Therapy for Myself
I am thinking that I am going to stop going to therapy for now. I know that I probably shouldn’t, but I am in the frame of mind that I don’t want to go. And if I don’t want to then it’s a bad idea to because I won’t share anything and get any help like that which I need. I feel pathetic writing and admitting that I need help like that. But I guess that like they say, admitting to a problem is the first step to getting rid of it.
So because I missed last week, due to having a boot load of homework to do before meeting with the group (Tuesday nights are always so busy… why is that?) and now I think that it’s good that I did miss because I don’t want to go anymore---that does not translate into me not doing anything therapeutic anymore. I will keep on myself and in order to make sure that I am purging myself of these things that are bothering me I will try to take an hour each Tuesday (because I’m such a glutton for putting everything in one day---I’m used to the routine of it…) to just sit down and type out what I am feeling at the time and then post it. Then I can go like normal to James and have him cheep me up out of the state that I know that I will be in because I know that I need to start to talk about the things that I have never really talked about before and because of that I need to get going on that to get better basically. If I do not confront these issues then I feel that I will be again going through a retrograde in my life and I feel that I might turn and run from things that I would rather have in my life…
So that being the case this is just an early explanation, mostly for myself because I don’t think that a lot of people read this anyways, to get the feelings out in the open. I can deal with them easier if I have them posted and able to be re-read. It helps to be able to pour out things to a machine that doesn’t care and that doesn’t judge, because I don’t want to be judged for the things that I have done and the things that have happened to me. In that case I think that it is rather mature of myself to sit here and say what’s wrong. Just because I’m not telling someone doesn’t mean that others don’t know about it. So that’s cool. Now I’m just dancing around things.
I want to stop therapy because I don’t feel comfortable with it anymore. I don’t like going into that room and telling my heart and soul to a stranger, admittedly a helpful and trained stranger but a stranger none the less. And because I need to cover topics that I have never really talked about, much less even really admitted to myself at times, I feel that at least by trying to take care of it myself first is a first step to getting better. I say a first step because I have never even attempted to get over these things that I need to talk about that I avoid. I don’t share them, and I haven’t shared them. However, I want to try it myself first, and if that doesn’t work totally, at least it’s a start because I have been able to release it for the first time---in any way.
If in the case that I am not able to help myself and I do not feel that I can share it with people to have them help me then I think that I will reconsider going to therapy again. Until that times comes, I will not be going. I know that it seems like I am giving up right now. And I feel that guilt, but because I feel that guilt, I know that therapy has turned into something that I feel obligated to do---not something that I want to do like it was when I started. Because of that feeling I will not go back to it until I feel that I want to again. I will not do something like that if I am being pressured to do it. And the pressure is not really coming from the outside… it’s coming from me and due to that deep feeling, it’s just not happening. Maybe by the time that I go back to UE I will feel differently, but until then, I will not set foot in another therapy session until I am doing it for me again. I have been going not for myself the past time or two, but because I felt that I needed to and that I would be letting others down as well as myself if I didn’t go. And here and now I can not deal with that right now. I need to be able to just take care of it myself (or try to at least) and then go from there. So if there is anyone out there that feels that they are willing to help in some way-don’t. Let me try by myself, and then if I come later and ask for the help then give it to me, because at that time I know that I will really, desperately need the help.
Thanks.
…Talk about a preclude to a deep therapeutic post later…
So because I missed last week, due to having a boot load of homework to do before meeting with the group (Tuesday nights are always so busy… why is that?) and now I think that it’s good that I did miss because I don’t want to go anymore---that does not translate into me not doing anything therapeutic anymore. I will keep on myself and in order to make sure that I am purging myself of these things that are bothering me I will try to take an hour each Tuesday (because I’m such a glutton for putting everything in one day---I’m used to the routine of it…) to just sit down and type out what I am feeling at the time and then post it. Then I can go like normal to James and have him cheep me up out of the state that I know that I will be in because I know that I need to start to talk about the things that I have never really talked about before and because of that I need to get going on that to get better basically. If I do not confront these issues then I feel that I will be again going through a retrograde in my life and I feel that I might turn and run from things that I would rather have in my life…
So that being the case this is just an early explanation, mostly for myself because I don’t think that a lot of people read this anyways, to get the feelings out in the open. I can deal with them easier if I have them posted and able to be re-read. It helps to be able to pour out things to a machine that doesn’t care and that doesn’t judge, because I don’t want to be judged for the things that I have done and the things that have happened to me. In that case I think that it is rather mature of myself to sit here and say what’s wrong. Just because I’m not telling someone doesn’t mean that others don’t know about it. So that’s cool. Now I’m just dancing around things.
I want to stop therapy because I don’t feel comfortable with it anymore. I don’t like going into that room and telling my heart and soul to a stranger, admittedly a helpful and trained stranger but a stranger none the less. And because I need to cover topics that I have never really talked about, much less even really admitted to myself at times, I feel that at least by trying to take care of it myself first is a first step to getting better. I say a first step because I have never even attempted to get over these things that I need to talk about that I avoid. I don’t share them, and I haven’t shared them. However, I want to try it myself first, and if that doesn’t work totally, at least it’s a start because I have been able to release it for the first time---in any way.
If in the case that I am not able to help myself and I do not feel that I can share it with people to have them help me then I think that I will reconsider going to therapy again. Until that times comes, I will not be going. I know that it seems like I am giving up right now. And I feel that guilt, but because I feel that guilt, I know that therapy has turned into something that I feel obligated to do---not something that I want to do like it was when I started. Because of that feeling I will not go back to it until I feel that I want to again. I will not do something like that if I am being pressured to do it. And the pressure is not really coming from the outside… it’s coming from me and due to that deep feeling, it’s just not happening. Maybe by the time that I go back to UE I will feel differently, but until then, I will not set foot in another therapy session until I am doing it for me again. I have been going not for myself the past time or two, but because I felt that I needed to and that I would be letting others down as well as myself if I didn’t go. And here and now I can not deal with that right now. I need to be able to just take care of it myself (or try to at least) and then go from there. So if there is anyone out there that feels that they are willing to help in some way-don’t. Let me try by myself, and then if I come later and ask for the help then give it to me, because at that time I know that I will really, desperately need the help.
Thanks.
…Talk about a preclude to a deep therapeutic post later…