(no subject)
So I thought I had a handle on things. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted out of life. Then recently, it all came crashing down. I have no idea what I am currently doing, let alone what I am supposed to be doing. I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be there either. If that makes any sense. I realize my biggest problems are two...Numbness and lack of spirituality. Which both I used to own the remedies too. So here I sit, asking how I get back to that? Numbness has made me distant, so distant that I don't even feel myself sometimes. This curse hurts my love life the most. I am rotten! I have had one of the most incredible men this earth has ever created. I still have this man. Even though I have trampled his heart, lied, and disrespected what he so graciously gave me. Due to numbness.... I look back at past relationships, and honestly, I can pin point the exact moment I said fuck it. Through an adventure of failed relationships and a combination of bitter goodbyes. Ever since that moment I have just blindly and numbly jumped from bed to bed. Until I met him. Mr. Increbible....I remember I pursued him 3 years ago. It took some convincing but he came around, and eventually, I dropped the multiple guys I had been casually seeing. I felt myself falling in love, but stopped the feelings before they could materialize. Machanically I went through the motions of what everyone including him thought were signs of a great relationship. But all the while in the back of my mind I questioned my love, I decided I was comfortable and would fix the problem later. As we all know, lovers get bored, and I slipped up. He forgave me.