I wanted to write again, it crept into my subconscious and stuck-- That ridiculous, creative desire. Oh, how I love it and how I hate it
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ON THE WRITER'S ANGST: Thank-you. I know, to a degree, the self-hating writers are often geniuses... I don't think that I am a genius, but there are times I genuinely like what I have written, and times when I am genuinely embarrassed by it. I think the biggest thing about being back in the fandom swing is the burning desire for recognition. Perhaps that issue transcends fandom, actually. LOL. I can write for myself, for my own drive, and I do, mostly, but at the same time be secretly dying for a bit of recognition. Praise is an addictive motivator; fandom is filled with praise junkies.
ON THE MOOD: I understand what you are saying, but I am not sure mood is the right word, because my depression/anxiety is a fairly static force, sitting under my skin, regardless of my overall mood. You see, I have this ridiculous anxiety disorder, and I sometimes let it get away from me… for a number of reasons. The anxiety itself makes it hard for me to seek out solutions, for one, but the biggest culprit is the sick part of my mind that feeds on the panic attacks, the insomnia, and the fear. A part of me, I'm not really proud of it, but a part of me, likes it, for lack of a better phrase. When I wasn't having anxiety attacks, I didn't want to write. Writing has always been partially a coping mechanism for me, a type of catharsis. I had other interests. I didn't need to cope. Could I have written on the medication? Maybe... but I never did, and that part of my mind, the one who is rallying to stay anxious and depressed is holding that up as evidentiary. The rational part of my mind, though admitting it is unhealthy, is willing to allow it to go on, because it is sort of a fair trade.
ON YOUR ELOQUENCE: Thank-you for your reply, eloquence is not required. It is nice to know someone is out there in the internet land, picking up what I am putting down, so to speak. I usually err on the side of poetic and vague language in my journal posts. Often it is cadence above content, in that regard. When I am writing, the way the words come together and sound is part of the catharsis. It sometimes isn’t even necessary to post them, because they themselves already are the therapy. But I still appreciate that you reply… more of that recognition junkie stuff. LOL Thanks for your thoughts,
ON THE MOOD: I understand what you are saying, but I am not sure mood is the right word, because my depression/anxiety is a fairly static force, sitting under my skin, regardless of my overall mood. You see, I have this ridiculous anxiety disorder, and I sometimes let it get away from me… for a number of reasons. The anxiety itself makes it hard for me to seek out solutions, for one, but the biggest culprit is the sick part of my mind that feeds on the panic attacks, the insomnia, and the fear. A part of me, I'm not really proud of it, but a part of me, likes it, for lack of a better phrase. When I wasn't having anxiety attacks, I didn't want to write. Writing has always been partially a coping mechanism for me, a type of catharsis. I had other interests. I didn't need to cope. Could I have written on the medication? Maybe... but I never did, and that part of my mind, the one who is rallying to stay anxious and depressed is holding that up as evidentiary. The rational part of my mind, though admitting it is unhealthy, is willing to allow it to go on, because it is sort of a fair trade.
ON YOUR ELOQUENCE: Thank-you for your reply, eloquence is not required. It is nice to know someone is out there in the internet land, picking up what I am putting down, so to speak. I usually err on the side of poetic and vague language in my journal posts. Often it is cadence above content, in that regard. When I am writing, the way the words come together and sound is part of the catharsis. It sometimes isn’t even necessary to post them, because they themselves already are the therapy.
But I still appreciate that you reply… more of that recognition junkie stuff. LOL
Thanks for your thoughts,
Stella
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