Discussions/Letter to Mother
So I had a very intense conversation/argument with my mom just now. She went to bed almost in tears wishing to die. It's not directly because of anything I said, not directly, but it prolly is from something I said because she can't handle what I have to say. I'm not her and I think that something in her wants me to be her. But I can't be like her, I refuse, nor will I be weak and break down right now. I know that some kind of intervention is needed. I don't know what any of us could say to change her mind or impress upon her that we care, and that despite how much that she has hurt us in the past we care. I can only try to write a letter to her to get her to understand, or at least have some kind of reference for future use.
Dear Mom,
This isn't supposed to be taken as an attack. It's not being written in a manner behest to hurt you, but I won't lie-it probably will inflict some pain. The only pain meant to be inflicted is that which could possibly get you to see how we feel. Your drinking problem, and I should not hesitate to say, Alcoholism, is hurting this family. Has been hurting this family for a very long time. I can only hope that there will be some day that you will see that, if through us or through yourself. You are another person when you drink, and because you drink so much so often, I don't even know who you are anymore. You don't listen when I talk to you; I get the feeling that you do not care enough to give me that much of your time. That time that you could take to really listen (!) instead of just waiting for your turn to talk! I know that I have inherited your stubbornness and some of your other less than savory habits and behavioral mannerisms, and believe me when I say that I am ashamed that I have picked up on some of them, because they can be so poisonous to relationships and the people that I care about in those relationships.
Intervention is a tricky thing, especialy when the person you are trying to save seemingly has no interest in saving herself: She has taken no initiative in tryin gto change those things that make her unhappy. She has not taken an active role in her own happiness; instead, she expects others to serve her happiness to her on a silver platter. Well Happiness is something that you need to work for. Life is what you make of it, Strife is what you don't- translation "put some damned hard work and energy into your happiness or you wont know happiness"- translation "pull yourself out of your own pit of sorrow and do something for yourself for a change" translation " make yourself happy and happy people will come to you." There are so many things that you could be a larger part of in life, but that would take your "energy" your "time" and leave you "tired" well guess what? Life is supposed to be fulfilling, and fulfillment makes you tired because you know what? That means that you have actually actively done something with your life.
Getting married right out of school is nothing to snear at. I admire your fortitude, but I frown upon your pity party outlook on life. I am happy for the choices you have made, but making your kids feel like they are a burden to you-like you needed to have made a different choice-that is not good. I know you don't intentionally try to hurt us in that respect, but when you talk first and not even think about what you said later, it leaves a mark. Who ever said words can never hurt you? We are all constantly trying to live up to our family's percetions and make them proud/happy. So when those scars creep up on you, telling you that you'll lnever be good enough, in such a way that implies "I wish I had a different life, one that you might not have been a part of" that in and of itself can be disheartening.
To tell you the truth, I don't want the pity party, the gotta keep up with the Jones' attitude at my graduation. I have come so close so many times to cutting you out of my life because I feel that it would save me so much future pain. But I want to give you the benefit of the doubt that you will come around one of these days and see the pain you have caused us.
Hopefully it will motivate you to change your ways, perceptions, actions etc. Maybe it will change your outlook and direction in life, maybe it won't, but I can't keep on arguing with you anymore. I can't keep on wasting my time (and yes I do see it as a waste of my time) to repeat myself.
I try to love you, and I do love you as a daughter loves her mother, but I can not just stand here anymore and witness what you do to yourself and experience what you do to me. I love you, but if the only way that change can be incited is through an ultimatium, then I am forced (as i now see it because if you didn't need this letter at all, you wouldn't need the ultimatium) to issue one: Shape up your attitudes, behaviors, treatments of and towards other; cut out the alcohol; try again to quit smoking (something), or I will cut you out of my life until there comes the time that you satisfy some or all of the aforementioned requirements. I love you, but I will be a victim of your abuses and self destructive nature no longer.
Are you proud of me now for taking a stand? Will I ever get my mother back?
I am here to help you if you indeed want and/or need it. I will not abandon you, unless you refuse to participate in some aspect of your own life. Its funny because I miss the type of family that I never had, because it's hard for me to remember any time where I did not feel that alcohol and cigarettes were a bigger part of your attention and life than I was.
