One | P/L | Rated: PG-13
Title: One
Fandom: One Tree Hill
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Featured Characters/Pairings: Lucas/Peyton
Word Count: 533
Author's Notes: One Tree Hill is eating my brain, my heart and my soul and although I'm a good few years late and still not quite caught up, I just had to write some good old angst and considering I think I'm in love with Peyton Sawyer, it's all about her and from her POV. Honestly, if you're not a OTH fan you can probably read it with anyone in mind. This hasn't been betaed so all mistakes are mine.
One
How can one decision make such a big difference to one life? One decision that was taken on one day, in one room by one person.
But that's the irritating thing! I hadn't even taken the decision properly! There was definitely not a 'no', admittedly there wasn't a 'yes' but there was a 'some day'. When I woke up I found out that 'some day' was the wrong decision. If only I had known.
So why am I torturing myself? Why am I making myself live this life that is neither happy nor healthy? Why can't I just close our chapter, our book and move on?
Because when I look at him… when I look into his eyes I see the same thing I saw all those years ago. I see that thing that keeps part of my brain, my heart and my soul pining after him, because I know we can be perfect together. I know that even with our imperfections we would be perfect. If he didn't have that same look in his eyes that he gave me the first time we talked, the first time we kissed, every time we kissed since then, I'd let him go. I really would.
You're laughing, telling me I would keep holding on to him and I'm kidding myself thinking otherwise, but I'm not that weak. If I knew he didn't love me, knew his stomach didn't flip every time he saw me, knew that I wasn't the one he thought about every day even in absence and silence, then I would walk away with tears falling down my cheeks but with my head held high.
But until the day that I look at him and just know that things have changed, I will always have hope that he will come back to me.
If I could go back and see that terrified, insecure nineteen-year-old girl and tell her to take that step into the future that scares her so, I would. I would beg with her to just say yes and I would tell her to believe in herself. She'd probably slap me and yell at me, but I'd make her see that being scared and terrified is what life is.
But I can't go back and I can't change that one decision. I know looking back is crazy, but I can't help but let that day haunt me. If I'd just said yes, if I'd let him put the ring on my finger it would still be there today and he would be mine and no one else's. No one would have known what it felt like to have him love you, hold you like you're the most precious thing in the world and worship you ever time his eyes raked over your body.
But I didn't say 'yes', I said, 'some day', and I'm at some day and I'm still in the same place I was in as a terrified, insecure girl. But without him.
I'll move on, like I said I would, but only when I know he has, too. Until that day I'm moving nowhere, I'll stay right where I am, exactly where he can see me.
Fandom: One Tree Hill
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Featured Characters/Pairings: Lucas/Peyton
Word Count: 533
Author's Notes: One Tree Hill is eating my brain, my heart and my soul and although I'm a good few years late and still not quite caught up, I just had to write some good old angst and considering I think I'm in love with Peyton Sawyer, it's all about her and from her POV. Honestly, if you're not a OTH fan you can probably read it with anyone in mind. This hasn't been betaed so all mistakes are mine.
One
How can one decision make such a big difference to one life? One decision that was taken on one day, in one room by one person.
But that's the irritating thing! I hadn't even taken the decision properly! There was definitely not a 'no', admittedly there wasn't a 'yes' but there was a 'some day'. When I woke up I found out that 'some day' was the wrong decision. If only I had known.
So why am I torturing myself? Why am I making myself live this life that is neither happy nor healthy? Why can't I just close our chapter, our book and move on?
Because when I look at him… when I look into his eyes I see the same thing I saw all those years ago. I see that thing that keeps part of my brain, my heart and my soul pining after him, because I know we can be perfect together. I know that even with our imperfections we would be perfect. If he didn't have that same look in his eyes that he gave me the first time we talked, the first time we kissed, every time we kissed since then, I'd let him go. I really would.
You're laughing, telling me I would keep holding on to him and I'm kidding myself thinking otherwise, but I'm not that weak. If I knew he didn't love me, knew his stomach didn't flip every time he saw me, knew that I wasn't the one he thought about every day even in absence and silence, then I would walk away with tears falling down my cheeks but with my head held high.
But until the day that I look at him and just know that things have changed, I will always have hope that he will come back to me.
If I could go back and see that terrified, insecure nineteen-year-old girl and tell her to take that step into the future that scares her so, I would. I would beg with her to just say yes and I would tell her to believe in herself. She'd probably slap me and yell at me, but I'd make her see that being scared and terrified is what life is.
But I can't go back and I can't change that one decision. I know looking back is crazy, but I can't help but let that day haunt me. If I'd just said yes, if I'd let him put the ring on my finger it would still be there today and he would be mine and no one else's. No one would have known what it felt like to have him love you, hold you like you're the most precious thing in the world and worship you ever time his eyes raked over your body.
But I didn't say 'yes', I said, 'some day', and I'm at some day and I'm still in the same place I was in as a terrified, insecure girl. But without him.
I'll move on, like I said I would, but only when I know he has, too. Until that day I'm moving nowhere, I'll stay right where I am, exactly where he can see me.