This is where it all started...
I was going through my old journals, to see some of my old material..and I started reading it all.
Like reading all of this...and If I didn't know myself, I would think I was deeply disturbed.
I know there's so much pain behind it, and I've gone through fuckin hell with everything. Like, I never knew I could hurt this bad, in just two years.
There's still so much going on, even fuckin crazier..But you know what..It molds me, and I am who I am..
And Im changing so fucking much..Like I don't have enough space to grow with everyone up my ass and everything so crazy..Its impossible. But I will find another loop hole to get through.
I really dig that im changing up for the better. I never thought I could grow up more than I have, but dude..I still have so much growing to do.
And its not like I wanna forget the past, although I want to at so many points.
And you know what...There's no list..you have been put first without plan or thought..another thing kills me is...I still see that your not any happier than you were a year ago. And you really need to take off the blind fold, so you can see how many people really care, and if you don't think so, I can at least promise you I care about you so fucking much. (In a totally platonic way) Not that I have never thought about something else..Im just not gonna kid myself, theres nothing there, not even a foundation to try.
I don't think there is a someone who can love you enough to take you where you wanna go..But there is something... Whatever happened to getting in the car and just keep driving. And its not running away if you say "Good bye, this is my life"
No one understands? No one cares?
There's someone who feels you somehow still its not from a one time meet, pretend love, with a dramatic twist of a movie scene moment, spun into reality.
You were a big part of my life, I never felt so complete and I never felt so empty. And It took forever to heal, but it taught me so much. Big part of my life..Just wish you were still apart of my life.
I wanted to let you know IM over you. It took so long, but I broke both my legs falling for you and now im back up...kinda getting knocked down by other shit. But nonetheless im up.
No matter what. I love you, Im here, and I don't care if you hate me. We have more than just a couple sappy moments, if you forgot..we had a connection, something with depth..which I took in consideration not forgetting.
And there's more to us than a big mistake, we have history.
Never forget that.
And if you wanna blow it off and say fuck it to all, then go back to living in your own bubble of pretend high hopes and dreams, and then you'll think...is it any realer than this...Or maybe you can convince yourself again that this is just nothing to worry about.
Its all convenience to you.
I mean I don't know much, but from then to now, you just seem softer and weaker. Like whatever happened to that kid who enjoyed the smallest moments and had the biggest expectations from a friendly's peanut butter sunday with no marshmallow or cherries to being something that you have fun doing everyday that you love, love so much you can feel it running through your vains..and you said good bye to life's routine soap opera that they call politically correct..Or did that drive away a long time ago too? and I guess it all meant something that it did rain as soon as you left.
Well, its your life, go where you want but don't go living it down or living it fake.
You are just you...and that's everything you need.
Just remember.
Im sorry...and your welcome.
Like reading all of this...and If I didn't know myself, I would think I was deeply disturbed.
I know there's so much pain behind it, and I've gone through fuckin hell with everything. Like, I never knew I could hurt this bad, in just two years.
There's still so much going on, even fuckin crazier..But you know what..It molds me, and I am who I am..
And Im changing so fucking much..Like I don't have enough space to grow with everyone up my ass and everything so crazy..Its impossible. But I will find another loop hole to get through.
I really dig that im changing up for the better. I never thought I could grow up more than I have, but dude..I still have so much growing to do.
And its not like I wanna forget the past, although I want to at so many points.
And you know what...There's no list..you have been put first without plan or thought..another thing kills me is...I still see that your not any happier than you were a year ago. And you really need to take off the blind fold, so you can see how many people really care, and if you don't think so, I can at least promise you I care about you so fucking much. (In a totally platonic way) Not that I have never thought about something else..Im just not gonna kid myself, theres nothing there, not even a foundation to try.
I don't think there is a someone who can love you enough to take you where you wanna go..But there is something... Whatever happened to getting in the car and just keep driving. And its not running away if you say "Good bye, this is my life"
No one understands? No one cares?
There's someone who feels you somehow still its not from a one time meet, pretend love, with a dramatic twist of a movie scene moment, spun into reality.
You were a big part of my life, I never felt so complete and I never felt so empty. And It took forever to heal, but it taught me so much. Big part of my life..Just wish you were still apart of my life.
I wanted to let you know IM over you. It took so long, but I broke both my legs falling for you and now im back up...kinda getting knocked down by other shit. But nonetheless im up.
No matter what. I love you, Im here, and I don't care if you hate me. We have more than just a couple sappy moments, if you forgot..we had a connection, something with depth..which I took in consideration not forgetting.
And there's more to us than a big mistake, we have history.
Never forget that.
And if you wanna blow it off and say fuck it to all, then go back to living in your own bubble of pretend high hopes and dreams, and then you'll think...is it any realer than this...Or maybe you can convince yourself again that this is just nothing to worry about.
Its all convenience to you.
I mean I don't know much, but from then to now, you just seem softer and weaker. Like whatever happened to that kid who enjoyed the smallest moments and had the biggest expectations from a friendly's peanut butter sunday with no marshmallow or cherries to being something that you have fun doing everyday that you love, love so much you can feel it running through your vains..and you said good bye to life's routine soap opera that they call politically correct..Or did that drive away a long time ago too? and I guess it all meant something that it did rain as soon as you left.
Well, its your life, go where you want but don't go living it down or living it fake.
You are just you...and that's everything you need.
Just remember.
Im sorry...and your welcome.