STILL A MAN
Over the past several weeks, I’ve slowly come to the realization that I’m pretty much maxed out on my current level of changes. And that’s not much. I’ve been taking detailed measurements. I’ve also been taking photos to monitor the change.
Now that it’s been over seven months, I’ve done a before and after view. Yes, there are some physical changes, but they are not significant. I’ve increased in bust size, but the increase in size follows a more masculine pattern - as if I was fatter than I actually am. Also, there have been no changes with my nipples/areolas. There has been some hair reduction, but it’s very minimal.
I’ve taken a look at seven months because most transwomen say that it’s around this time that it becomes more difficult to pass as a man. I was surprised, since Episode 18 of Trans-Ponder was almost talking to me when they addressed someone’s email regarding this subject. Obviously, this is not the case for me due to my high levels of testosterone. Allow me to explain.
My current dosages are 200mg of spiro and 4mg of estradiol daily. This yields a current testosterone level of almost 300. That’s on the low-end of the male range of testosterone levels. Female testosterone levels are generally below 70, and usually below 40. So of course I haven’t really been ‘feminized’ by HRT. With my current dosage, I’m still hormonally male. Heck, I’m by that measure, I’m four times the man any woman is!
Illogically, I’m disappointed. I wanted to look more like a woman. It’s my fault though. I should have paid more attention to my testosterone level, and adjusted my expectations based on that. Still, this works for me now given the job situation. Before I advance my levels of estrogen, I at least need to get a job that pays very well for my family since I’m the primary bread-winner. Fortunately, that should only be a few months away.
But that’s not enough. Phebe and I need to be in agreement. True, we thought that I would change when I originally took the hormones, but that was then. Now we know more, and we can make a more educated choice.
The changes that have occurred are really good for me. It has allowed me to think much more clearly, without that male fog of sex always being on the mind. For 3-4 weeks, when Phebe and I were still figuring things out, I dropped my estradiol to 2mg/day. After a couple of weeks, I started getting the fog of sex again, and I just couldn’t take it. I couldn’t stay on the lower dose. I switched back to normal dosage, and I started feeling psychologically better. I think Phebe was correct (as always): once I take a step forward on this path, I may never be able to turn back. The best I can do is hold the line. This is why these decisions have to made very critically, with a good idea of what the consequences are.
My doctor says that I can go onto cyclic progesterone any time I want, and I’m really thinking about that. I admit that I want to do it. It won’t help with new development, but it may help feminizing my current changes. It is controversial, but both my wife and my doctor suggested it. With Phebe suggesting it, I guess I should discuss it.
The next step in HRT could be 8mg of estradiol, but my doctor has stated that he wants me to go onto injections. This may be due to the potential liver damage involved with oral estrogens. He did say that I would achieve better results at equivalent dosage with the injections. Either way, this creates both excitement and fear in my mind.
The fear is simply because I don’t know how it will play out socially. I’d prefer to stay in the closet even with the changes, but from everything I hear, some 6-9 months after I take that first shot I’ll have to start dealing with questions from some people. The worst to ask would be my Mom and my children. While I’ll continue to stay in the closet, Phebe and I will have to be prepared.
The excitement is that bringing my testosterone to female levels would be able to lift some of the burden of gender dysphoria from my mind (see previous blog). Maybe I’d just feel normal! I just want to feel normal.