Emotional Fender-Bender
In Episode 2, Trans-Ponder said that starting HRT could start an emotional train wreck about 3-4 weeks into HRT. Now I'm not taking full dosage at present. I'm on 200mg spiro and 4mg estradiol. So I don’t think the trainwreck happened to me, but I think I’m in the middle of an emotional fender-bender about six months into it.
While I was starting HRT, my wife, Phebe, and I were still working things out. We were both crying, but it was situation-appropriate. There were no bouts of crying at commercials, etc.
It seems that it’s only now that I’m having some emotional turmoil. I’ve become anxious about innocent things. After the anxiety builds up I’ve cried it off twice now. I sometimes cry when I’m just generally happy or when I’m thinking ‘bad thoughts’ about how selfish my transition is.
I seem to be changing emotions rapidly. Phebe and I went to the grocery store. I was happy, almost giddy, when I went in, then I started feeling down in the middle, and by the time we were ready to leave, I felt guilty because I wanted to look at the flowers.
Now it’s affecting how I deal with the children. I snapped at my son for no good reason and said something to hurt his feelings without even thinking about it. I apologized afterwards, but that doesn’t make it better.
This is kind of scary to me. All my life I’ve been proud of my iron-bound control of emotion and thought. Heck, it’s one of the reasons why I would never have considered psychotropic drugs. Now it’s like I’m losing that control.
I’m hoping I'm encountering my emotional train wreck. For the Trans-Ponder hosts, it lasted about a month. I hope that is all it is. Maybe it will clear up before Thanksgiving.
I can see the potential good side of it as well. Once I work out these emotions, than maybe it’s a step towards finding my real personality. Then I think of what I said to my son and I worry… what if the real me is just a bitch?
Aside: I've listened to all of them, but Trans-Ponder episode 2 really put together a lot of information along a good timeline. I'd highly recommend it for those thinking of starting down this path, or who are early into it. I'd love to see someone with good internet skill write up a good survey of what happens when.