Half & Half
I think I've hit the half and half stage - I'm floating somewhere between male and female.
I have a woman's waist, but I also have a male's waist. My tummy fat still hasn't all moved down! I purchased new male pants that will fit at that new length.
I definitely have breasts. While relatively small compared to my body frame, they are more difficult to hide.
I tried athletic compression shirts. Unfortunately, after a couple of hours, they cause breast pain. After six hours, it's more difficult to breathe. I'm not sure if that's psychological or if my diaphragm is actually getting tired. So I had to abandon that idea. Now I wear primarily dark single-color shirts - two layers with the outside layer pulled out from my pants a bit to make it more baggy.
My skin is softer still. I have to be very careful when I shave. It's very easy to nick my neck even with an electric shaver. My nails have gotten much thinner and I'm constantly damaging them. Again, I'm going to have to modify my own behavior to prevent that.
Also, my mentality is adjusting to my new body. I find it incredibly interesting.
My brain was always wired as a woman's brain is, but I was cocooned in a male body. That cocoon played a large part in my ability to "hold together" my male frame-of-thought, my mask if you will. As my body changes, that mask deteriorates. As you can guess, I'm extremely happy about that.
While I dislike the idea of using names to distinguish personality traits, I do so because it's easily understandable. About a month ago, the male mask started to come off - I started to think as Stephanie. This is a gradual process that will be continuing for a long time. When in a "threatening" situation the mask goes back on again. I don't think I'll really be myself until I actually transition in the real world. Heck, probably not for a year or two after that!
Example of mental adaptation:
Near the beginning, my wife wanted to make me more comfortable while wearing women's clothes. She said that I should just view wearing male clothes as cross-dressing. At the time, I could not get over that hurdle. When I looked in the mirror I looked like the stereotypical guy in girl's clothes. For me it was never about the clothes anyway, it was about identity. Now, I really do view wearing men's clothes as cross dressing. Women's clothes are getting more and more comfortable and sometimes, I feel I can almost look okay in them. Of course, the need for more laser destroys any illusions I might have.
Another issue it affects is body congruity. While I was in my male cocoon I felt okay about my body. (I guess I could say that my mask felt okay about my body.) I could take pride in looking nice and sharp as a guy. That is no longer the case. The more I look like a guy, the sadder I feel. When I'm in the house or with friends, I wear more ambiguous clothes - clothes that either a guy or girl could wear. I'm more comfortable that way.
This also impacts how I feel about the remaining mail traits I have. They may have always felt incongruous with my mind, but now that my body is actually changing, falling into line with what my brain is actually expecting, I find myself feeling more at odds with the remaining male traits.
So that's where I am.
I've been super busy with kids and work and haven't had a chance to go to a support meeting. I'm hoping to go to one sometime soon. Frankly I just need to talk. I think it would help.
I have a woman's waist, but I also have a male's waist. My tummy fat still hasn't all moved down! I purchased new male pants that will fit at that new length.
I definitely have breasts. While relatively small compared to my body frame, they are more difficult to hide.
I tried athletic compression shirts. Unfortunately, after a couple of hours, they cause breast pain. After six hours, it's more difficult to breathe. I'm not sure if that's psychological or if my diaphragm is actually getting tired. So I had to abandon that idea. Now I wear primarily dark single-color shirts - two layers with the outside layer pulled out from my pants a bit to make it more baggy.
My skin is softer still. I have to be very careful when I shave. It's very easy to nick my neck even with an electric shaver. My nails have gotten much thinner and I'm constantly damaging them. Again, I'm going to have to modify my own behavior to prevent that.
Also, my mentality is adjusting to my new body. I find it incredibly interesting.
My brain was always wired as a woman's brain is, but I was cocooned in a male body. That cocoon played a large part in my ability to "hold together" my male frame-of-thought, my mask if you will. As my body changes, that mask deteriorates. As you can guess, I'm extremely happy about that.
While I dislike the idea of using names to distinguish personality traits, I do so because it's easily understandable. About a month ago, the male mask started to come off - I started to think as Stephanie. This is a gradual process that will be continuing for a long time. When in a "threatening" situation the mask goes back on again. I don't think I'll really be myself until I actually transition in the real world. Heck, probably not for a year or two after that!
Example of mental adaptation:
Near the beginning, my wife wanted to make me more comfortable while wearing women's clothes. She said that I should just view wearing male clothes as cross-dressing. At the time, I could not get over that hurdle. When I looked in the mirror I looked like the stereotypical guy in girl's clothes. For me it was never about the clothes anyway, it was about identity. Now, I really do view wearing men's clothes as cross dressing. Women's clothes are getting more and more comfortable and sometimes, I feel I can almost look okay in them. Of course, the need for more laser destroys any illusions I might have.
Another issue it affects is body congruity. While I was in my male cocoon I felt okay about my body. (I guess I could say that my mask felt okay about my body.) I could take pride in looking nice and sharp as a guy. That is no longer the case. The more I look like a guy, the sadder I feel. When I'm in the house or with friends, I wear more ambiguous clothes - clothes that either a guy or girl could wear. I'm more comfortable that way.
This also impacts how I feel about the remaining mail traits I have. They may have always felt incongruous with my mind, but now that my body is actually changing, falling into line with what my brain is actually expecting, I find myself feeling more at odds with the remaining male traits.
So that's where I am.
I've been super busy with kids and work and haven't had a chance to go to a support meeting. I'm hoping to go to one sometime soon. Frankly I just need to talk. I think it would help.