Making the universe an offer it can't refuse
Dear Universe,
You've been shovelling some particularly unpleasant major life-and-death shit in the direction of some friends of mine, and I must say it's making me more than a little cross. I know from experience that asking you to leave off with the big bad things is a waste of time, and not much can deter you from your little games. However, I have a proposal: whatever you had planned for my friend, lay off her and kick it to me. Double it if you like, but leave her the hell alone.
My friend is looking after someone she loves that you have decided has to go long before their time. That's a whole other angry letter. About the only thing left you can do to him is to add strain to his beloved. Don't do that. Don't hurt him any more. Don't hurt her any more. Do it to me.
Because you see quite apart from the major badness you've done to her, you've left yourself more than enough scope for a world of small and medium annoyances on top of that. Well, you would have left yourself room if you hadn't been quite so free with the small and medium stuff as well. It has to stop.
She is to experience no flat tyres, no broken nails, no sour milk, no catastrophically bad cups of tea, no banking administration errors. Her car engine will run, no recharger will stray, the house lights will stay on, and for the love of god leave her hot water system alone.
There WILL be parking wherever and whenever she needs it.
If you insist on refusing to let her professional life give her space, don't compound the issue with e-mail failures, changed deadlines, measurment errors, niggly stupid statistical anomolies, or other people's stupidities. By all means, change the entire editorial staff on half a dozen journals, just don't let it get in her way.
She is not to stub her toe, get a paper cut, accidentally stab herself in the eye with a hairbrush, break a shoelace, or scald herself on horrible cafeteria food. If you insist on keeping up your quota of such things, look over here. I'm ready.
If she has already communicated information via forms, phone, email, fax or smoke signal, everyone who needed it got it the first time. No-one is to ask her to repeat herself. If she needs to give new information, the same applies. Once is enough. I'll hear of no typos, corruptions, or human errors in data entry. Keep the stupid AWAY.
When she nips home for some rest, keep the neighbours quiet, the phone silent, and the helpful friends with bad timing away. If someone tries to sell her double glazing, pest control or religion, strike them down (for preference), but if you can't manage that, send a dozen of each to me in compensation.
And don't think you can sneak in inconvenience to her under the guise of misfortune to others. Oh no. She is not suddenly going to find herself required to act as a witness to someone else's car accident. If a shelf collapses in a supermarket she is not to find herself helping someone covered in tomato sauce and broken glass (because she would, you know that). If a fire alarm goes off she will not be there. Instead, put me there. Put me behind the roadworks, the burst water main, the collapsed wall of tinned baby food at Coles. Waste my time, take my energy, make me cross, hell, make me cry, just DO NOT DO IT TO HER.
Speaking of tricky, consult with her before you schedule in anything happy that she might be forced to miss. I'm not saying don't do it, just give her a choice. Favourite band is touring? Overseas friends in town for one night only? Masterclasses in her craft of choice? Births, weddings, celebrations, chances to frock up? Don't taunt her unnecessarily and pretend you're giving her a break. All nice things should be ACTUAL nice things with no strings attached.
If it will make you happy I'll book myself ten taxi rides to the airport and you can screw over every single one.
Got that, Universe? You've seen fit to keep me away from my friends when they need support, but this is something I can do for them. Bring it on.
And fuck cancer.
You've been shovelling some particularly unpleasant major life-and-death shit in the direction of some friends of mine, and I must say it's making me more than a little cross. I know from experience that asking you to leave off with the big bad things is a waste of time, and not much can deter you from your little games. However, I have a proposal: whatever you had planned for my friend, lay off her and kick it to me. Double it if you like, but leave her the hell alone.
My friend is looking after someone she loves that you have decided has to go long before their time. That's a whole other angry letter. About the only thing left you can do to him is to add strain to his beloved. Don't do that. Don't hurt him any more. Don't hurt her any more. Do it to me.
Because you see quite apart from the major badness you've done to her, you've left yourself more than enough scope for a world of small and medium annoyances on top of that. Well, you would have left yourself room if you hadn't been quite so free with the small and medium stuff as well. It has to stop.
She is to experience no flat tyres, no broken nails, no sour milk, no catastrophically bad cups of tea, no banking administration errors. Her car engine will run, no recharger will stray, the house lights will stay on, and for the love of god leave her hot water system alone.
There WILL be parking wherever and whenever she needs it.
If you insist on refusing to let her professional life give her space, don't compound the issue with e-mail failures, changed deadlines, measurment errors, niggly stupid statistical anomolies, or other people's stupidities. By all means, change the entire editorial staff on half a dozen journals, just don't let it get in her way.
She is not to stub her toe, get a paper cut, accidentally stab herself in the eye with a hairbrush, break a shoelace, or scald herself on horrible cafeteria food. If you insist on keeping up your quota of such things, look over here. I'm ready.
If she has already communicated information via forms, phone, email, fax or smoke signal, everyone who needed it got it the first time. No-one is to ask her to repeat herself. If she needs to give new information, the same applies. Once is enough. I'll hear of no typos, corruptions, or human errors in data entry. Keep the stupid AWAY.
When she nips home for some rest, keep the neighbours quiet, the phone silent, and the helpful friends with bad timing away. If someone tries to sell her double glazing, pest control or religion, strike them down (for preference), but if you can't manage that, send a dozen of each to me in compensation.
And don't think you can sneak in inconvenience to her under the guise of misfortune to others. Oh no. She is not suddenly going to find herself required to act as a witness to someone else's car accident. If a shelf collapses in a supermarket she is not to find herself helping someone covered in tomato sauce and broken glass (because she would, you know that). If a fire alarm goes off she will not be there. Instead, put me there. Put me behind the roadworks, the burst water main, the collapsed wall of tinned baby food at Coles. Waste my time, take my energy, make me cross, hell, make me cry, just DO NOT DO IT TO HER.
Speaking of tricky, consult with her before you schedule in anything happy that she might be forced to miss. I'm not saying don't do it, just give her a choice. Favourite band is touring? Overseas friends in town for one night only? Masterclasses in her craft of choice? Births, weddings, celebrations, chances to frock up? Don't taunt her unnecessarily and pretend you're giving her a break. All nice things should be ACTUAL nice things with no strings attached.
If it will make you happy I'll book myself ten taxi rides to the airport and you can screw over every single one.
Got that, Universe? You've seen fit to keep me away from my friends when they need support, but this is something I can do for them. Bring it on.
And fuck cancer.