(no subject)
I have a feeling that I heading into a time that is going to be perhaps emotionally turbulent. When I broke up with Matt there were the inital fears, concerns and feelings of guilt but things quickly settled into a comfortable pattern which I like and I kind of stopped thinking about things. Since January all I've thought about is losing weight, exercising and counting calories.
Perhaps the fug of complacency is clearing or something but over the last week or so I've started having moments of fear and sheer terror at being alone for the rest of my life. Fear that I will never have a family. Its come out of nowhere. These moments are brief and I've only had 2 actual teary moments - bought on by a random memory of the email Matt wrote me the day after I broke it off.... but I'm a little concerned where my mind is going and just how much potential this has to escalate to something more sinister.
Perhaps its because I may actually be running myself into the ground and if I'm not physically exhausted then I am mentally exhausted and maybe that's leading to my mind dropping the barriers it has put up (unbeknownst to me). Unfortunately I cant really do anything about how my time is allocated at the moment...its all to the greater good.
At the moment a typical week for me is
Monday - work 8.30-5pm, go to the gym and do body attache 5.30-6.30pm and maybe body pump from 6.30-7.30pm go home eat dinner, go online and update food diary, read forums and watch TV. Go to Bed
Tuesday - Get up aroung 6-6.15am go for a run/walk for 30-45mins, ride to work, work 8.30-5pm, ride to german class (class is 6.15-9.30pm), ride home and updated food diary and read forums. Go to bed.
Wednesday - work 8.30-5pm, Basket ball - usually 30mins of cour time (starts at different times but I now ride my bike to and from MSAC which is maybe a 6-7km round trip). At some stage I will log my food diary and then go to bed - all depends on match time
Thursday - work 8.30-5pm, go to gym and do at a minimum of 45mins of cario... possible some weight. This is a fairly easy day bce I'm home by 7 and have the rest of the night to do whatever.
Friday - work 8.30-5pm... Friday is my designated day off structured exercise bce there is always the chance there will be afterwork drinks.
Saturday - I usually work at least 6 hours of overtime and either run/walk in the morning for 35-45mins OR go to the gym and do a minimum of 45mins cardio.
Sunday - Sleep in (yay!), go to the gym - either body pump and/or body jam or just my own cardio. again this is an easy day but I try to get out of the house even if its just for the supermarket so that I am not tempted to eat a lot.
And then it begins all over again. I'm sure many ppl have heftier loads than mine and when its written down like that it doesnt really seem like much but I do wonder sometimes how long I can keep going!
Sorry that was so long... I just felt like I had to vent (not that it was exactly a rant) but I've been thinking about it for a few days.
Perhaps the fug of complacency is clearing or something but over the last week or so I've started having moments of fear and sheer terror at being alone for the rest of my life. Fear that I will never have a family. Its come out of nowhere. These moments are brief and I've only had 2 actual teary moments - bought on by a random memory of the email Matt wrote me the day after I broke it off.... but I'm a little concerned where my mind is going and just how much potential this has to escalate to something more sinister.
Perhaps its because I may actually be running myself into the ground and if I'm not physically exhausted then I am mentally exhausted and maybe that's leading to my mind dropping the barriers it has put up (unbeknownst to me). Unfortunately I cant really do anything about how my time is allocated at the moment...its all to the greater good.
At the moment a typical week for me is
Monday - work 8.30-5pm, go to the gym and do body attache 5.30-6.30pm and maybe body pump from 6.30-7.30pm go home eat dinner, go online and update food diary, read forums and watch TV. Go to Bed
Tuesday - Get up aroung 6-6.15am go for a run/walk for 30-45mins, ride to work, work 8.30-5pm, ride to german class (class is 6.15-9.30pm), ride home and updated food diary and read forums. Go to bed.
Wednesday - work 8.30-5pm, Basket ball - usually 30mins of cour time (starts at different times but I now ride my bike to and from MSAC which is maybe a 6-7km round trip). At some stage I will log my food diary and then go to bed - all depends on match time
Thursday - work 8.30-5pm, go to gym and do at a minimum of 45mins of cario... possible some weight. This is a fairly easy day bce I'm home by 7 and have the rest of the night to do whatever.
Friday - work 8.30-5pm... Friday is my designated day off structured exercise bce there is always the chance there will be afterwork drinks.
Saturday - I usually work at least 6 hours of overtime and either run/walk in the morning for 35-45mins OR go to the gym and do a minimum of 45mins cardio.
Sunday - Sleep in (yay!), go to the gym - either body pump and/or body jam or just my own cardio. again this is an easy day but I try to get out of the house even if its just for the supermarket so that I am not tempted to eat a lot.
And then it begins all over again. I'm sure many ppl have heftier loads than mine and when its written down like that it doesnt really seem like much but I do wonder sometimes how long I can keep going!
Sorry that was so long... I just felt like I had to vent (not that it was exactly a rant) but I've been thinking about it for a few days.