Deceptive Thoughts
I woke up this morning in a good mood. I don’t know where that mood went. Soon after waking I decided that I would take a shower and I did. The shower felt really good and I was still in a good mood. I only think that my mood changed when Mom brought the mail in. In it there was another book for my classes. And Gift cards from Grandma, after the first ones were lost in the mail. Now Aunt Debbie sent some new ones and again my Gift Card was either lost or stolen again. So with Mom ranting and raving I was starting to get into a bad mood and I tried to ignore it. Then I realized that two of the books that I thought that I had from Half.com I don’t They are both for one class and I don’t know if I’ll ever see them. I was stupid the night that I responded to the email in my mail box about the speed and which of getting the books shipped. I was tired and only now do I realize that I don’t have two of the books that I already said that I received. And that’s going to cost me like a hundred dollars or so to get that once classes start. I’m pissed about that because of not noticing. I am wishing that they might still come because some of my other orders were slow to get here and maybe that’s what happened with those two, but I’m not trusting to hope. Oh well serves me right. Also I didn’t get anything done today because I just didn’t feel like it. Originally last night I was thinking that I could go ahead and get the USB cable for my printer, but I didn’t. I told Trishie last night that I would stop by and drop off Rocky Horror Picture Show, and I didn’t. I was also going to wait for dad to get home so that I could drop off their plates, but I didn’t. And it just sucks that I haven’t been able to do any of my pants because Mom’s been busy doing laundry. I forgot to pick up a temporary discount card so I could buy some of the things that I need from Target before I go down to school… but I have not been doing any of these things. I just feel really shitty today, once my good mood went it seemed to take everything else with it. I also think that it doesn’t help because my mind has been working against me today as well. I started to have thoughts come into my head that I just don’t want there. I keep on reliving the argument that James and I had the night and morning before we both left to go home for the holidays. I feel bad that we left each other like that after a fight. I hate that and I think that that might be a reason why I have been having troubled thoughts about our relationship.
Today it was like I was imagining that I was already down by him and I was overjoyed. However, he was acting funny, like he was keeping something from me. After we all opened gifts and had a wonderful meal that his mom cooked I wanted to talk to him alone and so we went up to his room to talk. We didn’t even get that far into any kind of a conversation when his phone rang and it was Ryne asking to talk to me. He then invited rather insistently that James and I come to Nick’s house for a party because everyone was there and he knew that we would all be having fun with the holidays. So as I asked James whether or not if he was keeping something from me, he was avoiding me some more. Then it was time to get going over to the party and so we set out. He drove and we got there with listening to music and not really talking to each other at all. Once we were at Nick’s, he did everything that he could to avoid me. So I started to talk to everyone there and try not to let it show that something was bothering me. Yet Molly and Julie and Whitni were all able to see that something was wrong. Finally they were able to get it out of me that I thought that he was keeping something from me because he was being so out of touch and was avoiding me. When I left to go to the bathroom, there was a conversation had out in the room with everyone and when I got back to the room, everyone was staring at me like they just had a joke told at my expense. I said as much and then the way that Molly and Whitni were looking at me told me that they knew something and that they really didn’t want to have to tell me but that if some else wouldn’t that they would. At that point I think that I didn’t want to hear about it because I just wanted to have a good time. Yet there was a fight that was starting and finally James came over to me and took me into another room to talk to me, to try to tell me what he was keeping from me earlier. And with the way that everyone else was acting and the way that he was acting, when he pulled me away (after I was standing there looking revolted at everyone because no one would open their mouths to say what was up) he told me that he needed to talk to me “for the sake of our relationship” and that made me worried and I said that we could talk about it later and we were at a party and should be enjoying ourselves in others company and he said that we would have to talk about it now. He didn’t really take me to another room but he took me instead up the flight of stairs and talked to me in hushed tones. He looked sick and the look in his eyes was crushing. As he tried to tell me what was up I was getting more and more upset. I could tell that what he was going to tell me was not going to be good. I read his face and could tell that some thing else happened. And it happened to come out that when he was drunk he went further this time than he had the last. I was crushed to find out that he had slept with someone. I told him that I could no longer wear the present that he gave me, which was a necklace, and I moved to take it off as he was begging me to give him another chance. I told him that after the last time, I felt better because even though he didn’t go as far as he did this time, and even though I flipped out as much as I did over it I was happy in my own way that it hadn’t gone as far as he had this time. And I told him that I was sorry but I couldn’t deal with it. I wouldn’t have this turn into how most of my other relationships did, wondering if I could even trust my lover around another female because he had hurt me so many times. I then asked him to drive me back to my car so that I could get on my way down to Evansville tonight and if he wouldn’t than I would walk back to his house and get into my car and drive away myself. When he asked why I would rather walk than ask someone else for a ride I told him that I didn’t want to ruin the party with all this and I started to walk up the stairs.
