Mr. S
It has been quite a long time since the last time I posted. I think I may take it up again, for as someone noted, what you don't journal, is lost forever.
I would love to say that I have life figured out, that after years and years of being away from this journal, that I have returned with a glorious win in life. That is sadly, not the case.
Its strange, before the slew of bad choices I made in my life, this journal was one of the last things that I remember doing. I clearly did it often as well. Interesting.
Well, Let's see. I'm currently getting over a cold.
After serving at the food pantry for over 2 and a half years, I have decided to take a sabbatical. I normally would scream, "No!" and fight against any odds, but in this case, those odds are my vocal cords not getting better, and me having peace about the mention of taking a break during the winter season. My voice does need the rest, and I had been praying that God save my voice, so maybe this is an answer to prayer.
I am dealing with the affections I have for Mr S.
Mr. S, is a kind soul, with a big laugh capable of filling a room with its warmth. He has a gentle gaze that looks deep into you, past your fleshy exterior, straight into your soul. He has a deep voice, very calming and soothing, and a fantastic sense of humor. He uses sarcasm freely and is very vibrant with the way the way he sometimes communicates using only facial expressions. When he talks about something that he is passionate about, his eyes light up and he goes on long, unintended tangents. At a wedding we both attended (me as a guest and him as the photographer) I looked over, and I saw the most beautiful expression on his face, with a single tear rolling down his cheek. It was enough to make your heart beat fast and hard. Mr. S is a soul who desires marriage. He is very susceptible to getting hurt because he puts himself out there so easily (I wish I knew how to do that.) He's introverted and prefers to spend time away from large crowds, preferring small groups or one on one hangouts and long conversations. (Can't argue with that, I feel the same.) Mr. S, he has a heart so strongly and firmly planted in the dominion of the Lord's will, and its beautiful. Even after dying and coming back, and waking with the knowledge he is not where he was, that he had been someplace better, still he treks on, seeking God's will for his life, and grateful for the opportunity to profess the gospel to all put in his path.
On a personal level, he and I do not hangout on a daily or even weekly basis. We have had deep conversations at times, and I have been very grateful for them. He has untold fathoms of wisdom sealed away in his mind, just itching for someone to need some guidance or advice, and he is always only to happy to share with any person, the plethora of said knowledge he has accumulated. He has also always encouraged me in my writing and has told me he will help me get published. He is truly, a one-of-a-kind friend. :) And, I found out, quite trustworthy.
Sometimes I wish I could simply tell Mr. S, how I feel. Well, I did, once. But only to ask him to help me pray away my feelings, that I could be a good and true friend to both him and his girlfriend (a very close friend and sister in Christ of mine.) Since then, they broke up, following a few months of dating, and I cannot help but wonder if there could ever be a future for him and I.
In the confines of my mind,
it plays out.
You and I dance,
and upon gazing into my eyes,
you see me, really see me.
And in that instance you grasp,
a tiny understanding of all that I am.
You see past my struggles,
past my flesh,
and you love me, and you pursue me.
And I love you with a love,
stronger than that of what they write about,
of that which they speak about.
I love you selflessly with a love
more than the love the world knows of.
And time stops, for time has no bearing on love,
and days pass by, and for whatever amount of time,
the amount of time have we,
it will never be enough,
yet, a moment loving you,
would be worth all the other moments this world could offer.
I am smart enough to know to wait for a man that would pursue me. Yet, I am dreamer enough to desire it to be Mr. S. But, Mr. S, doesn't know that. I had asked him for prayer recently, and upon informing him of how it had helped me, I also let him know I was only texting him as a friend and nothing more as his gf was my closest friend. All of that is true of course, but I can't help but wonder if the whole reason I did that was to put up a wall to avoid getting hurt. I do tend to use walls whenever applicable.
Thank goodness it is GOD's will be done, not Stephanie's. In a world where one woman has a thousand struggles, one God, is capable of handling them and being more than enough, while knowing what she needs and when she needs it, and meeting those needs.
I would love to end up with Mr. S, and that will most certainly make it into the diary if it happens. However, today, I am not holding my breath. Today the sun is beautiful and calling me to write for a spell. So I think I shall.
