help i'm listening to hanson make it stop
"Do you miss it?"
I took a while to answer. I crossed my feet up under me and switched the phone to the other ear. When I closed my eyes, there were a million scenes racing through my mind - fun times on the ice with Aaron, the time we got interviewed and got to sit next to Jamie & Dave and i had a coronary, calling her from a pay phone in Paris, the disaster the last time I skated competivitely, having races on the ice with Tan & Ben, junior national champs, failing when the stakes were highest, potential potential potential, crunching my knee, landing my first triple sal, the way it felt to land a picture perfect throw, skating little wing without a single noticeable mistake, perky ponytails and made up faces, crowded rooms and best friends, long plane rides, bruises and bumps, getting up at 5 in the morning to try to become someone...someone I'm not. So I took a deep breath. "I miss you, Libby. And I miss being home. But I don't miss skating."
That was the first time I said it...and meant it. It's been a long road to get here, and it's been hard to swallow. Skating put me on the road to find out who I am...but a skater is not who I am. It was just a step on the journey.
Sometimes, little sisters are incredible. Nine year olds aren't supposed to change your life...but she just did. This afternoon.
I had to go for a walk after that...I had to get out. The truth is that the truth sometimes hurts. I feel like I wasted so much time, so many tears over this...if only I had known what was going to happen, would I have stuck with it for so long?
And what about Aaron? He was so patient with me...he thought I was a skater. He thought I was just the same as him. But the truth is that he is a skater and I feel so bad for the time that he wasted with me. What if he doesn't get to live out his dreams...because of me?
It makes me sick, and it makes me relieved, and it makes me want to go to sleep for the next 3 days. At least.
*Steph*
I took a while to answer. I crossed my feet up under me and switched the phone to the other ear. When I closed my eyes, there were a million scenes racing through my mind - fun times on the ice with Aaron, the time we got interviewed and got to sit next to Jamie & Dave and i had a coronary, calling her from a pay phone in Paris, the disaster the last time I skated competivitely, having races on the ice with Tan & Ben, junior national champs, failing when the stakes were highest, potential potential potential, crunching my knee, landing my first triple sal, the way it felt to land a picture perfect throw, skating little wing without a single noticeable mistake, perky ponytails and made up faces, crowded rooms and best friends, long plane rides, bruises and bumps, getting up at 5 in the morning to try to become someone...someone I'm not. So I took a deep breath. "I miss you, Libby. And I miss being home. But I don't miss skating."
That was the first time I said it...and meant it. It's been a long road to get here, and it's been hard to swallow. Skating put me on the road to find out who I am...but a skater is not who I am. It was just a step on the journey.
Sometimes, little sisters are incredible. Nine year olds aren't supposed to change your life...but she just did. This afternoon.
I had to go for a walk after that...I had to get out. The truth is that the truth sometimes hurts. I feel like I wasted so much time, so many tears over this...if only I had known what was going to happen, would I have stuck with it for so long?
And what about Aaron? He was so patient with me...he thought I was a skater. He thought I was just the same as him. But the truth is that he is a skater and I feel so bad for the time that he wasted with me. What if he doesn't get to live out his dreams...because of me?
It makes me sick, and it makes me relieved, and it makes me want to go to sleep for the next 3 days. At least.
*Steph*