My thoughts ended there. I started to beat myself up for even have thoughts like that, doubting his love of me and all that. It also made me realize that we needed to talk about the argument that we had in Chicago (just because I need to apologize) and that I need to stop this thinking that the moment that I have something as good as I do that the guy that I’m with is going to find some girl better and just drop me flat. It was making me think about how clingy that I am and that maybe that was the reason why guys have dropped me in the past, or were turned off by me because I do need so much attention. It just sprang a whole bunch of thoughts.
And above it all it led to thoughts about Mikey and Brian, Richie and Jason, Atom and Andy. I just started to think about things that went wrong. I’m surprised thinking now that I didn’t think of Ben, nor did I think of Eve or Diz. And it’s not like Diz and I have the best history. Her and I had some great times when we were dating but she is one of the reasons why Mikey and I didn’t work out. Funny how all of those things are interrelated. I felt bad about how things have been between me and Brian, but I know that I don’t want to get sucked back into his life. As much as he keeps on begging me with his eyes to change my mind about being a part of his life again. I don’t think that I have the strength to be friends with a guy who at one point made a bet with his friends that he could get into my pants within six months, all for a dimer of weed. It also doesn’t help his case that really soon after things feel apart between us that he went and had a kid with one of the neighborhood girls that he always told me he hated. I thought about Richie and I should have listened to Mikey, and didn’t, but also how I still worry about Richie and want to talk to him. I know that there is no way that he was ever mature enough for me when we were messing around, but I know now that it was nice to have someone like Richie in my life at a time when things were as fucked up for me and Mikey as they were. Even if I hade some bad decisions with fooling around with one of my best friends. I think about how I screwed up with Atom and I would like to be able to hang out with him again but I worry that he might try something if I was with him, and I don’t want to put myself into that situation, especially if I’m in a relationship with a Man that I love as much as I know that I do. I think about my friendship with Kevin and how much that that could be hurt if he ever found out that I fooled around with his brother at one point in my life, even if it was a few years ago that that happened. I felt funny thinking about where Andy is now and how things have gone for him. I wonder if he and Ralfie are still friends and if he went on to college, if he still skates and all that. I wonder how much that I have hurt him in the past and how that could have affected his life. And it just hurts me to think about all of these things, and wonder what difference has my life made to other people?
And I think about my current relationship and I worry that I am having a problem with things because I’m afraid of where things could go. That I have a fear of this commitment that I have right now. I always profess to like to be in a long term relationship, which I do, but I’m also worried that I could do something similar to what I was thinking and how would he take it? What would I do with myself if I hurt him… or if he hurt me? Would I be strong enough to let him go? Would I be strong enough to let him let me go if I hurt him? And I think that these thoughts are why I’m in such a shitty mood and can’t sleep, which I need to do because I work third shift tonight and I have been up now since right before noon. It’s 16:05 right now. I know that it’s sad that I’ve only been up a short time, but if I want to last I need a nap. And I will trust to hope this time, that maybe with getting all this stuff (or part of it at least) off my chest that I could get some sleep now.
