EXECUTIVE SUMMARY
I’m in the process of writing a book in order to assist in coming out. I’d appreciate if you could review the Executive Summary, which is intended to give an overall summary of the book. It also describes the following chapters.
First, Phebe and I will come out to the person we’re talking to and have a discussion. We will give them the book at the end to help answer questions for them. We will also be open to any further questions they ask.
Remember that this book is in flux and we’re in the process of writing it. The intended audience is close friends and family, and there will be some customization for each group. Actually, the first people to see this book will be my martial arts instructors (they are like a family). My martial arts class does have body to body contact, and I may have to explain changes in my body before the end of the year.
One reader pointed out that this does not address the workplace. That’s not the intention of this document. It could be adapted for the workplace, but that will depend on my employment at the time.
This book is large and contains a lot of information. I scanned the web and most information did not have references. They would say, “Research has shown,” or “People have said.” I hate that and wanted to actually have a strong basis for my discussions. While you won’t see any references in the Executive Summary, the document already has over 60 footnotes.
As I complete drafts of each section, I will be posting them for comments. I want this to be the best document possible.
Please note that Steve & Phebe Reyes are not our real names. They are pseudonyms for use on the internet.
Executive Summary
Hello. If you are reading this, you know the Reyes family either as a family relation, through close friendship, or by working along side one of them.
Before we say anything else, it is important for you to know that Steve & Phebe are staying together. While it was a significant ordeal to overcome, it proves that they truly have unconditional love for one another. At this time, the children do not know, and it is vital that you do not let them know until Steve & Phebe decide it is time. This will be explained later.
This document, a thorough mixing of original writing, scientific research, and advice from others, hopefully offers you a clear look into what the Reyes family is dealing with. Specifically the family is dealing with the Gender Identity Disorder of the father, Steve Reyes. Gender Identity Disorder (GID) is also known as Gender Dysphoria, or more colloquially, transsexualism.
Steve Reyes is a transsexual, which roughly means that his brain says he is female, while his birth gender is clearly male. This gives rise to cognitive dissonance. The longer the cognitive dissonance is in place, the greater the psychological damaging effects. Fortunately, through considerable willpower and the help of distractions, damage has been minimal, though the cognitive dissonance had to end. Already, Steve has gone through psychotherapy to confirm the Gender Identity Disorder diagnosis and is seeing a doctor for treatment of the condition.
Thus, Steve Reyes is transitioning (changing his sex) from male to female in a very controlled and long process. It’s not going to be happening tomorrow, next month, or even next year. The process will take years, and the actually transition phase when he comes out to the world is several years away.
One of the obvious things it will require is a name change. In this case, from Steve Reyes to Stephanie Reyes, but until Steve actually transitions, his name and gender pronouns should continue to be masculine. Once transition occurs, his name and gender pronouns should reflect her new gender (as the pronouns have in this sentence).
You need to understand that Steve is the same person as before. The fact that he has GID does not affect his personality. He’s just as competent as before and he likes the same things. However, he has been struggling with cognitive dissonance related to his gender identity for decades, and it was bound to come out. Now it is coming out, but in a controlled fashion.
You also need to understand that Steve and Phebe have been keeping this secret until people need to know. Because you don’t know isn’t a reflection of what they think of you, or how much they love you. It’s simply been a private matter and they are not ready to come out yet.
Also, transsexualism is not about sex. Sometimes the television and movies mix up the terminology. Cross-dressers (transvestism) are generally heterosexual men who like to dress in women’s clothes. This may have a sexual focus associated with it (fetishistic transvestism) or may not. There are also drag queens that perform cross-dressed for a living. Neither cross-dressers nor professional drag queens think of themselves as female. They want to be a men, but express some feminine feelings. GID is about wanting to be a woman both in public and physically.
At this point, you probably have this document because you’ve been able to discern a pattern or noticed physical changes, and have consequently asked questions that are hitting close to home. Instead of ignoring or lying about it consistently, we decided to write up a comprehensive booklet to answer all of your questions that we may not have answered when we first talked about it with you.
Currently, Phebe knows, but the children do not. Please respect our wishes and our efforts to prepare the children for this drastic change within the family. Not only do they have to deal with their own psychological stress of having their father change genders, they will have to deal with social fallout of that change within their neighborhood and at school. We don’t want to accelerate the difficulties that they will encounter. Also, the rest of the Steve and Phebe’s family do not know: not parents, not brothers and sisters, and no extended family.
