you let me down

[stephanie_grace]

okay. i hate today. i hate everything it seems like. i shouldn't feel like this. i took those awful stupid pills to avoid this feeling. i fucking hate it. i know i'm not as alone as i feel. i know things aren't as bad as i feel that they are. i know i'm loved. i know i have amazing friends. i know my life isn't that bad...and yet, none of that is enough for me today. i feel that i want something more. and just when i think that i've realized what that 'more' is that i want i realize that its not. i want to go back to years ago and make different decisions, and i know that is impossible. anthony is getting out of prison in two months, which makes me super happy and sad all at the same time. i know he must hate it there and he really wants to come home, but with him there - i'm much happier. i don't have to worry about him shooting too much fucking dope and killing himself. i don't have to worry about whether or not i'm going to try to trick myself into going to see him when i know that i shouldn't. so i know its very selfish, but i like him there. and i know i shouldn't be letting this drive me insane, but i am. maybe i'm just insane lately. the shirt i'm wearing is wet...thats how little i care for today. why do people let their hearts tell them what to do. if i had been smart, i never would have gotten involved with any of these fucking boys that drive me insane...fuck it.

i need to drink booze. mass amounts of it. i have a small amount, and a small amount of money...i'm quite sure i can end up drunk...but i don't want to do it alone. jeff is supposed to come over, but who knows with him. so someone should call me and come be drunk with me...fuck it, i'm off to find a park or something to get trashed in.