Today it was like I was imagining that I was already down by him and I was overjoyed. However, he was acting funny, like he was keeping something from me. After we all opened gifts and had a wonderful meal that his mom cooked I wanted to talk to him alone and so we went up to his room to talk. We didn’t even get that far into any kind of a conversation when his phone rang and it was Ryne asking to talk to me. He then invited rather insistently that James and I come to Nick’s house for a party because everyone was there and he knew that we would all be having fun with the holidays. So as I asked James whether or not if he was keeping something from me, he was avoiding me some more. Then it was time to get going over to the party and so we set out. He drove and we got there with listening to music and not really talking to each other at all. Once we were at Nick’s, he did everything that he could to avoid me. So I started to talk to everyone there and try not to let it show that something was bothering me. Yet Molly and Julie and Whitni were all able to see that something was wrong. Finally they were able to get it out of me that I thought that he was keeping something from me because he was being so out of touch and was avoiding me. When I left to go to the bathroom, there was a conversation had out in the room with everyone and when I got back to the room, everyone was staring at me like they just had a joke told at my expense. I said as much and then the way that Molly and Whitni were looking at me told me that they knew something and that they really didn’t want to have to tell me but that if some else wouldn’t that they would. At that point I think that I didn’t want to hear about it because I just wanted to have a good time. Yet there was a fight that was starting and finally James came over to me and took me into another room to talk to me, to try to tell me what he was keeping from me earlier. And with the way that everyone else was acting and the way that he was acting, when he pulled me away (after I was standing there looking revolted at everyone because no one would open their mouths to say what was up) he told me that he needed to talk to me “for the sake of our relationship” and that made me worried and I said that we could talk about it later and we were at a party and should be enjoying ourselves in others company and he said that we would have to talk about it now. He didn’t really take me to another room but he took me instead up the flight of stairs and talked to me in hushed tones. He looked sick and the look in his eyes was crushing. As he tried to tell me what was up I was getting more and more upset. I could tell that what he was going to tell me was not going to be good. I read his face and could tell that some thing else happened. And it happened to come out that when he was drunk he went further this time than he had the last. I was crushed to find out that he had slept with someone. I told him that I could no longer wear the present that he gave me, which was a necklace, and I moved to take it off as he was begging me to give him another chance. I told him that after the last time, I felt better because even though he didn’t go as far as he did this time, and even though I flipped out as much as I did over it I was happy in my own way that it hadn’t gone as far as he had this time. And I told him that I was sorry but I couldn’t deal with it. I wouldn’t have this turn into how most of my other relationships did, wondering if I could even trust my lover around another female because he had hurt me so many times. I then asked him to drive me back to my car so that I could get on my way down to Evansville tonight and if he wouldn’t than I would walk back to his house and get into my car and drive away myself. When he asked why I would rather walk than ask someone else for a ride I told him that I didn’t want to ruin the party with all this and I started to walk up the stairs.
My thoughts ended there. I started to beat myself up for even have thoughts like that, doubting his love of me and all that. It also made me realize that we needed to talk about the argument that we had in Chicago (just because I need to apologize) and that I need to stop this thinking that the moment that I have something as good as I do that the guy that I’m with is going to find some girl better and just drop me flat. It was making me think about how clingy that I am and that maybe that was the reason why guys have dropped me in the past, or were turned off by me because I do need so much attention. It just sprang a whole bunch of thoughts.
And above it all it led to thoughts about Mikey and Brian, Richie and Jason, Atom and Andy. I just started to think about things that went wrong. I’m surprised thinking now that I didn’t think of Ben, nor did I think of Eve or Diz. And it’s not like Diz and I have the best history. Her and I had some great times when we were dating but she is one of the reasons why Mikey and I didn’t work out. Funny how all of those things are interrelated. I felt bad about how things have been between me and Brian, but I know that I don’t want to get sucked back into his life. As much as he keeps on begging me with his eyes to change my mind about being a part of his life again. I don’t think that I have the strength to be friends with a guy who at one point made a bet with his friends that he could get into my pants within six months, all for a dimer of weed. It also doesn’t help his case that really soon after things feel apart between us that he went and had a kid with one of the neighborhood girls that he always told me he hated. I thought about Richie and I should have listened to Mikey, and didn’t, but also how I still worry about Richie and want to talk to him. I know that there is no way that he was ever mature enough for me when we were messing around, but I know now that it was nice to have someone like Richie in my life at a time when things were as fucked up for me and Mikey as they were. Even if I hade some bad decisions with fooling around with one of my best friends. I think about how I screwed up with Atom and I would like to be able to hang out with him again but I worry that he might try something if I was with him, and I don’t want to put myself into that situation, especially if I’m in a relationship with a Man that I love as much as I know that I do. I think about my friendship with Kevin and how much that that could be hurt if he ever found out that I fooled around with his brother at one point in my life, even if it was a few years ago that that happened. I felt funny thinking about where Andy is now and how things have gone for him. I wonder if he and Ralfie are still friends and if he went on to college, if he still skates and all that. I wonder how much that I have hurt him in the past and how that could have affected his life. And it just hurts me to think about all of these things, and wonder what difference has my life made to other people?
And I think about my current relationship and I worry that I am having a problem with things because I’m afraid of where things could go. That I have a fear of this commitment that I have right now. I always profess to like to be in a long term relationship, which I do, but I’m also worried that I could do something similar to what I was thinking and how would he take it? What would I do with myself if I hurt him… or if he hurt me? Would I be strong enough to let him go? Would I be strong enough to let him let me go if I hurt him? And I think that these thoughts are why I’m in such a shitty mood and can’t sleep, which I need to do because I work third shift tonight and I have been up now since right before noon. It’s 16:05 right now. I know that it’s sad that I’ve only been up a short time, but if I want to last I need a nap. And I will trust to hope this time, that maybe with getting all this stuff (or part of it at least) off my chest that I could get some sleep now.