Sleepless nights in plastic chairs.
I don't really know how to process everything that's happened to my body the past two months. It's always the same deal, when I'm sick I don't have time to think about it, and then I feel better and months' worth of weight are lifted off my shoulders and I finally have time to process how bad it has been. I got off the phone with my GI in the middle of class today and cried for the first time. Now it's streaming out too easily.
I should have known better than to walk out of an emergency room with a prescription paper reading, drink peppermint tea. I should have known better than to allow a doctor to fill me with laxatives without answering my questions. I should have known better than to accept three litres of posion to be ingested into my system to "clear me out" when the strongest laxative on the market had no effect whatsoever and no doctor looked into a reasoning for this. I should have known better than to stay home waiting like the doctor suggested, letting the poison sit in my stomach for twenty-four hours until I was so swollen that I may as well have been carrying twins. I debated whether it was necessary to go back a fourth time to emergency, but listened to my instincts and wrote my will while I was in the waiting room.
Finally a doctor did a CT scan, discovered that my whole stomach lining was one big ulcer and the "constipation" was actually my intestines swollen shut. I had six weeks worth of undigested food trapped in my stomach, plus three litres of prescribed poison. Had I not returned when I did to get my stomach emptied, I would have died. I was in shock over this news, laughing about it when I retold the story, thinking how crazy life can be, and how funny it is that I had the instinct to write out a will while I waited, unknowingly, yet somehow I knew, hours away from my own death. I'm glad that I have such good common sense sometimes. I have too much money saved to let it go to waste based on medical errors and not having proper time to prepare. The reality of how close I came to not being here to type this entry didn't hit me until I heard my GI's tone of voice on the phone this afternoon and finally recognized the severity of the situation. I walked back into the classroom and tears started to pour. I finished the lecture with a scarf covering my face and went dumpster diving for food that I can't even eat, but can share. I'm still in some sort of shock.
But today was such a beautiful day, I walked to school in the sunshine listening to Cat Stevens, then sat with Nolan in the exchange, walked down to the river with Paige to talk and talk, then went for a massive dumpster dive. In four days I might be allowed to eat solid foods again and in that case, those blueberries will be mine! I'm excited for that, and for the fact that the pain is gone, and I can walk and run and bike and leave my house and see my friends and that I spent all weekend doing nothing but art. I am so so so so happy. I couldn't be happier. I can't wait for tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next and every day that I have the energy to do everything I want and more and more!! I'm excited to meet Paige at Art City for pottery class.
Doctors are human, they make mistakes, and I can't be angry about that, but I can be incredibly grateful to be alive, and I am. Thanks universe, I guess it just wasn't my time. Not until I get to wade through the Indian ocean one last time. But just in case, I'll be mailing my will to my executor this week to make it an official legal document, instead of just directions for my mom. No sense in taking chances, you never know when it will all come to an end. Not today, but maybe tomorrow, and realistically, I need to be prepared for that.
Until then, I will be soaking up every drop of sunlight I can find. I'll be living like a healthy person lives. I'll be living.
I should have known better than to walk out of an emergency room with a prescription paper reading, drink peppermint tea. I should have known better than to allow a doctor to fill me with laxatives without answering my questions. I should have known better than to accept three litres of posion to be ingested into my system to "clear me out" when the strongest laxative on the market had no effect whatsoever and no doctor looked into a reasoning for this. I should have known better than to stay home waiting like the doctor suggested, letting the poison sit in my stomach for twenty-four hours until I was so swollen that I may as well have been carrying twins. I debated whether it was necessary to go back a fourth time to emergency, but listened to my instincts and wrote my will while I was in the waiting room.
Finally a doctor did a CT scan, discovered that my whole stomach lining was one big ulcer and the "constipation" was actually my intestines swollen shut. I had six weeks worth of undigested food trapped in my stomach, plus three litres of prescribed poison. Had I not returned when I did to get my stomach emptied, I would have died. I was in shock over this news, laughing about it when I retold the story, thinking how crazy life can be, and how funny it is that I had the instinct to write out a will while I waited, unknowingly, yet somehow I knew, hours away from my own death. I'm glad that I have such good common sense sometimes. I have too much money saved to let it go to waste based on medical errors and not having proper time to prepare. The reality of how close I came to not being here to type this entry didn't hit me until I heard my GI's tone of voice on the phone this afternoon and finally recognized the severity of the situation. I walked back into the classroom and tears started to pour. I finished the lecture with a scarf covering my face and went dumpster diving for food that I can't even eat, but can share. I'm still in some sort of shock.
But today was such a beautiful day, I walked to school in the sunshine listening to Cat Stevens, then sat with Nolan in the exchange, walked down to the river with Paige to talk and talk, then went for a massive dumpster dive. In four days I might be allowed to eat solid foods again and in that case, those blueberries will be mine! I'm excited for that, and for the fact that the pain is gone, and I can walk and run and bike and leave my house and see my friends and that I spent all weekend doing nothing but art. I am so so so so happy. I couldn't be happier. I can't wait for tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next and every day that I have the energy to do everything I want and more and more!! I'm excited to meet Paige at Art City for pottery class.
Doctors are human, they make mistakes, and I can't be angry about that, but I can be incredibly grateful to be alive, and I am. Thanks universe, I guess it just wasn't my time. Not until I get to wade through the Indian ocean one last time. But just in case, I'll be mailing my will to my executor this week to make it an official legal document, instead of just directions for my mom. No sense in taking chances, you never know when it will all come to an end. Not today, but maybe tomorrow, and realistically, I need to be prepared for that.
Until then, I will be soaking up every drop of sunlight I can find. I'll be living like a healthy person lives. I'll be living.