reading my friends posts
I will admit being on bedrest and the problem of not having good "staying in touch and updated" skills i have really missed out on my friends posts. I have been reading all morning back posts and it reminds me how lucky i am to have friends like you. For an hour today while reading your posts i focused on wht you were saying and how much i missed reading about you guys, that for that one hour i actually relaxed and didn't worry about my issues. Which has been a long time since i have done that. Looking at pictures of some of your children and remembering when you guys were pregnant with them, just to see how big they are now is amazing.
I have basically stopped writing all together, i used to have a journal i wrote in all the time but lately for the past year it seems i just lost my love for it. Wondering what the point in it was. My words are simple, you will hardly never see a word that has more then 5 letters in it. hehe. However i can't find the words to describe what i feel lately, or what i am thinking. I guess it was the fact that i realized that everyones point of view is different and no matter how i wrote something very few if any would actually understand it for how i meant it. Who knows hopefully my love for it will come back.
Lately and i can't seem to get it off my mind---- the one question i will never know the answer to.......Why did Mathew come on the day i lost Jr? Out of all the days he could have come. He wasn't even do until march 10th. But he came on the day that i just wanted to sleep....just wanted to make it through one more year. Hard to believe it has been so long since i lost him. 1-20-2004. Still when i think of him tears flow down my face. No matter how much you try to handle a situtation better there are times more often then not that it hits you hard, as if you were just going throguh it for the first time. The weird thing was, i stayed up all that night, i had a feeling something was going to happen. I went to bed around 6am on the 20th planning to stay in bed all day to get through it like i have the other times. Never in my wildest thoughts did i think my water of all things would break. I thought maybe i would have bad contractions like i did two days before and had them stopped at the hospital. No way did i ever think however that i would have PROM. One of the questions i would love to ask God and actually hear the answer is that one, why on that day? I mean honestly, what are the chances? There has to be some kind of reason. I have come to two reasons why, but who knows if i am close to the real answer. The first is he is showing me his forgiveness, and he chose the one pregnancy where i was pregnant with a boy to be born on that day, or he is punishing me for what i have done. Making me remember it every year now by having to celebrate it and mourn it. I have only two sons it is to weird that one is born on the day the other died. I can't get it out of my head and the worst part is i know i will never have the answer at least not in this lifetime. This is a month that is so hard for me, Angel's b-day would have been on the 16th and then Jr. I also had my surgery to be sterile when i had Mathew. So all on that one day i gave up my right to have more children--granted my reasons were honest and wise--I lost a son and had a son. I can't understand why. I am repeating everything over and over in my head just like i am doing here. I would say that i am going crazy however i believe that process already took place. There comes a time in life when you just except that your not all there anymore and that there is nothing you can do about it because the things that made you slip can't be changed in anyway, they are done and you can't fix them. I do believe though that there should be answers for questions like these. Questions that eat at your heart and soul. I am not talking about the ones where you break up with someone and you wonder why, because in due time life will give you the answers, i am talking about the ones that just seem to "out" there. Ones that you know will never be answered, the only ones you truelly want answered. Please note that even though i stop writing in my head this convo will continue.
I have basically stopped writing all together, i used to have a journal i wrote in all the time but lately for the past year it seems i just lost my love for it. Wondering what the point in it was. My words are simple, you will hardly never see a word that has more then 5 letters in it. hehe. However i can't find the words to describe what i feel lately, or what i am thinking. I guess it was the fact that i realized that everyones point of view is different and no matter how i wrote something very few if any would actually understand it for how i meant it. Who knows hopefully my love for it will come back.
Lately and i can't seem to get it off my mind---- the one question i will never know the answer to.......Why did Mathew come on the day i lost Jr? Out of all the days he could have come. He wasn't even do until march 10th. But he came on the day that i just wanted to sleep....just wanted to make it through one more year. Hard to believe it has been so long since i lost him. 1-20-2004. Still when i think of him tears flow down my face. No matter how much you try to handle a situtation better there are times more often then not that it hits you hard, as if you were just going throguh it for the first time. The weird thing was, i stayed up all that night, i had a feeling something was going to happen. I went to bed around 6am on the 20th planning to stay in bed all day to get through it like i have the other times. Never in my wildest thoughts did i think my water of all things would break. I thought maybe i would have bad contractions like i did two days before and had them stopped at the hospital. No way did i ever think however that i would have PROM. One of the questions i would love to ask God and actually hear the answer is that one, why on that day? I mean honestly, what are the chances? There has to be some kind of reason. I have come to two reasons why, but who knows if i am close to the real answer. The first is he is showing me his forgiveness, and he chose the one pregnancy where i was pregnant with a boy to be born on that day, or he is punishing me for what i have done. Making me remember it every year now by having to celebrate it and mourn it. I have only two sons it is to weird that one is born on the day the other died. I can't get it out of my head and the worst part is i know i will never have the answer at least not in this lifetime. This is a month that is so hard for me, Angel's b-day would have been on the 16th and then Jr. I also had my surgery to be sterile when i had Mathew. So all on that one day i gave up my right to have more children--granted my reasons were honest and wise--I lost a son and had a son. I can't understand why. I am repeating everything over and over in my head just like i am doing here. I would say that i am going crazy however i believe that process already took place. There comes a time in life when you just except that your not all there anymore and that there is nothing you can do about it because the things that made you slip can't be changed in anyway, they are done and you can't fix them. I do believe though that there should be answers for questions like these. Questions that eat at your heart and soul. I am not talking about the ones where you break up with someone and you wonder why, because in due time life will give you the answers, i am talking about the ones that just seem to "out" there. Ones that you know will never be answered, the only ones you truelly want answered. Please note that even though i stop writing in my head this convo will continue.