MIRROR MIRROR
When I was first studying transsexualism in the 1980’s, I generally had only had access to books from the 60’s and 70’s. Their general frame of mind was that there were few FTM’s compared to the number of MTF’s. At the time, it made sense in my own mind.
There was no online community. I didn’t yet have a fancy 300 baud modem or access to CompuServe or Delphi. I was a teenager living in a conservative area and had no idea about the BGLT community.
From that perspective, I just couldn’t see why someone would be an FTM. Why would they want the ultra-competitive and comparatively violent world of men?
That was the way I thought, even though it didn’t make sense: If it was a lifestyle choice like so many people believe, it would be more logical that there would be way more FTM’s than MTF’s. What wouldn’t be attractive? Get a higher salary, become stronger, better chance of being promoted, etc.
Then the 90’s rolled in, as did BBS’s and the internet. I could acknowledge that there were probably a more significant number of FTMs than I thought, but the internet was still nascent and so were its’ communities.
In 2007, I started doing real research and was surprised to find that the numbers of FTM’s were roughly equal to MTF’s. Scientifically, it made sense, but I still hadn't internalized it. Then I started going to support meetings every once in a while.
It wasn’t until just recently that I comprehended what was staring me in the face. I was at a local trans social meeting. One of the FTM’s, Colton, was hosting a self-defense class for transgendered people - something I’m interested in.
Before things really began, men were separated from the women. In the women’s room, they were really talking about the dark side that some transgendered women get caught in. It was really personal stuff, and I wasn’t really comfortable with it, so I went outside and listened to the transmen.
With almost 40 years of ‘inside’ information on men, and then listening to the transmen talk, I was able to quickly determine that these people really were men inside - just like I was a woman on the inside.
They were talking and acting like men would (perhaps slightly exaggerated, but I really attribute that to the young age of the men in question). It’s strange, because in the women’s group, I’m not sure if non-trans people listening in would hear a group of women.
Maybe it’s because I still don’t truly accept myself as female that I don’t really perceive the entire group to be women. Then again, I present as a man there (and everywhere else), so maybe it’s just me that doesn’t fit in. Also, I don’t have the references to determine if we sound like women or not. I’ve never been in a group of women as a woman.
Regardless, it was really good for me to observe the transmen interacting with each other. I realized and psychologically internalized that they were exactly like me, just going in the opposite direction.