A short and very sweet dream
I had a dream last night that was the best possible dream ever. No, there were no unicorns or dolphins or gaffer tape; just a blissful moment of freedom.
I dreamed that there was no pain; that I could move my arms and legs without restriction, that the thousand voices yelling that Something Is Very Very Wrong Indeed Everywhere were silenced. I felt flooded with spoons, and not so much energised as de-un-energised. I could stand, sit, walk, wave my arms - all those radical things - and there was nothing to stop me. With nothing to stop me doing the simple things I could go on and do real things. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to get on with life. I could do all my errands, and clean and tidy and still see people and go for long walks, all in one day like I once did.
I didn't have much time to make plans because this was not a narrative dream, but just a flash of sensation, an impression, a false sense memory. It happened at the physio's office because that's where I once experienced the same thing on a much smaller scale. I was there once getting my knee seen to, and the physio stretched and rotated my leg and it suddenly some pressure was relieved and my knee didn't hurt. Not one bit. The contrast was shocking, but amazing. It was that feeling that I experienced all too briefly last night.
There was another time I felt real relief, but that was nearly a year ago in the first flush of taking agomelatine. For a brief but amazing few weeks I got real sleep, real rest, and real healing and recovery. I remember walking around a shopping centre and being aware that my feet didn't hurt - I could walk forever! I was working so many hours from home I was seriously starting to think about getting more gigs. I eyed off the local gym once more.
But those halcyon days went away after I caught some kind of virus, and though I waited patiently, they never came back. I'd have the odd good day in which I'd have one or two good hours, but nothing more sustained than that. Right now things are very bad. The pain is severe, and worse the brain is not functioning well at all. I've not been able to work. My cognitive tests have been failing spectacularly for weeks now.
I'd look at a filled sudoku square like this, trying to figure out why there was no room for the 7:
1-4-5
3-6-8
9-3-2
I knew in theory that if there was no 7 and all the squares were filled, that meant that another number must be duplicated, but I couldn't find it. And this wasn't just on a casual glance; I'd scan line by line to try to find the problem but I still couldn't see it. All this on a 1 star sudoku, so yeah, brain no workee.
This is, you might imagine, somewhat frustrating.
On the bright side this time around I'm not experiencing the soul-destroying fear that maybe I wouldn't get my brains back. When that happened a couple of years ago I was in very bad shape indeed - it really felt like my identity and personality were being threatened. At least this time I'm fairly confident that I'll learn how to concentrate again, one day. But I am getting impatient for that day to come. I haven't been able to work, and my apprentice has been left to cope on her own for too long. I'm becoming an impediment to her progress :-(
I have tried a few new things lately. I've increased my Magnesium intake from 2 to 3 nightly. Magnesium has proven to be very helpful in the past; perhaps more is more. On the same basis that Zinc once did wonders to clear my head, I've trialled a few ways to increase my dose there too. Currently taking one morning and one at night. I've just reluctantly bumped up my pain relief, although the reluctance--caused in part by the side effect of sleepiness and wooziness--would seem rather moot at this point. I'm not exactly achieving much in my conscious state, am I?
I attempt movement as much as possible. I've been playing a lot of dance music, and do a lot of the tai chi/ballet/yoga type moves that have been helpful in the past. I walk when I can, even if it's just around the house. I haven't used the rubber bands as much as I should - I tend to forget about them, but they're there as an option. Thus far they've only brought more pain, but the jury is out as to whether this is good push-on-through pain or bad this-is-really-quite-a-bad-idea pain.
It's all about pain. My nervous system is an immensely noisy place and I'm sick of it. That dream was sheer cruelty.
And I suspect I'm upset by something else - Mum offered to wheel me around the cemetery in the wheelchair to preserve spoons. The very idea makes me feel like some kind of parasite. We're going there on Friday to look at Dad's nrely-laid memorial plaque, which will be next to Dave's. And of course there was the loss of our best man to cancer on Monday. On Friday I'm also going to the dentist to check out the latest self-inflicted chip in my molar. Plenty of perfectly ordinary reasons to feel low, and now with added hormones.
