and not being destructive at home or going to a group home where he will hopefully really appreciate what he has and change his attitude and ways. it bothers me with him how he seems to have no concern or respect for anyone in our house. how he can stay out til all hours of the night or not come home at all at night and then sleep all day and eat all the food in the house. it also isnt fair for him to keep my mom and me awake at night by playing loud music, playing his bass guitar, talking on the phone, ect. god has a plan for him im sure.
im a firm believer in karma and what goes around comes around whether it be good or bad. im still waiting for my "good karma" to come back and reward me. maybe i wont get rewarded now or in the next year or so, but eventually in my life i will get rewarded. there is a saying that whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger. well, it almost has killed me, meaning me trying to kill myself twice, but ive come out of it and i feel that i am somewhat stronger. ive become strongre from my experiences and learned and grown from there. i have a different outlook on life than some people and i feel that i am more prepared for things than some people. lets face it, ive had to go through more shit in my life than a good amount of adults have and never will go through. the experiences ive had have made me more mature which is a good and a bad thing. its a bad thing because i dont feel like i can connect with many high schoolers because they can tend to be immature and have different outlooks on life and dont know what they want. it is a good thing because i get along with college kids and adults so i will be well off when i go to school next fall. i know what i want in life and what i want to do which is a good thing because i think that everyone should have an idea of what they want in life. im not saying that they have to plan it all out or anything like that but just know what they are doing. that could mean taking each day as it comes and living life to the fullest but that is also a plan.
im really looking forward to this year and seeing how it turns out. im looking forward to seeing which colleges i get into and which one i will attend. im looking forward to the friendships ill make and possibly strengthen this year. im also looking forward to hopefully giving a talk at the insight retreat this year. i think it will be a really good thing for me because it will be like closing a chapter and starting a new one. i hope that by giving the talk i can give insight into the lives of some people. i will be a good thing because then i wont have to hide and lie anymore to people and maybe people will understand me more. they'll understand me more when i stress out and act nervous or act weird at times and have weird habits. all these things have a reason and hopefully people will understand. i hope that i can reach out to at least one person or know that there are people who are there for me and are really willing to listen.
i think that is a pretty good update for now with my thoughts. ill try to update again during the year with how i am doing and stuff.
peace.