We understand that this puts you in a delicate and precarious position. You are privy to information that could seriously damage the Reyes family if it gets out. We hope you understand this means that we’re showing you considerable love and deep friendship in sharing this with you.
While GID can be devastating in many ways, you also need to understand that this will make Steve a happy person. He has been depressed all his life. Although their may be some mourning because of the change, there should be happiness too. In fact, we want to inject some humor into the topic.
Really, we admit, it’s a very strange thing to change genders. We can lighten up and have some fun during this transition. As an example, we’re inserting several cartoons that were drawn by other transgender people that we found on the web. Some of them had their words modified to make it more appropriate to Steve’s situation. Enjoy them and laugh!
This document consists of multiple chapters and appendices that will help you to understand Gender Identity Disorder, as well as the past, present, and future of the Reyes family and what this means to them. It’s a very personal look at the Reyes family, but we believe it’s necessary for you to really understand what’s going on. Please read the document, and feel free to ask questions. We firmly believe that knowledge is the path to acceptance and deeper bonding.
This resource is for YOU. Use it as you see fit, but out of respect for our privacy, do not distribute it to anyone else. You do not need to read the chapters in order - read the chapters or appendices that you think you have the most questions. You can read it in order, but skip chapters that don’t interest you. This book is for you to use.
The first chapter, Definitions, explains the various words used throughout this document that you may be unfamiliar with or may only know the colloquial definition of.
Chapter 2 is called, “Why is Steve doing this?” Since this is most likely your first question, we thought this should be addressed first. This attempts to describe the basic reason why we feel transition is necessary. It also addresses Reparative Therapy.
Chapter 3, Your Feelings, attempts to understand your feelings regarding this transitional phase. It’s understandable that you may feel hurt and confused, thinking that the person you’ve known for so long is actually a stranger. We try to address that and other emotions you may be feeling.
Chapter 4, Addressing the General Media Representation, looks at the representations of transsexuals in the media you might have seen, both past and present, and critiques them.
Chapter 5, The Science of Transsexualism, goes into some detail about what transsexualism is, the most likely causes of transsexualism, and associated psychological issues.
Chapter 6, Steve Reyes’s Personal History & Psychology, gives you an in-depth, behind-the-scenes look at Steve Reyes’s life up to now, and shows the suffering incurred through denial.
Chapter 7, Phebe’s Story, gives you the other side of the coin, and shows how deep our love is to survive the transition.
Chapter 8, The Reyes Family - Present & Future, discusses Steve & Phebe’s plan for how they will proceed with ‘baby steps’ in coming out, and the long time frame before that process begins.
Chapter 9, Names & Pronouns, goes over how to address Steve/Stephanie in the past, present, and future.
Chapter 10, Transitioning 101, describes what Steve has already gone through, and some of Stephanie’s options as she continues down this path in the future.
Chapter 11, Privacy, is a discussion of being ‘outed’ either unintentionally or intentionally by those that know, and the consequences of being outed. It also discusses some issues that should remain private.
Chapter 12, Transphobia, deals with many of the myths associate with transgenderism of any form. It deals with some basic religious objections to transgenderism, and it also gives recent examples of unscientific, opinion-slanted news stories and violence against transgender people.
Chapter 13, Helping the Reyes Family, goes into some of the ways that you can help the Reyes family get through this transitional phase successfully.
The appendices give much more detailed information regarding specific subjects and are often references in the main chapters, but they are optional reading that allow you to go more in depth in a variety of subjects.
Appendix A lists a variety of resources for family and friends of the Reyes family. It includes support groups, internet links, suggested books, documentaries, etc.
Appendix B is a medical and psychological FAQ. It gives much more detailed information than Chapter 3.
Appendix C is a legal FAQ that describe various legal hurdles related to Steve & Phebe, and the additional legal hurdles that Phebe and Stephanie will face.
Appendix D is a Transsexualism FAQ that should address most of the questions you have regarding transsexualism in general.
Appendix E goes into detail about various religions and their attitudes towards transsexualism. Particularly addressed are Biblical quotations often used to discriminate against transgender people.
Appendix F gives numerous current examples of news portraying transgenderism in a bad light, violence towards transsexuals, transsexual suicide, and then happily wraps up with examples of the good things that are happening within society.
Appendix G is a copy of letters from Steve’s therapist and doctor regarding his transsexualism.
Appendix H is a bibliography containing all references to works utilized in this document and a short description of them. This is in addition to the numerous footnotes you will see. We did considerable research, and we want it clearly documented.