Sorry.
I dreamed that there was no pain; that I could move my arms and legs without restriction, that the thousand voices yelling that Something Is Very Very Wrong Indeed Everywhere were silenced. I felt flooded with spoons, and not so much energised as de-un-energised. I could stand, sit, walk, wave my arms - all those radical things - and there was nothing to stop me. With nothing to stop me doing the simple things I could go on and do real things. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to get on with life. I could do all my errands, and clean and tidy and still see people and go for long walks, all in one day like I once did.
I didn't have much time to make plans because this was not a narrative dream, but just a flash of sensation, an impression, a false sense memory. It happened at the physio's office because that's where I once experienced the same thing on a much smaller scale. I was there once getting my knee seen to, and the physio stretched and rotated my leg and it suddenly some pressure was relieved and my knee didn't hurt. Not one bit. The contrast was shocking, but amazing. It was that feeling that I experienced all too briefly last night.
There was another time I felt real relief, but that was nearly a year ago in the first flush of taking agomelatine. For a brief but amazing few weeks I got real sleep, real rest, and real healing and recovery. I remember walking around a shopping centre and being aware that my feet didn't hurt - I could walk forever! I was working so many hours from home I was seriously starting to think about getting more gigs. I eyed off the local gym once more.
But those halcyon days went away after I caught some kind of virus, and though I waited patiently, they never came back. I'd have the odd good day in which I'd have one or two good hours, but nothing more sustained than that. Right now things are very bad. The pain is severe, and worse the brain is not functioning well at all. I've not been able to work. My cognitive tests have been failing spectacularly for weeks now.
I'd look at a filled sudoku square like this, trying to figure out why there was no room for the 7:
1-4-5
3-6-8
9-3-2
I knew in theory that if there was no 7 and all the squares were filled, that meant that another number must be duplicated, but I couldn't find it. And this wasn't just on a casual glance; I'd scan line by line to try to find the problem but I still couldn't see it. All this on a 1 star sudoku, so yeah, brain no workee.
This is, you might imagine, somewhat frustrating.
On the bright side this time around I'm not experiencing the soul-destroying fear that maybe I wouldn't get my brains back. When that happened a couple of years ago I was in very bad shape indeed - it really felt like my identity and personality were being threatened. At least this time I'm fairly confident that I'll learn how to concentrate again, one day. But I am getting impatient for that day to come. I haven't been able to work, and my apprentice has been left to cope on her own for too long. I'm becoming an impediment to her progress :-(
I have tried a few new things lately. I've increased my Magnesium intake from 2 to 3 nightly. Magnesium has proven to be very helpful in the past; perhaps more is more. On the same basis that Zinc once did wonders to clear my head, I've trialled a few ways to increase my dose there too. Currently taking one morning and one at night. I've just reluctantly bumped up my pain relief, although the reluctance--caused in part by the side effect of sleepiness and wooziness--would seem rather moot at this point. I'm not exactly achieving much in my conscious state, am I?
I attempt movement as much as possible. I've been playing a lot of dance music, and do a lot of the tai chi/ballet/yoga type moves that have been helpful in the past. I walk when I can, even if it's just around the house. I haven't used the rubber bands as much as I should - I tend to forget about them, but they're there as an option. Thus far they've only brought more pain, but the jury is out as to whether this is good push-on-through pain or bad this-is-really-quite-a-bad-idea pain.
It's all about pain. My nervous system is an immensely noisy place and I'm sick of it. That dream was sheer cruelty.
And I suspect I'm upset by something else - Mum offered to wheel me around the cemetery in the wheelchair to preserve spoons. The very idea makes me feel like some kind of parasite. We're going there on Friday to look at Dad's nrely-laid memorial plaque, which will be next to Dave's. And of course there was the loss of our best man to cancer on Monday. On Friday I'm also going to the dentist to check out the latest self-inflicted chip in my molar. Plenty of perfectly ordinary reasons to feel low, and now with added hormones.
Sorry.