I would love to say that I have life figured out, that after years and years of being away from this journal, that I have returned with a glorious win in life. That is sadly, not the case.
Its strange, before the slew of bad choices I made in my life, this journal was one of the last things that I remember doing. I clearly did it often as well. Interesting.
Well, Let's see. I'm currently getting over a cold.
After serving at the food pantry for over 2 and a half years, I have decided to take a sabbatical. I normally would scream, "No!" and fight against any odds, but in this case, those odds are my vocal cords not getting better, and me having peace about the mention of taking a break during the winter season. My voice does need the rest, and I had been praying that God save my voice, so maybe this is an answer to prayer.
I am dealing with the affections I have for Mr S.
Mr. S, is a kind soul, with a big laugh capable of filling a room with its warmth. He has a gentle gaze that looks deep into you, past your fleshy exterior, straight into your soul. He has a deep voice, very calming and soothing, and a fantastic sense of humor. He uses sarcasm freely and is very vibrant with the way the way he sometimes communicates using only facial expressions. When he talks about something that he is passionate about, his eyes light up and he goes on long, unintended tangents. At a wedding we both attended (me as a guest and him as the photographer) I looked over, and I saw the most beautiful expression on his face, with a single tear rolling down his cheek. It was enough to make your heart beat fast and hard. Mr. S is a soul who desires marriage. He is very susceptible to getting hurt because he puts himself out there so easily (I wish I knew how to do that.) He's introverted and prefers to spend time away from large crowds, preferring small groups or one on one hangouts and long conversations. (Can't argue with that, I feel the same.) Mr. S, he has a heart so strongly and firmly planted in the dominion of the Lord's will, and its beautiful. Even after dying and coming back, and waking with the knowledge he is not where he was, that he had been someplace better, still he treks on, seeking God's will for his life, and grateful for the opportunity to profess the gospel to all put in his path.
On a personal level, he and I do not hangout on a daily or even weekly basis. We have had deep conversations at times, and I have been very grateful for them. He has untold fathoms of wisdom sealed away in his mind, just itching for someone to need some guidance or advice, and he is always only to happy to share with any person, the plethora of said knowledge he has accumulated. He has also always encouraged me in my writing and has told me he will help me get published. He is truly, a one-of-a-kind friend. :) And, I found out, quite trustworthy.
Sometimes I wish I could simply tell Mr. S, how I feel. Well, I did, once. But only to ask him to help me pray away my feelings, that I could be a good and true friend to both him and his girlfriend (a very close friend and sister in Christ of mine.) Since then, they broke up, following a few months of dating, and I cannot help but wonder if there could ever be a future for him and I.
In the confines of my mind,
it plays out.
You and I dance,
and upon gazing into my eyes,
you see me, really see me.
And in that instance you grasp,
a tiny understanding of all that I am.
You see past my struggles,
past my flesh,
and you love me, and you pursue me.
And I love you with a love,
stronger than that of what they write about,
of that which they speak about.
I love you selflessly with a love
more than the love the world knows of.
And time stops, for time has no bearing on love,
and days pass by, and for whatever amount of time,
the amount of time have we,
it will never be enough,
yet, a moment loving you,
would be worth all the other moments this world could offer.
I am smart enough to know to wait for a man that would pursue me. Yet, I am dreamer enough to desire it to be Mr. S. But, Mr. S, doesn't know that. I had asked him for prayer recently, and upon informing him of how it had helped me, I also let him know I was only texting him as a friend and nothing more as his gf was my closest friend. All of that is true of course, but I can't help but wonder if the whole reason I did that was to put up a wall to avoid getting hurt. I do tend to use walls whenever applicable.
Thank goodness it is GOD's will be done, not Stephanie's. In a world where one woman has a thousand struggles, one God, is capable of handling them and being more than enough, while knowing what she needs and when she needs it, and meeting those needs.
I would love to end up with Mr. S, and that will most certainly make it into the diary if it happens. However, today, I am not holding my breath. Today the sun is beautiful and calling me to write for a spell. So I think I shall.