UNCONSCIOUS UNCTION
I’m trying to understand the unconscious and how my lack of conscious processing is inhibiting my growth. Ugh. I hate this language. I hate psychology. Anyway, let’s see what I’m learning.
All quotes are from: “A Guide to Psychology and its Practice." I know it doesn’t have all the answers, it just has good plain English explanations.
“Common ways of protecting ourselves emotionally were called mechanisms by Sigmund Freud. When seen in pathological settings, these mechanisms can technically be called defense mechanisms; when seen in everyday life, they can be more properly called dynamic mechanisms. Modern psychiatry, however, uses the term defense mechanism in both pathological and everyday settings.”
“Unhealthy defenses often become a focus of psychotherapy in the quest to overcome inhibitions to emotional genuineness. Through the hard work of psychotherapy you can learn to bring into conscious awareness all the threatening thoughts, feelings, memories, wishes, and fears pushed out of consciousness by your defenses. Once these inner experiences are properly understood consciously, you can begin to live an emotionally open and honest life, and your unhealthy defenses will dissolve because they will no longer have any useful function.”
I recognize now that I first dealt with this through the Distorting Defense of Autistic Fantasy. This is where you withdraw into excessive day dreaming. Heck, when I was eight or nine, I used to bounce a ball for hours withdrawing into daydreams. When I realized that the ball bouncing was too ‘unusual’ to keep doing, I switched to spinning a stick in my own room. The mindless mechanical motion made it easy to slip into fantastic daydreams, not only of gender but of stories of science-fiction and fantasy in my own head. This behavior lasted, to a gradually declining extent, into my mid-20’s. I slowly changed this behavior as I aged.
It transformed into the Distorting Defense of Devaluation in order to deal with the increased cognitive dissonance of puberty. Here’s an explanation:
“You tell yourself that something desirable but immediately unattainable is somehow defective. For example, the fox in Aesop’s fable tells himself that the grapes out of his reach are probably sour. Hence the expression ‘sour grapes.’”
This makes sense. I can’t be a woman (or even like a woman in the near-term), so while I know it’s a desire, I believe that the goal is ‘bad’. I often say that “I’m having bad thoughts.” The bad refers to the transgendered thoughts.
Phebe, my wife, keeps telling me not to think this way. As usual, she’s right - it’s not the healthy to think. Intellectually, I know that I’m transsexual and that it’s normal for me to be having those thoughts, but they are still tainted. I know that’s not right, but I also recognize that overcoming decades of this behavior isn’t going to happen overnight.
I think I may also mix this in with another Distorting Defense called Omnipotence. This refers to imbuing of yourself with abilities superior to others. I always thought I’d have the willpower to defeat this inner demon that tortured me. Sadly, I am human. On the net and in person, many people believe that my future actions are a nigh-forgone conclusion. As if Fate stepped in and my path is now fixed. I struggle, but I can only hold off Fate for so long.
Yet, I still believe I can control it. Is that bravado on my part? Or is it the psychological issue of Omnipotence?
Now I’ve also heard that unfulfilled unconscious desires can create health problems. I happen to have high blood pressure. Weight and history have something to do with it, but maybe if I get these feelings out and deal with them (even if I don’t totally transition), then perhaps it will lower my blood pressure by a few points. I’ll take the benefits where they can be had!
Of course, I know all this intellectually. But here’s a catch: “the problem with unconscious conflicts is that you can’t cure someone just by telling him or her what’s happening unconsciously.”
The difference here is that I’m trying to work it out. I’m asking for help from Phebe, from my therapist, and from you, the transgender community. This journal really does help. It’s a way of sorting out my feelings.
Now, as I continue to analyze, I do feel sorrow. Sorrow for the behavior - of hiding everything trans all my life. I think that’s why I feel I want to tell everyone. Unlike before, I now feel bad about not letting people know the truth (though I always felt bad that I could never tell Phebe).
Apparently after sorrow, there are a few steps to take. Interpreting them from a trans perspective, it’s essentially coming ‘out’ to everyone, recognizing the impact of your own behavior, understanding their feelings, etc, etc.
I’m not entirely sure it is applicable in my case, but since none of us can predict, we’ll just have to see what Fate actually has in store for us.