But I still love you as a daughter loves her mother, because how else am I supposed to love you? Forgive the abruptness, and seemingly aggressive nature of this letter, I just have run out of avenues to explore when talking to you.
Lovingly yours,
~~Your Daughter~~
Now that was therapeutic for me-I just wish that it could be for her as well.
Dear Mom,
This isn't supposed to be taken as an attack. It's not being written in a manner behest to hurt you, but I won't lie-it probably will inflict some pain. The only pain meant to be inflicted is that which could possibly get you to see how we feel. Your drinking problem, and I should not hesitate to say, Alcoholism, is hurting this family. Has been hurting this family for a very long time. I can only hope that there will be some day that you will see that, if through us or through yourself. You are another person when you drink, and because you drink so much so often, I don't even know who you are anymore. You don't listen when I talk to you; I get the feeling that you do not care enough to give me that much of your time. That time that you could take to really listen (!) instead of just waiting for your turn to talk! I know that I have inherited your stubbornness and some of your other less than savory habits and behavioral mannerisms, and believe me when I say that I am ashamed that I have picked up on some of them, because they can be so poisonous to relationships and the people that I care about in those relationships.
Intervention is a tricky thing, especialy when the person you are trying to save seemingly has no interest in saving herself: She has taken no initiative in tryin gto change those things that make her unhappy. She has not taken an active role in her own happiness; instead, she expects others to serve her happiness to her on a silver platter. Well Happiness is something that you need to work for. Life is what you make of it, Strife is what you don't- translation "put some damned hard work and energy into your happiness or you wont know happiness"- translation "pull yourself out of your own pit of sorrow and do something for yourself for a change" translation " make yourself happy and happy people will come to you." There are so many things that you could be a larger part of in life, but that would take your "energy" your "time" and leave you "tired" well guess what? Life is supposed to be fulfilling, and fulfillment makes you tired because you know what? That means that you have actually actively done something with your life.
Getting married right out of school is nothing to snear at. I admire your fortitude, but I frown upon your pity party outlook on life. I am happy for the choices you have made, but making your kids feel like they are a burden to you-like you needed to have made a different choice-that is not good. I know you don't intentionally try to hurt us in that respect, but when you talk first and not even think about what you said later, it leaves a mark. Who ever said words can never hurt you? We are all constantly trying to live up to our family's percetions and make them proud/happy. So when those scars creep up on you, telling you that you'll lnever be good enough, in such a way that implies "I wish I had a different life, one that you might not have been a part of" that in and of itself can be disheartening.
To tell you the truth, I don't want the pity party, the gotta keep up with the Jones' attitude at my graduation. I have come so close so many times to cutting you out of my life because I feel that it would save me so much future pain. But I want to give you the benefit of the doubt that you will come around one of these days and see the pain you have caused us.
Hopefully it will motivate you to change your ways, perceptions, actions etc. Maybe it will change your outlook and direction in life, maybe it won't, but I can't keep on arguing with you anymore. I can't keep on wasting my time (and yes I do see it as a waste of my time) to repeat myself.
I try to love you, and I do love you as a daughter loves her mother, but I can not just stand here anymore and witness what you do to yourself and experience what you do to me. I love you, but if the only way that change can be incited is through an ultimatium, then I am forced (as i now see it because if you didn't need this letter at all, you wouldn't need the ultimatium) to issue one: Shape up your attitudes, behaviors, treatments of and towards other; cut out the alcohol; try again to quit smoking (something), or I will cut you out of my life until there comes the time that you satisfy some or all of the aforementioned requirements. I love you, but I will be a victim of your abuses and self destructive nature no longer.
Are you proud of me now for taking a stand? Will I ever get my mother back?
I am here to help you if you indeed want and/or need it. I will not abandon you, unless you refuse to participate in some aspect of your own life. Its funny because I miss the type of family that I never had, because it's hard for me to remember any time where I did not feel that alcohol and cigarettes were a bigger part of your attention and life than I was.
But I still love you as a daughter loves her mother, because how else am I supposed to love you? Forgive the abruptness, and seemingly aggressive nature of this letter, I just have run out of avenues to explore when talking to you.
Lovingly yours,
~~Your Daughter~~
Now that was therapeutic for me-I just wish that it could be for her as well.